Could someone give some words of support please? I just saw a tiktok where a lesbian said she liked boys from 9-11 grades and became a lesbian in 12 grade. It is a bit concerning to me but im just accepting the thoughts and telling myself I'll be ok since I know deep down I'm not. But the thoughts are just so overwhelming suddenly that I can't even eat my dinner right now peacefully, every bite is like a spike and every thought that comes is making me cry.

Yeah I said that and immediately had a mini epiphany. Idk why but my brain likes to compare myself to other lesbians coming out. I feel like every realization I have about my strong attraction for guys is like a compulsion and that I need to be anxious about my hocd all the time for ERP

That I might possibly turn out to become gay. That thought doesn't sit right or feel right at all. Like am I faking my OCD? If I am thats going to mean I had always been in denial which scares me. I don't want to nor have I ever liked a female. It hurts me to know that I could be gay or that I might like girls. I don't think I'll survive another day if I turn out to become gay

But I'm trying to calm down and accept the maybe and maybe not. And just thinking this out more rationally though it hurts me soo much.

@chamomile So this girl and her sayings triggered the fear to have an unexpected orientation ?

@Alex Yes, because I don't want it but it feels like it might happen

@chamomile You need to realize that what a person says doesn't automatically works for you too. Besides, what she's saying is literally impossible. Try not to pay too much attention to what random people say.

@chamomile You can also analyze the intrusive thought. Why does the idea of being gay makes you so uncomfortable? What is the worse that could happen if it was the case ? And so on.

@chamomile Well, do YOU pretend to like boys? Do you feel any romantic and/or sexual attraction towards them ?

@Alex Analization is a compulsion. I know I don't like it since I've been kissed by bi girls and I never felt anything, got asked out by multiple girls, never had any remorse or guilt rejecting them. I've always been attracted to guys, enjoyed sexual and rksmntic thoughts of them (still do) and it's stomach churning when I have to think about a woman

@Alex No I don't. Most of my feelings for them have been natural. I also imagine the naturally in a sexual and romantic way. Like I never feel awkward talking about them. On the contrary it makes me excited and giddy

@chamomile Then it's pretty obvious you like boys. The problem seems to be more related to you being doubt-triggered by people's sayings than by your behaviour.

@chamomile By the way, in the context of ERP, analization is not a compulsion. Rumination is though.

@Alex Yes, now that I think of it it is. But still doesn't rule out the possibililty (or at least that's what ERP says) but I also know that I'll probably end up with a man in the near future deep down so I'm just trying to stay super calm

@Alex Well isn't ruminating and analization almost the same?

@Alex But regardless I still do analyze and I have made hierarchies to let myself do ERP :)

@chamomile No, it's not. Rumination is thinking again and again about an intrusive thought until it distorts reality, because you end up thinking it's true. Analizing it in a healthy way is looking at the thought objectively and realizing it's unrealistic.

@chamomile Good luck on having successful ERP. It's tiring at first sometimes but it works.

@Alex Oh thank you so much. I just analyzed for a bit and I just had a mini epiphany and realization that how irrational my thoughts are. I was ruminating a little at the point where I started crying believing it's actually happening ?

@Alex Yeah I've been doing it for two months now, it's going pretty good but there are some days where I ball my eyes out because I can't deal with a specific thought

Because writing a post on the topic while you're distressed is not acceptance at all

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well I write it because I was extremely overwhelmed to the point I wasn't able to accept

@NOCD Advocate - Katie And it isn't like I'm a whole expert at reovery like you, I sometimes need to get my emotions out or at least talk about this. It isn't like I can bottle up this shit all the time

@chamomile It's a learning process. It's ok to make mistakes and learn from them. I still am. Let's try to think of a way you could express yourself without creating opportunities for people to reassure you, even if you didn't directly ask them to

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I'm not asking them to reassure me I just wanted some words of support. Is that too much to ask for? Wow...

Oh okay I get it now. But I still sometimes need to just speak what I'm feeling since no body else to talk. Ill try not to give in so much but I just sometimes need to speak out since I'm doing my own therapy and ERP

@chamomile Would writing in a journal maybe be a middle ground?