I wanted to try & get pregnant this year. But bc my anxiety & HOCD have been so bad this year Idk if I should. Makes me sad. Idk if I could handle all the thoughts with a baby. I just wanna be me again ??‍♀️

Exposure, meditation, and telling this stupid fucking brain to turn up the volume. Let’s see how sick it can get, it already targets my five year old boy. But the worst hasn’t happened yet, and not started developing that kind of interest. So the truth is I’m turning on it. I’ll never know for sure if I was capable or not, and I’ve even accepted I’m ENTIRELY capable of developing such terrible fantasies or predilections. But - again - it ain’t happened yet. Somewhere along the line I lost sight of myself and my capabilities. I’m reclaiming them. I’ve achieved more in the last nine years than at any other point in my life so I do wonder if my brain is giving me more issues to actually deal with and face, as opposed to trying to torture me. So that’s how I’m livin! You can do it 465. Know yourself, trust your senses, dig deep for courage and face this goliath. Remember the wizard of oz was a scared shitless old man when the curtain was pulled back. Rooting for ya!!!!

I feel the same I want to be myself again but don’t let it stop u from ur goals u got to fight this good luck merry Christmas n a happy new year

Thank you @ocd465. I agree I shouldnt allow it. But its so much stronger than my feelings @ this point. Im gonna try to have a good weekend. & push myself one day at a time!

Yh I no how u feel seriously ocd is the worst thing in the world in makes u question if ur a good person or bad person n what ur true intentions are I’m still working on mine working progress but we will get through this one day it be a bad memory take care hun xx

Ocd465: was your theme POCD? It was one of mine that came back (amongst others ) and I feel I may eventually come out the other side. Keep pushing, do meditation, and expose to the thoughts be they images, sensations or questions. None of it is really you after all just technical possibilities. I’m find meditation to be very useful for mine, especially given the sexually themed obsessions (including sex addiction) to be rooted in childhood trauma. Time my cousin was made to answer for his crimes.

I have done. And as I write this and picture what my kind has shown me I can ‘feel’ that Of my brain tugging at me for analysis and interpretation. The only way out is to put down the rope - running over it again and again thinking the next time you’ll ‘solve’ the mystery is the problem here. Anxious thinking is based on catastrophic misinterpretation of certain signals. The underlying anxiety of driving this engine. And your posts here could become compulsive. Put down the rope 465. The only way out is to show your brain repeatedly that you are willing to have the thought and you are ALSO willing to not solve it.

You’ll get the Feeling that COULD happen. The feeling that something is wrong. Don’t trust the feeling. Trust the knowledge - because the circuitry controlling your feelings is backward right now. You know this is not you, but you FEEL you could be. Don’t trust your feelings in the midst of an OCD storm.

I know it’s tough. One day at a time.

This last question is a reassurance seeking question. The honest answer is it varies from what I’ve read. But they don’t question the outcome incessantly. You don’t know anything with absolute certainty including this. Try to move on. I’m still working at it. Allowing my mind to do and show whatever the fuck it wants is making it tend to NOT the deliver the signal.

Look up inference based therapy, have a read on it and see if it helps. OCD only offers doubt on doubt. So it’s not worth interacting with.

You only control actions. And your responses to the urges, sensations, feelings, and random thoughts. Remember the brain has been dealing with this fear for a long time. It will take a good while to normalise. Beating OCD especially pernicious themes like harm, sexual assault, paedophilic, murder, etc......takes real grit! The approach is not a Complicated one, but one that takes a lot of courage and persistence. I am getting there but I still find it tough. I was talking to someone else on here who seems to have had similar trauma and then their ocd Ramos up to protect them so I can’t wait to get this trauma focussed therapy going. I’m hoping if we get it right then the ocd will back off a lot. But we will see. Thanks for your kind words. I have struggled and feel terrible that I have such thoughts about harming my own family. But it’s getting better slowly but surely. Just got to keep the faith. I know how you feel though. I really do.

Yes I suffer with pocd n it’s the worst thing ever makes me question everything how r u coping with it

What do u mean technical possibilities??

Thank u I hope things go well for u aswell

It’s so horrible when u get a bad thoughts n u feel u like it n want to do it n ur attracted to them it makes me sick do u face this I really don’t no what to do anymore

I’m scared if I do that it will trigger again n make me feel like a pedo

Ok I’m trying my best just some days r harder then others life is so fucking hard!!!!!

Thanks for ur help I hope u get over ur ocd soon can I ask u one more thing Does actual pedos feel no remorse for the sexual desires so many ppl tell me different things but I think it makes more sense for them to have no remorse because they r not normal obviously who finds a kids sexually attractive

I really needed it hear that thank u

@soniclen I’m really struggling I didn’t have a good Christmas I was so worried for a second I wanted to masterbate to a little girl I’m scared that I’m attracted to I always wonder y she comes at inappropriate timing like when I’m with my boyfriend n stuff it’s so bad have u experienced that I really don’t no how I’m gonna get better

I can’t explain it properly because I’m not really sure what happened myself I just hope I’m not a pedo n I don’t find her attractive

First of all I’m going to congratulate you for being honest about the thought. That takes guts so well done. The brain is testing to see if it is something that is ok, that you’re interested in pursuing further or if it’s a potential for danger. It’s pretty horrid as thoughts go, but you don’t control thoughts and panicking on this will not help. YOU don’t like this and the part of your brain that generates this does not deal in right or wrong, interest or disinterest, love or hate. Just content. Try very hard to allow it to be there and pass by naturally. But not to try to solve. I heard a podcast by a therapist who said if they ruminated on being a murderer or a paedophile for weeks at a time they could find areas or reasons where it could make them question themselves. Once again - focus on what you want, what your values are and be willing to allow the noise to be there until it quiets in its own. Which might take months to really subside but the worst will pass in a couple. I wrote this as I sit next to my son and when I looked at his mouth I saw an image of shoving my junk in there. I got a pain in head and physically uncomfortable pain and ‘dirty’ feeling in my groin. And that’s all I’m doing with it. I know some will judge the content I have written and feel I’m a disgusting pervert, or potentially eve or just plain weird. So be it. Fuck this condition and the bullshit horse it rode in on. I don’t like it, I don’t want it, it can affect my sex life and it is pure anathema to my values or goals as a parent. BUT I also accept I am entirely possible of developing such a predilection if I were so inclined. If I chose to engage (with the exception of exposures), then that would determine what I want. Mine is also tied to trauma and to be honest I think there are remnants of that which also needs trauma treatment which I start in January. But I’m doing the work, I’m practising patience, I’m meditating, I’m exercising and I’m being the best husband and father I can be. I just gotta wait a while so my brain can get with the program and stop sending these god forsaken thoughts. I ‘urge’ you to do the same.

Ok thanks I just can’t deal the feeling of liking it n having a strong urge to do so do u experience false feelings n urges that u want it but u no u don’t but the brain plays a cruel trick on u

U sound like a wonderful dad n husband don’t let ur ocd tell u overwise now if only I can take my own advice I would like to have kids one day but I don’t think I can mentally cope with them or be strong enough tbh

U said u don’t controls thoughts do u control feelings n urges or is that that intrusive thought sending false signals to ur body

@soniclen I spoke to my bf n a few ppl on here that really helped me last night n for a couple of minutes I actually felt so much better like I’m not a sicko I wish I can feel that way all the time but baby steps I no but I think ocd didn’t like me feeling that way n tried another way to kick me down n now I feel so confused whether or not I am a pedo because my brain is telling me I want to be one n that it’s good nothing wrong with it n now because I’m so tired of this I just feel like I want to be one it’s good n all I think that’s because I’m over thinking n exhausted is that normal or am I turning into a pedo have u gone through that I think I’m overthinking n analysing too much because I’m still scared into y I felt a strong desire to masterbate over that girl n scared that I was close to doing it n likening it

@soniclen basically ever feel that u just don’t no how u truly feel anymore n what u really desire n what u like. It’s all so confusion when my bf touches me I just want him off

Yes I have questioning everything and to be honest coming on here to help others has got me ruminating again lol. Look - the constant questioning and reassurance seeking is driving the ocd engine. You will never be certain you could not develop the attraction because the truth is - if you wished to develop such an interest...... YOU COULD. Technically, you could decide to start sexualising children, you could decide to download illegal material and get off to it. Or any other variant. You won’t become a paedo now all of a sudden, attraction or at least orientation doesn’t work like that. People who do this start in childhood or early adolescence and that means doing it, not questioning it over and over. The question is big because you reacted with panic and now the brain wasn’t a sure fire answer. You can’t think your way out emotional turmoil, which is why rationalising will NEVER work. As you have seen, one question gets answered only for another angle to present itself. The only way to beat OCD is to starve it. Try to resist coming on here for a few days and see how you do. It will be really hard, but the subconscious mind always follows the conscious mind and you are in conscious control.