I’m currently on holiday and I’m staying with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time. My HOCD has returned and spiked again!!! I keep having urges to check for attraction again and intrusive thoughts about being gay again! I haven’t had this theme in 4 months and now it’s fighting back again! What do I do?!

So looks like I’ve hit a wall I haven’t hit ever with this ocd. If you can even call it ocd. I genuinely feel confused. Idk what’s real or not. Idk what my mind or body wants. I feel so stressed out. My thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore and sometimes it genuinely feels like I want it and I’m just hiding it. I don’t get it. I even lost attraction to this girl I was madly interested in. I don’t know what to do anymore really. I see any dude and my mind automatically starts thinking “you’re attracted to him” literally every single guy I see. I’m not even kidding. I really don’t get what’s going on with me. I haven’t been diagnosed yet because there are no ocd specialists in my area. My mom told me once she thinks she has ocd and my aunt as well. But their ocd seems more like the “traditional” type of ocd where you can actually see their compulsions. I think I struggled from Religious ocd a few years back. Also with my ex girlfriend there was a period where I struggled with ROCD I believe but got over it. Now Hocd has definitely been the worst and what makes it worse is that I actually had a gay experience but even after that I didn’t question my sexuality. I maybe would get the ocasional “you’re gay” thought but wouldn’t pay it attention and it just went away. But now it just can’t leave my head. This has been going on since February. I used to be crazy for women, don’t know what’s wrong with me. I even had sex with the girl I really like about 2 weeks ago and really enjoyed it! But now my attraction for her seemingly disappeared out of nowhere when this hocd bull starts acting up again. I’m so tired of this.

Hello all, I’m new and have been suffering from OCD for a while now, my latest theme is a relapse of my HOCD. I was just wondering do any of you have this constant attraction to nearly every mildly attractive member of the same sex? And also when you are looking at someone you know you are attracted to do you feel nothing? That is what seems to be happening to me lately and I’m worried. Any advice would be great!!!

I do not know what to do anymore. I spiralled again down with my OCD theme and I cannot get out. It is the fear of being bisexual. I am so low at the moment that I have become so hopeless and weary that I cannot discern reality from my thoughts. When I get intrusive thoughts it feels real and the worst part is that I am not even confident anymore that this are intrusive thoughts. I am constantly repeating “I am straight/heterosexual.“ but I always get a certain feeling of tightness inside my chest that I cannot explain. I got with the past theme of HOCD but I did not pay any attention to it. But now it feels too real and my fear that I might be in denial is huge. OCD has put so much pressure on me that I now truly believe that I know something about my sexuality and I do not want to acknowledge it. My thoughts scream at me ”Lies, liar, you know!, I know I am in denial“ and then there is this feeling that makes me feel bisexual. The worst part is that my depression increases my anguish. I also get a lot of false attraction. I always knew I liked the opposite gender and I always had crushes on them. I had even crushes on fictional characters. But my thoughts invalidate this fact. They make me anxiously thinking if I had also crushes or feelings for the same sex and it distorts my past. I almost forgot who I am and for what I fought for. I fought for being heterosexual, for gaining it back and then defending it. Now it feels like fighting for a cause that I do not want to fight for. It feels like something is forcing me to think these things, to view everything in this light and to doubt everything. I am thinking about this theme every minute of my life. I am ruminating a lot and searching all the websites for answers. I am also looking for the difference between denial and HOCD. I used to have a lot of insight into my condition. Now I have nothing. I feel numb. The thought of being with the same sex repulses me and it always did since I have suffered from HOCD. I never had any desires to be with them. I developed even some tics like showing fear, disgust or anger towards my thoughts or clenching my fists. This theme makes me feel that I have discovered something and HOCD was something that has not existed.