- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
For me at least I've always been very supportive of the lgbtq+ community and have even helped charities like GLSEN to raise money but once I got soocd, the lgbtq stuff started making me so anxious that I wasn't able to have anything to do with it... it sucks cause when watching movies with lgbtq people in it, I used to feel so good that they get the representation but nowadays when I see a gay character for example I'm just filled with anxiety because of my ocd... It has nothing to do with homophobia for me but it's the fact that I'm afraid of becoming someone I'm not/losing myself entirely which is scary. It feels like nothing I've known is true anymore and I feel so lost in my own life in which I used to be very comfortable in... I know it's very wrong when some people with soocd say they'd rather die than be gay but I believe it comes from a very distressed place in their heart and although it is inconsiderate to say so, I believe they mean something more like "I'd rather die than lose myself". I'm not, however, saying that no one with soocd is homophobic since those unfortunately exist too but I believe that the idea of losing self is so distressing that some say extreme things... I also don't want to attack anyone or make anyone feel uncomfortable, this is only my view/experience.
- Date posted
- 4y
I’m also bi. I definitely know what you’re talking about, I have seen some posts that are pretty homophobic on here. Like I don’t think people always realize they’re being homophobic, I think it’s usually implicit bias or they haven’t really critically analyzed why they think that way. But it doesn’t make it less hurtful to read, especially knowing how many lgbtq+ people commit suicide or develop mental illness because of additudes like that. I’ve definitely seen, “I’d rather die than be gay,” and posts that treat being lgbtq+ as some undesiable thing. And I completely agree with you that soocd is not an excuse for it. If I see something that bothers me, I will usually call it out. Note that calling it out doesn’t always have to be mean, sometimes it can be, “I see you said x, and I just want to you aware that it is harmful because y.” If you’re worried about them stressing, you can also say something like, “you might not have been aware this was harmful so don’t beat yourself up, just be careful in the future with what you say.” But also—you don’t owe them that if they said something hurtful. Honestly I find 95% of the time on this app, the person apologizes, and realizes their mistake.
- Date posted
- 4y
Oh btw quick terminology thing since I see there may have been some confusion in the discussion above: Internalized homophobia is when a gay/bi/pan person believes homophobic things about themselves. I think what you’re referring to might be “implicit bias” or “implicit homophobia,” which is when a straight person holds homophobic beliefs without realizing they do. When you say, “it’s possible to have internalized homophobia and soocd,” I think what you might be referring to is that it’s possible to have implicit bias/homophobia and soocd at the same time. I see this mistake all the time so don’t worry about it. 😊
- Date posted
- 4y
@Nikki1809 Oh wow now I feel like a prat lmao thank you so much for correcting me on that, that explains why what I was saying didn't make much sense! I really appreciate the reply anyway, it's nice to hear that you understand what I'm saying. And that's some good advice! I think I'll do what you're suggesting, call them out in a non-aggressive way
- Date posted
- 4y
@rosejane13 I think it’s a common mistake, especially since “implicit” and “internalized” both start with an “i.” The world needs to get better at naming things lol. I’m glad to help. :)
- Date posted
- 4y
As a person who’s recovering from SO-OCD, I definitely see the homophobia that comes from some sufferers. I’m not trying to excuse their words bc it’s inexcusable, but based on experience, them saying that they’d rather die than being gay or something along the lines comes from a place of self anger and pain rather than true hate. I’ve been guilty of that at some point in my life and I realized the mistake that I’ve made. I support the lgbtq community 100% and I would never do anything to harm members in that community. However, I believe that because of our heteronormative society, everyone including myself, has got a little bit of internal homophobia that they have to unlearn. The people who are homophobic on this app arent at that stage yet but steering them in the right direction can help them get there.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Esosa this is what i meant- sometimes people say the wrong things because of the pain and confusion they are expirencing, and that doesn’t mean it’s ok, but the best way to combat this is to respectfully remind people who said something offensive to be thoughtful and kind. i think that most people on this app would be ashamed and upset at themselves if their words hurt someone else, and i know that if someone told me something i said was homophobic, i would take it to heart and never say it again- i think most people here aren’t trying to hurt anyone and their words are coming from ignorance, so educating is the best way to stop people from being homophobic. i understand how triggering it could be to hear homophobic statements here, so i’ll try my best to correct people when they say something offensive as well :)
- Date posted
- 4y
@zeep Yea even though both are unacceptable, I do believe that there's a difference between homophobia born from hate and homophobia that comes from the awful confusion of SOOCD. It's always best to educate with empathy! But it's definitely necessary for people to unlearn their internal homophobia, it's quite a common problem here and I want this community to be a safe space for everyone
- Date posted
- 4y
@Esosa No I absolutely agree, my experience is that 90% of the time when people on this app make comments like that they don’t realize they’re being homophobic, and many are willing to fess up to the mistake when it’s pointed out. There’s been exceptions to that for sure, but I haven’t seen that often. And honestly if you can recognize your biases when they’re pointed out and work to change them, that’s what I’m really going for. Everyone has a little bit of implicit bias (like I said above the technical word in social psychology is implicit bias or implicit homophobia but it’s ok I got what you meant 😊), and I’m really glad your at a point where you can recognize that in yourself. And your right not everyone is at the point where they can recognize that, and I really think calling people out is important to help them. I think this is an important discussion to have. Like because as much as it comes from a place of hurt when people say things like that, it can also be triggering and hurtful to read things like that. And I imagine for someone figuring out their sexuality and experiencing internalized homophobia, it’s really harmful to them. These discussions aren’t always going to be comfortable but they’re important. I’ll admit, though, there definitely was a period of time when I first learned about soocd where I was really confused and hurt by the idea that all these straight people were so terrified of being like me. I’m definitely getting better at understanding though. I still think it’s really important to call out homophobia when we see it on here. It’s the only way people can learn and grow, and honestly when I see someone make a post like that and then I look at the comments and not one person called it out, that hurts.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Nikki1809 It really is an important discussion to have! It was the silence on the matter that bothered me the most, to be honest. (And I once again said "internal" instead of "implicit" in my last comment, I really need to get that out of my head)
- Date posted
- 4y
@rosejane13 I should maybe clarify I’m not an expert on terminology and could also totally be getting the language wrong. Mostly I just wanted to make a distinction so that someone with soocd didn’t come in and read this and think, “oh no I have internalized homophobia,” when really were talking about implicit bias. But I wouldn’t worry too much about messing up the language. I’m glad we opened up this discussion. I think a lot of people probably feel this way—they’re hurt by homophobic comments but not sure how to approach someone with soocd when they make them because they don’t want to make it worse. Like and I definitely want people with soocd to have a place where they can talk about these things, but this also needs to be a safe place for the lgbtq+ community. And sometimes it can be hard to strike that balence.
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you for your well written reply! :) I completely understand where you're coming from, I don't have this type of ocd but I know what it's like to be unsure of who you are. So I can definitely understand your avoidance of lgbtq+ content and I don't associate that behaviour with homophobia. However I do believe that though ocd is an illness, it is not an alibi. I have definitely heard some people with SOOCD saying they're specifically repulsed at the idea of being gay, not just because they're afraid of losing themselves. I have quite severe ocd at times but I don't believe that excuses everything I say or do. That's why idk what to do because part of me relates to their ocd and wants to help them, and the other part is outraged and wants to speak its mind, but that could make them stress even more?
- Date posted
- 4y
i think a lot of the time people with soocd are confused about what they are feeling and they might say something that makes it seems like they don’t have soocd. i like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt because i can’t judge someone else’s sexual orientation, only they can. we all found this app because we are struggling, and it could be incredibly triggering to someone with soocd to hear they are expirenceing internalized homophobia. i can understand how confusing this theme could be to someone who doesn’t have soocd, so i understand where you are coming from, but soocd is incredibly confusing, and a lot of the time people don’t even know what they feel about anything. if someone says something offensive, by all means, please remind them to be thoughtful and correct them, but if someone says something you think soocd isn’t, give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t comment telling them they don’t have soocd.
- Date posted
- 4y
I know it can be triggering and I'm sorry about that, that's why I put the TW, but it can also be triggering to see someone being homophobic. That's my dilemma, I don't want to make other people suffer but I also don't want them to say things that make people suffer. But I think you misunderstood me, I would never tell someone that they don't have SOOCD! But I think it's possible to have SOOCD and internalized homophobia at the same time, and that's where the difficulty is, because telling them that they're being homophobic will probably trigger them, and not saying anything definitely interferes with my moral values
- Date posted
- 4y
so you think someone can have soocd and internalized homophobia at the same time? like theyre having ocd but they’re actually gay or bi?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
- Date posted
- 14w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
- Date posted
- 14w
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
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