- Username
- Soph
- Date posted
- 4y ago
ultimately i think the point of this is that sexuality exists on a spectrum. you can find people of the same sex attractive and occasionally have sexual feelings towards them but choose to be with someone of the opposite sex and be very attracted to them. even people who have never had same sex attraction their entire lives and have been happily married to people of the opposite sex can become attracted to someone of the same sex later in life. ocd is trying to make us safe and trying to get rid of all the unwanted feelings so that we’ll never have to deal with them again, but there is no such thing as “safe.” we just have to exist and accept whatever comes our way, and sometimes that may be some attraction to the same sex but it doesn’t have to change everything about who we are. but of course that’s way easier said than done and i still struggle a ton ?
I mentioned this to someone else, but there is a clear difference between physical admiration and sexual/romantic attraction. I am a guy and never had a problem with HOCD, until my late 20’s when my anxiety flared up. So just thinking about that rationally helped me. Then it clicked to me that I could think someone is attractive/good looking without there being a sexual/romantic component to it. Just like I can think a dog is a good looking dog without there being some deeper meaning.
How long did you suffer with it for ?
It's not that easy once you start getting groinal responses and it makes you think it IS sexual attraction.
@hateocd123 Yes but you have be able to sit with the groins response and realize that it is not a true arousal and only happening because you are checking on it and hyper focused there, but until you sit with the uncomfortable sensation you will never know and will live in your head. I had it for about 6 months, then I decided to say fuck it and confront it because life was miserable. I’d rather be gay and happy than be stuck in my head an miserable. It’s really just an awareness thing that once it gets into your head it gets stuck there. Like prior to those thoughts I never had any concern about being gay. I was always into women and always masturbated thinking about women and doing sexual things with women, then all of a sudden these thoughts appear and enter my awareness, but what’s changed? Nothing just that I became aware of some troubling thoughts that I didn’t agree with. So I sat with the anxiety and challenged it. I challenged myself to pick out attractive dudes and sit with the thoughts, then over time my brain calmed down and realized that admiring someone physically is not the same as wanting to have sexual or romantic relationships. I remember when I was younger i used to read body building magazines and admire the physiques and I’d go to the gym and workout to try and get a similar physique. 6 pack abs, nice pecs, etc... I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT IT WAS GAY, I would admire the physiques not in a sexual way but because I used it as motivation so that I would become more attractive to WOMEN. So that is proof that you can look at someone and like something about them, their hair, their smile, their body, etc without it meaning you are gay/bi.
@Gainz32 How old r u boss
Unset theme or content of the thoughts, all of us with OCD has to learn to accept uncertainty. We lean into "maybe maybe not", the more you accept uncertainty the more you will see that the thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more than that.
A little clarification on my (and many others’) experience with HOCD. Yes, “I don’t care what my sexuality is, I just wanna know for sure” makes the case for HOCD stronger and more ‘qualified’ sounding- however that is not the only HOCD can manifest. Saying that, can trigger some HOCD sufferers who are simply weary of identifying as lgbtq (an understandable fear). Do NOT get me wrong however. I would do ANYTHING for my friends who are bi and gay. I love them SO dearly and will fight for them for forever. Lgbtq folk who struggle with their identities, and not being loved by the people who are supposed to love them no matter what- INSPIRE me with their resilience. Their strength. Their confidence to live out who they are to the fullest extent. I watched the movie Love, Simon and cried like a baby, and am incredibly excited that Pete Buttigieg is the USA’s first openly gay presidential candidate. However this does not discount the struggles that many lgbtq people face. So many are not accepted by their families, have extremely difficult life transitions, and agonize over coming out. These are not things that people willingly want to go through. Is is completely unreasonable for someone suffering with HOCD to also fear these things? As an example (I’m black)- there is a difference in saying that you wouldn’t want to be black because you believe we are less than, versus saying that you wouldn’t want to struggle with the same things that we do. Just because you understand the trials and tribulations that black people go through in this country and would not want that for yourself, does NOT mean you are racist. It simply means you understand that there is pain. And no human willingly wants pain. Although these are exact things lgbtq people have to deal with (making HOCD distinctly different from most other pure o themes because it becomes impossible to differentiate us from people actually struggling with their identity) it shouldn’t be ignored that HOCD sufferers fear them too! Why wouldn’t we? This is such a deep rooted issue for sufferers because, where you could say someone who is suffering with POCD would never hurt a child simply because their thoughts horrify them (and a real pedophile wouldn’t be scared of their thoughts) you can’t say the same for HOCD. For some of us HOCD people who have these specific fears, it’s even more difficult to trust that what we have is ocd and it’s even more difficult to explain to someone else that what we have is ocd. I’ve had different themes of OCD throughout my life and the obsessive and compulsive behaviors have been the same, but this one makes me feel like I don’t even get to qualify. What a mind-fuck for us, huh? Also understand, this definitely isn’t my only fear. I have been attracted to, day-dreamed about, and desperately wanted to be with one gender my entire life. Having a husband was something I’ve wanted for so very long. It IS a part of who I am and what I want. It’s distressing to think this could all be lost one day. To have these ‘dreams’ stolen by obsessive thoughts, and be made to believe that it was all a lie- is just as hard to deal with as any other form of ocd. When I envision the life that ocd is telling me I “actually” want- I’m filled with sadness. How do any of the rest of you deal with your ocd telling you that you want (or want to do) something- that you actually don’t? I know this can be controversial, and truly truly hope I do not offend anyone- lgbtq friends, I truly do love you. I just want everyone to know that what we can struggle with within each theme, can be very different- but none are any less important or qualified than the others. If you truly disagree and want to share, please be kind. I am just as fragile as a lot of us on here. I’m suffering too.
Tw for people who have HOCD. I recently accepted the fact that I really am bisexual and that's okay. ? I love my husband and nothing will change that. I used to think it was HOCD but after the thought of being attracted to women stopped scaring me, the fears went away but the attraction didn't. So it's no longer a cause for distress and is just a part of me that I've accepted and made peace with. ? However, the one downside of this is, because one of my OCD themes ended up being true, I now have thoughts like "What if they're ALL true? What if every other OCD theme including your POCD is true??" Anyone else in a similar situation?
I wonder what people think about having SOOCD as a straight person and simultaneously striving to be queer-positive and affirming. I feel most “myself”, most free, when I don’t feel pressure from my subconscious to act out on gay impulses and become a flamboyant personality, and when I don’t even have to think about “being straight” because I just am who I am. Even though I’d like to be free from gay obsessions and false attractions that feel like they’ve evolved into real attractions (even though i still don’t feel like I truly want men), I feel guilty that I am choosing not to let this flamboyant “alternate” personality develop. I feel like I’m not a true ally if I’m saying it’s beautiful for other people to experience queer sexuality, but when I experience obsessions and therefore feelings of a queer nature I dismiss it as “not me”. I know we can’t defeat OCD with neat forms of reassurance or ways of explaining the pressure away, but I’m having a hard time not embracing obsessive gay thoughts because I feel bad not actively affirming them. But then accepting them as real makes me super anxious and untrue to myself. Thoughts?
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