- Username
- powoslood
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I’m sorry about your boyfriend. That sounds awful
He’s my ex now thankfully lol
Part of my ROCD beginnings was because I internalized different values from my own, and thus started judging myself as flirty or such because other people wouldn't behave like I do unless they were indeed flirting. I took other people's words too easily into my brain and didn't filter them out, then I started judging myself. I actually feel that pull right now as well, to blame myself, but whatever.
It's a sticky thought probably caused by misfiring somewhere in the brain. Maybe the amygdala is sending false signals to other parts of the brain. But, trying to understand the underlying reasons is a compulsion itself. I would encourage you to after acknowledging the presence of the thought to then immediately go back to whatever it was you were doing and learn to accept the uncertainty about these thoughts. Accepting uncertainty means not knowing what, if anything, these thoughts mean about you. In all likelihood, it's just absurd noise in your head. If you were a pedophile, then you would not be upset with these kinds of thoughts, much less spending time obsessing about them.
I thought of saying the same thing (the last one) but I think this might be reassurance, not sure though.
@little rabbit The last part is a bit of reassurance but, for some people who can still find solace in logic, it could prove helpful.
@Fear Strikes Out Also note that I said. "In all likelihood..." That's not definitive.
Is there a link between PTSD and OCD? I was m*lested when I was eight years old by my older best friend at the time, I was showed adult films and flashed by an older family at a very young age, that was when I started acting out and my behaviour changed completely. 1-2 years after the event, I began to display OCD symptoms though at that time I had no idea what OCD was. We ignored the symptoms for years which gradually got worse. I thought it had gone away after I had moved, I thought I had gotten better but the worst was still coming. I moved again and by this time my mind has pushed my trauma to the back, I replaced those memories with the good ones and forgotten all about life back home until I moved again. I hadn’t been talked about s*xual assault, m*lestation or any of the above because my family is extremely religious and don’t discuss those subjects so I had no idea what happened to me was not okay I thought everyone’s friends did this to them. This was around the time I attempted, but failed which I am glad I did, though nobody knows about it. Once I started researching and hearing other stories from people who went through the very same thing as me as a child it opened my eyes. It also brought back flashbacks and intense emotions I had never experienced in my life. I’d get them on the bus ride home, in class, at home, I’d get triggered very quickly and easily. The flashbacks have stopped for now, though I still haven’t told anybody about the friend who violated me. That’s when my OCD began developing into what it is today, and I went to see a therapist and turns out I had it. Sometimes I wonder if I would’ve told somebody maybe I wouldn’t have this. I don’t like thinking about this or talking about it’s been on my mind for quite a while.
So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?
I believe I’ve always had intrusive/OCD thoughts. When I was younger I always repeated phrases because my brain went “if you don’t do this your whole family will die” but it wasn’t anything too bad. However, when I was 15 I entered my first relationship. I had divorced parents and didn’t know what love was - so it ended up being abusive and I did not know. He forced me to disclose all the people I found attractive as well as all the “unpure” thoughts I had. He deemed fantasizing cheating - which I respected - but also caused for a lot of intrusive thoughts to make me freak out. He also gaslit me and accused me of cheating for the lightest things (gave my cousin a side-hug) and prohibited me from getting male friends because he thought I’d cheat (I’ve never been unfaithful or even flirted w another man. I’ve always had strong morals about it) I believe this trauma is what made my ocd what it is now, since I’m used to being accused for stuff I didn’t understand or have control over. I believe that understanding OCDs roots allows me to heal because it reminds me that I could exist without this thoughts and still had a good moral compass.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond