bella k
- Date posted
- 5y
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
Yep it's a big compulsion of mine, I get a possibility that I've done something or hurt someone on purpose or by accident in my head and I can't let it go. Feeling guilty for any reason even dysfunctional ones makes me believe I must've done something or caused harm and I look for what it could be. Have confessed true things, untrue things and things with a bit of truth but massively overblown. It's caused me so many problems. And exactly like gitoutmeswamp (amazing name) my mother did the exact same thing. She had the most negative paranoid interpretations of anyone actions but especially mine, she really saw me as an awful person and I didn't understand why (she did therapy for ages since then, of course it was all projection of her own feelings about herself etc). She made tiny mistakes into huge deals and made me feel like I'd be hated and encouraged other people to get mad at me and see me as the problem. And my sister used to do stuff and blame it on me because of that influence, she's apologised heavily about it. Family scapegoat. So now I instinctively take the blame too. Literally when people have lost something I feel like I took it etc, sometimes I'd falsely confess and then they'd discover they just misplaced the thing or whatever. But most of the time I just kept/keep it in from fear of the consequences and it makes me feel like just an awful person, it's followed me my whole life. I do that exact same thing of trying to solve problems other people have or reduce it by throwing myself under the bus even when it's seriously unlikely that I had anything to do with it. I even have a screwed up tendency to OFFER to be the person that gets the blame if something goes badly, I say "tell them it was my idea" etc. I hate having my brain so much. I feel like even if I can somehow rewire it so I don't feel this way about myself anymore, I've done a lot of damage to my own reputation, and putting that combined with times when I actually HAVE done stuff wrong, even where it's was because of codependency or vulnerability, I just must look so awful. I get worried about confessions I've done before which were overblown or false based on me linking shit up from guilt and just needing to purge the guilt, and worry about people hearing about them and believing them or hating me, I literally get nightmares about having to explain myself but nobody understanding or wanting to hear it. My OCD has caused so much shit it's unbelievable.
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
OMG. I am so sorry that you had to go through that too. But it is good to know that we aren't alone. It is definitely nice that we can talk to others going through the same problems here. I also get nightmares of having to explain myself. It can be pretty messed up. I am trying to work on thinking through my actual involvement in situations where I feel guilty. Although it is still hard to not confess each time, it at least gives me a little insight as to my actual role in the issue.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@gitoutmeswamp Yep doing that and getting insight really has helped me. I still feel extremely awful about part when I genuinely have contributed to harm or have done something wrong but I try to have self compassion for those and understand the reasons for my actions as if I'm thinking kindly about another person. I want to be able to see myself as someone who has been in pain and made mistakes like anyone else in life. And yes going over those messy ones despite the guilt has given me a much clearer idea of my genuine part in it and I'm much better at identifying where I have taken too much blame or responsibility. I also need to work on black and white thinking, I suspect. Like the fact I have made mistakes or hurt or upset others doesn't make me an intolerable human, I don't need to have always been perfect.
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy I am soooooo bad with black and white thinking. It is hard for me to make sense of "grey areas" which is like 90% of life. ?
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@gitoutmeswamp But my god those dreams and the fear of being questioned and doubted and hated are just the worst thing ever. I literally get scared to do anything with my life because I don't want anyone to notice I exist and the dreams become a reality??
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy @Scoggy I always have had crazy and vivid dreams. I remember dreams I had in middle school. I used to have what I called "chronical dreams" because much like a book they would pick up where they had left off the night before. It is very hard sometimes to find the line between dreams and reality, especially if your dreams are hyperreal. But I always try to remind myself that what I dream at night isn't going to necessarily dictate what happens during the day. It can be a struggle sometimes though, especially when dreams seem like they already happened in real life.
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy That part takes time. During your fundamental years you are taught that you weren't worth anything and that you were a mess up. Now you have to retrain yourself with love and compassion. "You did the best you could with what you had" Is helpful for depressive rumination.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@gitoutmeswamp It's become a genuine obsession of mine though :( I know that going back and explaining my confessions to people that it's OCD is a compulsion which just stirs up old things which are already left for dead. I need to try to live with the idea that people could talk about me and hate me for all the wrong reasons (as I've made plenty of real mistakes) and that I can still get on with my life. But I suppose I fear building a good life or positive reputation and then it all being taken away. Especially due to confessing stuff I think would be technically a crime even though I took it back at the time when I recognised it didn't make sense. I'm also nervous to potentially do the same thing in the future when I feel the stupid guilt and I never know what it might be about next, like if I get a good career (I'm considering social work as it relates to my degree) and there is some issue that I had some small role in, I could take excessive responsibility and get myself fired and lose my whole career. It's just so difficult to make a move at all. UGH
bella kbella k
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy I’m going interesting social work too!
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy Yeah... That can be really tough. Like someone saod above, it will take time to heal. I know that isn't what any of us really want to hear, but it is what we kind of have to keep reminding ourselves of.
bella kbella k
- Date posted
- 5y
@bella koepp Into not interested
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy Scoggy, we started out rough but I'm pretty sure we are twin OCDers on this platform. ?
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@christinejg94 Oh no, was I mean to you at first? ? See what I mean, I ain't perfect!! MUST NOT BE TRIGGERED Yep you me and mjocd and even mars have a ton in common. And now swampy! What is this fresh hell
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy OMG swampy is the best nickname I've gotten. ??❤❤
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@gitoutmeswamp Ogres are like onions!!
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@christinejg94 Hey also I think we are the same age lol I was born Jan 94
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy They have LAYERS. Why not say parfaits? Everybody loves parfaits!
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy Hahaha we got into a whole fight about POCD and you said my therapist was horrible or a liar and yes girl, I was TRIGGERED. But hey, that's a good thing in ERP, right? ? I avoided this app for 3 days to stop getting notifications for that thread because I was so triggered and went into spiral thinking, "does my therapist lie to me, is all the progress I made a lie, omg, omg, I need to call her and find out, this is all a lie which means I actually AM bad and all the things I've done are probably horrible and she LIED to make me feel better.? Omg, so let me think of those things, right now!!" But eventually I got over it and told myself we can both be right, or maybe I'm wrong but I don't need to catastrophize. Yeah, everything you say, I'm like, I'm have that, do that. We have the same major compulsions and possibly obsessions. Especially after just reading your obsession about things being legal, that's a big one for me too.
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Scoggy September '94. What state do you live in?
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
@gitoutmeswamp ACT therapy is really great at helping with black and white thinking and makes your mind more "flexible."
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
@christinejg94 Thank you!! I will look into that. I hadn't heard of it before.
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
Damn it, y'all. I'm over here compulsing. ? Time to dip for a little, I'll be back later. Hope you all have a great day and stay swampy!
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
You will get through this!! ❤❤
gitoutmeswampgitoutmeswamp
- Date posted
- 5y
Yes! My mom uses to accuse me of things I literally would have never done. It didn't matter how many teachers or friends' parents told her that I never did what she said I had, she wasn't satisfied until I said I did it, regardless of whether or not I did. I know just almost instinctually tale blame for things, or in the very least try to solve other people's problems because I assume that in some way or another I had something to do with it.
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
One of my biggest compulsions is confession.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 5y
It’s very common and I’d recommend you try to resist! It’s a pretty annoying compulsion for others to endure and like all compulsions, it may make you feel better in the short term but it’s only driving your obsessions deeper.
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
When you're fundamental belief about yourself is, "I'm a bad person." OCD has a complete hayday!! And confession and analyzing often take place.
bella kbella k
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah totally! I go back a lot and try and analyze my motives for thing in the past
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@bella koepp AAARGH ME TOO. Like, stuff where I know it was perfectly innocent/genuine when I did or said the thing but I make up a story where my motivations were awful and it doesn't make logical sense but it FEELS so real.
Stronger. Stronger.
- Date posted
- 5y
@bella koepp Always. I don't want to give examples because I'll trigger myself but yes, all the freakin' time. My most recent obsession was, "did I do this action because it needed to be done or because I wanted to feel better? How much of each was it? Cause if it was a compulsion that makes it very very wrong but if it was because it needed to be done then I'm innocent. Also, I should tell my husband incase it was do to a compulsion and I'm a horrible person. He deserves to know how horrible I am."?
Related posts
Anonymous
- Date posted
- 24w
Habitual lying & debilitating guilt
I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake I’ve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over. Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that don’t matter at all, like if I’ve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - I’ve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that I’ve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. I’ve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being. I know most of the reasons for why I lie—attention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I don’t even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what I’m saying. Somethings wrong with me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like I’m being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I don’t deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions. I have a group of girl friends that I met online that I’ve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if I’m remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like it’s a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that I’m a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. I’ve lied to them so much that I can’t even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I can’t stop obsessing over it and I feel like I’m an awful person for this. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m unable to function, and I can’t forgive myself no matter what. I know that if I confess to them, they’ll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And they’re perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I don’t know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just can’t even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, I’ll have to upkeep my lies, and I know I’ll never get better if I keep having to lie. None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and it’s not like I’ll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like I’ve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that I’ve told these girls online that he’d abused me when he actually hasn’t (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what he’s done or what he’s actively doing to me. The girls don’t have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that he’s my ex and that he “physically abused” me. I don’t ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and he’s never received help, and I feel like I’ve learned his behavior. I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didn’t ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when I’ve lied about so many things. It’s also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely don’t have the money to pay her back. I feel like I’ve been living a lie and that it’s unfair to them. I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think I’d be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but I’d be admitting it to three. I know that they’ll think I’m terrible, disgusting, and that they’ll hate me, and then they’ll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it. I’m in a really bad state of mind. I can’t function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still can’t forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like I’m a bad person and no matter what I do, I’m reminded of it. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what I’ve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I won’t ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really don’t feel like I’m ready. Every day I become more and more certain that I’m terrible.
Michele32
- Date posted
- 24w
Compulsions
Less than a year ago, I had a very big anxiety flare up to the point that I felt as though I needed to report to the police / harm myself. I ended up leaving an anonymous tip at the police hotline about something that I know I didn’t even do but everything told me I had to or else I will go to jail. And similarly after that I called the help line and explained I had unwanted intrusive thoughts and I didn’t think I deserved to live for having those thoughts. After these many months and working with my therapist, I’ve been able to feel a lot less anxious around this topic and now I’m getting lots of anxiety about what I did that time when I was so anxious. I gave in to my compulsions and confessed for stuff that I know sounds bad saying out loud but only certain people will understand I would never do. So now I’m just looking for someone to relate and perhaps let me know that I don’t have anything to worry about? I know it’s bad to seek reassurance but I’m not sure where to go. And I’m worried I’m going to keep incriminating myself.
Lillo2000
- Date posted
- 17w
Confession compulsion
I’ve been feeling the compulsion of confession again. I hate confessing things to my boyfriend I don’t want him to carry the burden. I’d rather hurt than him hurt. But I feel I did something wrong and he needs to know. Like I need to be punished or something. I may be over reacting to it but I just feel guilty and I had a panic attack when I woke up yesterday. I would never cheat on him. Just making guys laugh I feel like I am doing him wrong or flirting. And then when I notice it I just feel awful. I just want to be liked and noticed not romantically but just as a human. I don’t know why I act like this and feel the need to tell him as if I slept with someone. I think it’s attacking my biggest fear which is losing him. Does anyone have experience with this?
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