I had to nap because I had a meltdown. I woke up to a nightmare about the man I love (my ex/but supports and cares for me). In my dream he told me he was getting treated by two nurses. And one wore something a bit revealing. He came back and I saw the video of his treatment (don’t know why-dreams don’t make sense just like ocd I guess) and I instantly got angry and jealous. I have body issues. I’ve been dumped over my body parts and it didn’t bother me at the time, it does now. I pointed out about the nurse with cleavage showing clothes and he said “yea, she has an amazing body. I love her!” That triggered me. I jumped on him and a little silly but I was biting and scratching his face. I thought if I can’t have him no one will and got off of him to go stab this nurse. That’s when I woke up with tears. I’m scared what if I do it in real life. If he meets someone and I get really mad and jealous because I’m not the one he wants to be with? You hear so many stories about deranged jealous exes killing. Last night I thought I saw he was talking to one of his ex and that alone really made me anxious. I’m really jealous of his exes and any woman he talks to. I tell him I wish he were gay. I had so many nausea, panic attacks and melt down I really thought I was losing it. That I was going insane. For a while I was just looking up at the ceiling and I don’t know why but I started to sing twinkle twinkle little star.

Every time I say smthn I like about my body or ask myself questions (likley a compulsion) or even just being around my bf I feel like this frog in my throat/nausea feeling. Why?? I never used to feel that before all of this. I love my body and I love being a woman I have no desire to be a man, maybe to try out semi masculine/tomboyish styles for funsies but that’s it. Ex- I was saying just now I do like having smaller boobs even tho they’re not super big or visible when I wear baggy clothes (that’s been bothering me lately. I’m wearing a sweater rn and I can’t see them ;-;). Then I end up in a loop of “if there was a button in front of you to turn you into a man would you press it” my brain jumps to yes but I don’t want that I don’t think. Idk. I’m just confused. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Certain nicknames my bf gives me make me anxious or nauseous but if I didn’t have this I don’t think they would. He reused a nickname I haven’t heard since I last saw my half siblings so maybe that’s where it’s coming from? I like the nickname it’s cute, especially when he says it out loud. I think I’m just weird with nicknames tbh. I like calling him nicknames but I haven’t really been called anything till we started dating. It started with honey, meu amor, meu anjo, and habibi/habibti (he’s Arab, I’m Brazilian. Banger food combo. We’ve joked about opening a fusion restaurant lol) and it’s kinda evolved from there. Idk the nauseous feeling has been persistent lately. Especially cuz his parents hate my guts rn 😀and likely will forever should be and I get married. Which I do want. But then my SOOCD comes in screaming NO YOU DONT YOURE GONNA LEAVE HIM AR THE ALTAR FOR *insert friend I have a false attraction to* (I’m pretty sure it is false attraction. I don’t like her in that way. But every time there’s a joke I get a groinal response and panic internally. We’re not close and I don’t get excited to see her or want to be closer to her the way I do with my bf/before he and I started dating. I know what a crush feels like. But I feel like I’m going insane and that it isn’t ocd and I’m just losing my mind and I don’t love y bf). I love being back at university but also hate it at the same time cuz I live in an all girls dorm. Which is. Great. When my ocd makes me think I’m a lesbian. And all my friends are queer so this kinda doesn’t help. The friend that is specifically being targeted atm is a lesbian. Lately it’s been her for a while. How long does it take for it to jump false attractions? Cuz I’m worried that if it lasts a certain amount of time it’s a real feeling. I also just get groinal responses around my friends a lot and it bugs me. Why am I feeling a twitch and feeling wet? We’re playing cards? Oh god am I turned on by an entirely different friend than the usual target cuz she’s wearing shorts? Like😃😃😃I’m losing it lol I also feel generally numb? Like idc if this happens with him, idc if he can’t see me. But then when I can’t see him or if I even imagine smthn happening I start sobbing. There’s currently restrictions on guests in the dorm so we can’t even cuddle or hang out in silence. He came to pick me up the other night to go for a drive and it was nice and wonderful but I did feel a tad bit anxious. Maybe it’s cuz it’s been 2 months, I’m worried about meeting his parents, he has 2 jobs and has classes, I have classes and a club presidency to deal with, I’m on vyvanse, etc. multitude of reasons but once we eased into it I felt better. We kissed a little and all I could think of was “I love his eyes and his smile” I was worried I would hate kissing him. But I loved it (idk it’s like my brain wipes the memory and is like “lol do you even like kissing him or having sex with him??” And it’s putting in memories of me being uncomfortable and annoyed by his kissing which I never am. Sometimes his mustache and beard are pokey but I think that’s normal lol) even when I enjoy things my brain is like “nah you’re GAYYYY🫵AND on top of that! You’re likely a man who is denying that he is trans. Here’s a name for you that you never asked for or conjured up!” Idk if anyone else’s ocd does that. I like being a woman, love it some days. Neutral most days, whcih I did read is normal, cuz you’re just going about your day as you are. Not thinking about it. Not feeling anything wrong. I never did till this shit. I don’t think about it often but one night it just hit me like a freight train “what if I am trans and suppressed it? I mean I was a tomboy as a kid.” But I know plenty of tomboys grow into cool girls so. ??? Idk. Ramble over. I have class🫡

Rant :3 I’ve been doing very very well for myself managing my ocd on my own with erp. I used to be very reactive and give into compulsions. With time, i’ve been resisting the urges to perform compulsions. The more they come up the easier the answers come to me about how I should go about reacting or confronting something I’m facing that isn’t performing compulsions. I’m more in tune with my values and I have more structure around being the healthy person I want to be. That being said ….. 😵‍💫 This week (specifically yesterday) I gave into my compulsions. My bf and I like to give each other silly “what would you do” scenarios. Some are silly and some require a little more thinking because the answer would reflect our values and beliefs. We started off our conversation on the phone being silly and joking. Then I was like hmmm what makes you jealous! And he gives me some examples but for some reason I register his answers as like…not “good enough”? He’s not the jealous type to begin with and I learn that it’s a healthy trait to have as it would make him confident in himself and our relationship. But I’m getting intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous or having a bigger reaction to some scenarios it means he doesn’t care about me or love me that much. I know better than to believe the thoughts but I’m searching for reassurance that he cares about me so I’m giving him more hypothetical scenarios. The more scenarios I gave him, he gave me answers that didn’t validate my intrusive thoughts that him not being jealous/having a bigger reaction= him not caring about me or loving me that much. I got more frustrated and I got snarky or like snappy towards him. To me, his answers that were healthy, not blown out, and not extremely reactive wasn’t enough. I felt like his method on going about the situations (in a healthy way mind you) wasn’t validating my (unhealthy) thoughts. I felt bad for being snappy at him. During our call I was being annoying and doubling down on statements that I didn’t even agree with just to make him upset or frustrated, for the sake of being an opposite to him, brushing it off by saying I’m only joking and pointing a finger back at him. I don’t know why I did that. Like why I decided to bully him/ why I wanted to hurt his feelings. I’m getting over a toxic habit I had where if someone hurt me or disrespected me I felt like I had to give it back or give it even worse. I would do this with my intrusive thoughts and apologize later because of this trait. Maybe it was that toxic behavior coming through. Mayhaps it was also a way to see if he’d still love me, give me reassurance and stay with me if I put him in a position where I’m not being nice or respecting him so it could show how much he’d want to be with me. I knew that the idea of being jealous or having extreme reactive behavior isn’t healthy but I still wanted reassurance regarding that concept anyway. Grrrr >:l. I also apologized and asked if he was okay before we went to bed. He’s fine and not upset with me but I just didn’t like how I was putting him in a corner with these scenarios and called his healthy answers boring because it wasn’t what my intrusive thoughts wanted to hear for validation😵‍💫 I don’t want to ruminate on why I bullied him but I also don’t want it to happen again. Like last week we hung out and in the middle of us chilling in his room I didn’t want to be around him and everything he did annoyed me. The feeling passed after a couple minutes but it was weird as it hasn’t happened before or at least to that degree. This feeling was like a repulse. It felt different than just me being overstimulated and wanting space. Weird. Anyway that’s my rant. Having a fine evening ^v^ hope you angels are too🤍🪽

I'm a minor, and I'm embarassed to talk with my parents about this. I have always has intrusive thoughts. Disturbing ones. Since i am a child. Sometimes I ruminated about them, but I usually forgot about them after a while. Now, I've been in this amazing 1 year relationship and I felt real love for the first time. I felt new, loved, I felt ready to marry and have his kids in the momment we had economical stability and could live together. Since march, I've been a mess. In march, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep (i would have horrible nightmares where I cheated on my boyfriend, most of the times with women), and I would find myself in the same tracksuit 7 days a week, incapable of taking a bath, even tho I am obsessed with my visual image (I am goth, and I love to style my clothes, treat my hair and everything). I talked with him about this, and I cried so much, I asked him "what if we need to take a break?" And ge calmly said he would wait for me all the time i needed, while giving me cookies on the mouth because i was not able to pick them myself. "Depression, erection, whatever, I'll always be here" he said joking. God I love him. We agreed to make a break but we couldn't handle it. We got back later that day. I felt reliefed and that night, I was able to eat and sleep, but next day it was all over again. And with this "you don't love him" thought, these came too: "you are a lesbian", "maybe you like your ex", "look at that guy there, you like him", "you dont give your man attention enough", "you're getting bored", "just by having these thoughts you are already cheating on him", "you don't care anymore if he cheats on you", "HE IS CHEATING ON YOU, YOU ARE TRASH, HE WANTS HIS EX", "your relation will end just like your last one". And this sensation too, that I consider to be the worse: Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend and my ex are mixed up. Context- I broke up with my ex last year, cause he would not give me personal space, and I couldn't take it anymore. I knew what I felt. But now, sometimes my mind tells me that I'm still with my ex, that my pictures with my boyfriend are false, and it's my ex there, my mind tells me I like to think about this but I don't. What if I do?? I'm going crazy. When I look ate the plushies my boyfriend gave me my mind tells me "It was your ex who gave them to you". When I'm watching a serie "that character looks like your ex". And this was the worst situation: once, I was with my boyfriend and we were having sex. Suddenly my mind told me I was having sex with my ex and not with my boyfriend. (My boyfriend is the first and only one who ever saw me and touched me that way.) I panicked. I pushed him away, telling to get off of me, crying, almost yelling, I couldn't see my beautiful boy there, and it hurted so much. I beggined to pull my own hair, scratch my own legs and punch my own face. But my boyfriend was there. He huged me, and for the first time, I felt uncomfortable with him because I couldn't tell who he really was. I stayed in that mood for like 2 weeks in july, and now it started again. Please, someone help me. Kind words, but mostly advices are needed