Was watching a show called atypical with my girlfriend the other day and one of the stars has a boyfriend but she starts getting infinite with her best friend who is a girl. Triggered me like crazy. I don’t have a problem with a couple girls getting intimate lol I just got spiked that her sexual orientation was then uncertain as she was sexually active with her boyfriend and still kind of experimenting with a female of the same gender. I’ve never experimented with a male and I don’t want to. I’m aware sexuality can be fluid and that’s scary. Im in love with my girlfriend and am Sexually active as well. I don’t want to leave her for anyone whether that be male or female. My intrusive thoughts always give me great anxiety when I come across situations like those presented in the show. The biggest thing I did was just accept that I can have thoughts and I don’t need to label them or judge them. I have a choice for what I want to do. I know who I am and what I want deep in my heart and I won’t allow intrusive thoughts to manipulate me. Just accept your thoughts as they are without black and white thinking and breathe. Live through your values.

The thoughts still exist. For the last couple months I’ve been able to say I don’t care and lean into the comfort of being uncertain. Im having a tough time with some things personally right now and guess what decides to show up… Anyways, I’ve been trying to get used to the fact that maybe I’m bisexual with a romantic preference for men (I’m married and love my husband) but when you start going through your compulsions it’s soooo easy for everything to blur out. To my knowledge I’ve never had a crush on a woman but I’ve most definitely watched same sex porn and have thought women are hot and beautiful, then come the thoughts about comp het and how I’ve never been an overly sexual person so that MUST mean something. Ugh idk, just looking for someone to chat with I guess!

Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.

I went to a therapist, I told her about the doubts I was having related to my orientation and the continuous compulsion to check again and again and the thoughts. I told her about my resources -podcasts by Ali Greymond, Chrissie Hodges 's videos, and the books I read to overcome and control myself. She said a couple of things that confused me: 1> Her daughter once asked her "what if she liked girls?" As a mom my therapist said, "Start exploring", and the daughter said naahh. I wonder if the daughter had a thought or was it a chain of intrusive thoughts that plagued her day and night like in my case. 2> She said my sources are right, but I should forget that and not think that I have ocd. 3> She also said if there is any chance I am straight, I should walk on that path- because she has seen lesbians and gays have no feelings for the opposite sex. She said she could see that I was not gay or lesbian in any way. 4> She was interested in my education and masters degrees wasted a lot of time talking about that. 5> She said all these thoughts are causing me anxiety disorders (but I don't have ocd, doc?) 6> She pointed out that being happy and in the present removes these thoughts totally but I am causing myself unnecessary distress. I was doing well before this talk with the therapist now I am triggered a bit. Please share your thoughts.