my best friend just told me that she’s mad that she’s the only one trying to make an effort to hang out and that she’s exhausted trying to be my friend. i don’t blame her, i am a shitty friend and i don’t make an effort to make time for her, sometimes i make excuses so i don’t have to hang out with her. it’s exhausting for me having to talk and carry a conversation and do things an have fun with other people, it’s demanding and whenever i have to hang out with people i have to put on a persona and act like i want to be there. sometimes it’s nice to be around people but a lot of the time i just want to leave. i’m an introvert, and i don’t think my anxiety helps. i feel so bad, she deserves better than me:/

My pocd makes me feel really lonely. I have friends who I love but they also struggle with mental health too, and when I'm there to listen and support them sometimes it's just too much and I feel like a bad friend. I can't help but feel like it's not the same, I know you can't compare your struggles to others but sometimes when my friend is telling me how they feel a lack of motivation and depressed I honestly wish I was just dealing with that instead of that and fearing that I'm a pedophile ontop of it. Like at least the thing you're dealing with isn't something that will make 90% of the population despise you, you know? I know that sounds bad and isn't very mature but I'm always the therapist friend for other people, and I'm the only one actually seeking help and trying to get better and I arguably have the worst thing to deal with. I feel like my friends only want to talk to me when they're depressed or need advice and I'm so tired of it.

I’ve been dealing with ocd and anxiety since I was a kid, but these recent years have been the worst it’s ever been. It’s hard to communicate with people about your mental health so I’ve been self isolating by accident lol, my social anxiety is terrible and it’s extremely stressful for me to hangout with people and my friends don’t seem to really understand even when I try my best to explain. They notice I don’t hangout as much but to them it’s “me being weird “ or “ a fake friend” I don’t know what to do and it’s frustrating

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.