- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
If they find them hurtful then it's probably best that you don't share them. They're going to naturally find it hurtful if those thoughts you share make them feel judged or unsafe, and get frustrated if you continue to share them when they have told you that they find it hurtful and upsetting. In fact for me it would be a deal-breaker if my partner continued to say things which made me feel bad when I've asked them to stop, and that includes if it was OCD- and I have all the understanding of the condition which you could hope for your partner to have. Understanding that it's a mental illness isn't going to make those things much less hurtful or annoying. Your partner isn't your therapist, and acting on your confession and reassurance-seeking urges by telling them about your thoughts is not only going to reinforce and worsen your OCD, but drive them away. OCD is about dysfunctional patterns of cognition, emotional processing and behaviour, not about the content of your thoughts or obsessions. If you must share with her and want to feel supported, try sharing your struggles with patterns of thinking, stuck emotions and behaviour without detailing the content to her against her will.
- Date posted
- 5y
Would you say it would be good to let them know I'm having intrusive thoughts rather than say what they are?
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- 5y
Exactly
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- 5y
Alright, thank you very much. I'm quite new to dealing with my ocd and I didn't realise this.
- Date posted
- 5y
That's alright. I have been in a relationship and had severe OCD at the time but I didn't know it, and I didn't get the same urges to get reassurance etc other than always asking my partner if he was ok and what he was doing when I wasn't with him, and I'm sure that was annoying enough. It's important to make the distinction that it's all OCD and that the content of the fear or worry doesn't matter and can't be alleviated by other people, despite it feeling so important.
- Date posted
- 5y
Okay. Thank you that really helped. Not to say you've been mean, but reading that made some tears prick so that's definitely the triggers.
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- 5y
You can do it!
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- 5y
@Louw Just wanted to say my partner is actually a boy, didnt want me correcting you to get in the way of your advice:)
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- 5y
@smolbean Oh yes sorry I was trying to keep gender neutral as you didn't specify but I must have slipped into heteronormativity based on your profile pic, gah
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- 5y
@Louw I mean I'm a gender neutral female, I just liked the dog hehe oop
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- 5y
@smolbean I just realised the dog does look masculine wow
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- 5y
@smolbean Hah I didn't even realise it was a dog I thought that one was a bearded man with a funny hat ?
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- 5y
@Louw Oh that's brilliant hehe. I think it's a shibe
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- 5y
@smolbean I'm agender myself, maybe I should start using the dog ?
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- 5y
Saying "I am having a bad day with rumination/guilt/fear/checking" is going to be much better received AND much less hurtful and damaging in all ways than saying "I keep getting thoughts that you're ugly and annoying and I don't want to be with you and I want to be back with my ex" or something. She CAN support your emotions and struggles with kindness and compassion, but it is not possible or even healthy for anybody to support you with the content of your obsessions. Even a therapist won't do that.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much, it never clicked in my head that the content doesn't matter. I realised my anxiety was partly ocd in October when it was really bad, but it flared up this week. Do you have any other advice for starting out dealing with ocd? I'm trying the erp on this app but I find it hard to focus on thoughts when they're not there for the exercise and I'm not always in a position to use the sos.
- Date posted
- 5y
Well, the app ERP just asks you to imagine that the idea is true and sit with all the feelings that the idea causes for 5 minutes or as long as possible, without trying to figure it out even once more thoughts come which are disagreeing with the intrusive thought or offering other evidence. And it offers suggestions like focusing on your physical feelings and taking deep breaths. It should be possible to do it without the SOS as a guide, your memory is perfectly functional even if you have a worry about doing it on the go. The idea is to notice the thoughts but not spiral down intro trying to untangle them. Over time you'll find that sitting with the feelings doesn't kill you or make it true, and eventually it will reduce the emotional response you get to the thoughts. If you feel up to it, you can trigger the thoughts deliberately when you don't have them to do the ERP. This can usually be done by remembering occasions which have triggered the thoughts before, or looking at exposures about the topic on the internet in order to get that spike of anxiety. It's going to feel counterproductive to deliberately name yourself anxious but so long as your response to the anxiety and fear is to sit with it rather than avoiding using compulsions like problem-solving/ruminating or asking for reassurance or confessing, then it's a good thing to do.
- Date posted
- 5y
Try to remember- don't push the thoughts away or berate yourself for having them. Just don't try to weigh them up or figure out if they're true, because that is the compulsion and that is the thing which is hurting our lives, not the initial thought. Just feel the anxiety they cause. It can't hurt you.
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- 5y
@Louw That's really helpful
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- 5y
Okay. I'm not too sure how to find things to trigger my anxiety. I feel like my intrusive thoughts are always based around me not being good enough and other people not wanting me and me being a bad person, I'm not sure how to get a visual on that.
- Date posted
- 5y
So you know which things and situations tend to bring up those thoughts? Perhaps you can think of a time when your partner wasn't as responsive as you'd like and it triggered these feelings. It seems by your post that her not wanting to comfort you about the feelings can be a trigger, assuming that you were feeling quite bad about yourself when you wrote this post.
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- 5y
:)
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- 5y
Some of these articles might helphttps://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/family-issues/
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- 5y
Thank you :)
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
I have ocd, i have crazy intrusive thoughts that make me super uncomfortable, the thing is i understand that ocd goes against your morals and try’s to make you feel like a bad person but how do i avoid pushing people away while trying to treat my ocd.. i love my boyfriend so so much but when i get intrusive thoughts about hurting his feelings or doing something terrible it scares me so bad that i’m scared to be around him because in my head it’s like “why am i even thinking of this if i love him so much” and i know i would never do anything to hurt him but i just feel terrible because he’s an amazing boyfriend and i have all these bad thoughts. :(
- Date posted
- 21w
Hey guys! My boyfriend has said recently that he doesn't know if he's strong enough to continue with our relationship because of my OCD. He wants to see me overcome my symptoms and learn to live a healthy life with OCD, but my anxieties and obsessions are starting to really affect his life. I understand his reasoning, it's hard to see someone you care about struggle with OCD, especially when it starts to affect you too. I'm asking for tips to deal with my compulsions in the relationship. I HAVE to know the answer to things and sometimes that leads into arguments because even with apologies and discussions I can't let things go, even if they genuinely don't matter or are miniscule issues we have. It's a healthy relationship otherwise but I feel horrible because it's impacting him so negatively, that's the absolute last thing I want to happen. I care for him deeply and he cares for me too, so I don't want my OCD to be a reason we break up but I fear it's headed in that direction. I'm starting therapy soon, but until then what are some things I can do to stop my ROCD from impacting him? I know sitting in the guilt and anxiety of not completing my obsessions will help, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to maybe remedy some of the damage already done.
- Date posted
- 20w
Posting here for the first time, please be gentle, not sure if this is applicable! I definitely struggle with reassurance-seeking especially when it comes to real events, but over time have found ways to self regulate and use self-guided therapy apps and worksheets to help fight any challenging thoughts as they come up throughout the day. There are a few times when I’m unable to do the work myself and don’t feel as emotionally strong, which I feel is reasonable considering how exhausting my symptoms can be (for clarification, I am diagnosed with anxiety but not OCD, although I fear all signs lead me here). Only on the extremely difficult days, I’ll ask my partner for reassurance (he is aware of my tendencies and is quite patient) but he has his own baggage, and having a partner asking for reassurance can be triggering for him, as he was accused of several negative things in his last relationship. He quickly gets overwhelmed with me and feels that I don’t trust him. He is convinced that is the motive of my reassurance seeking. Today in particular, I woke up from a nightmare that reminded me of a past event. After struggling with it myself all day I brought it up in the evening to try and get some help, and did bring it up three times after that. I am always soft and gentle when I ask for help, and even asked for a lighthearted “pinky promise”, which actually seemed to bother him. I understand that it’s not his position to emotionally support me whatsoever and that reassurance seeking can become harmful to the both of us, but for the one-off days where I am having a really difficult time, I feel extremely unsupported by him. For context, my partner has broken my trust before. My thoughts took off during that time. It’s been a few months since then, and me openly seeking reassurance from him is not a frequent occurrence, since I’ve started my self-help. I actually feel I’ve come a long way but I do have days like today that set me back. I love and trust him with all my heart, but man does my inner monologue make me work for it. I just don’t know how to get him to understand that it’s me having to work for it, not him. Unfortunately from the way he reacts, I’ve grown to feel unsupported by him, and am now rarely emotionally vulnerable with him. I am curious if there are any suggestions on helping him help me in a sense.. I don’t know how to get him to understand that it has nothing to do with a lack of trust. I have briefly opened up to him about my strong intrusive thoughts and figured it would help him understand a bit better but I don’t know what to do. I want to add: I have tried talking to him about how I felt unsupported. He just tells me he feels accused and would be supporting me at his own expense. He has even told me that I shouldn’t talk to him about these things, even though the thoughts I struggle with are directly related to events in our relationship. I really can’t seem to get through to him.
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