I had to nap because I had a meltdown. I woke up to a nightmare about the man I love (my ex/but supports and cares for me). In my dream he told me he was getting treated by two nurses. And one wore something a bit revealing. He came back and I saw the video of his treatment (don’t know why-dreams don’t make sense just like ocd I guess) and I instantly got angry and jealous. I have body issues. I’ve been dumped over my body parts and it didn’t bother me at the time, it does now. I pointed out about the nurse with cleavage showing clothes and he said “yea, she has an amazing body. I love her!” That triggered me. I jumped on him and a little silly but I was biting and scratching his face. I thought if I can’t have him no one will and got off of him to go stab this nurse. That’s when I woke up with tears. I’m scared what if I do it in real life. If he meets someone and I get really mad and jealous because I’m not the one he wants to be with? You hear so many stories about deranged jealous exes killing. Last night I thought I saw he was talking to one of his ex and that alone really made me anxious. I’m really jealous of his exes and any woman he talks to. I tell him I wish he were gay. I had so many nausea, panic attacks and melt down I really thought I was losing it. That I was going insane. For a while I was just looking up at the ceiling and I don’t know why but I started to sing twinkle twinkle little star.

I’ve fallen apart completely. After dealing with a somewhat narcissistic ex, I found out he’s married with kids and pities another ex that he wasted 3 years of her life until she also found out he was married. When I found out instead of owning up to everything he lashed out at me and said he lost feelings long ago after a drunk incident I had and only took me in for pity because I lost my job and was in a foreign country. During this time it was hot and cold he would lash out and put me down and then also call me the love of his life. Now he talks to me for some closure and he is feeling like crap about the situation. He still tries to blame me and take blame off of himself which is frustrating. He had mastuebation videos of me without my face in it I think. When I got hurt I was badmouthing him to his friends and he told me if I want a war he will start. Now he acts like a hero saying oh I could’ve sent the videos to your parents but I’m not that evil and wouldn’t do that, then he warned me to stay away from his friends. I’m shaking and can’t sleep and the guy who called me the love of his life does this. He told me he did have the biggest love and it got toxic from my drinking overtime but he never had bad intentions. Still my ocd doubts if he’s telling the truth about videos and my self esteem is at zero. I’m alone and looking for work but I’ve been in my room cooped up for days now. No money to do anything and no mental strength to even try and work out.

So I have never got to tell my story out of all the forums that I’ve read and I just wanna share mine. Any advice is appreciated or similar stories are welcome to be shared. I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago I just really knew of him but one night at a party I approached him and we talked and from then he played kinda hard to get so I just kept asking him to go on a date.. and that was all it took. We were connected like whole heartedly. I always said that I had found my lobster. I have always struggled with having extreme jealousy issues. Always assume the others cheating or that they don’t love me or like scared they will go out and be with other girls. 6 blissful months went by and then one morning I woke up and just felt like a switch had flipped. I was devastated this was what I believe is the love of my life and now I woke up just confused. Questioning my love, if it was true, someone else. It was horrible. And still is.

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?