- Username
- screwuOCD
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I struggle with this too. Right before my first relationship, HOCD hit me. I was so worried I wouldn’t like how sex felt, I worried I was lying about being attracted emotionally. We broke up two years ago and now I am scared I will never find anyone or being attracted again. I also obsessively look through my past for signs I was gay. And it scares me bc I have watched lesbian porn and been aroused but never questioned my sexuality bc of it until these obsessions began, I also am worried I had crushes to the same sex that I am in denial about and that the real crushes I had were fake. Ugh it’s so stressful
I hope someone gives u a tip with this because I kinda have the same thing and am lost as well
I know how you feel. I’m a married man to my amazing wife. We got married in March of this year. Have been in therapy since July after having an episode in late June where it felt as if I wasn’t going to make it and we weren’t going to make it. I’d been in a better state of mind in recovery for the last couple weeks. However, last Thursday and Friday sucked in terms of OCD. Today also sucked. However, I was just reminded of the character trait of perseverance that Navy Seals (Soldiers) focus on in their training. They are taught to “embrace the suck”. Basically those who have made it successfully through the training are those who learned to keep fighting and moving forward in the face of pain. OCD sucks and is painful. ERP sucks and is painful. But it’ll be worth it if we don’t quit and keep going, despite the lies and BS that OCD tells us.
Logic : 1. if you were gay you wouldn't develope the attraction to opposite sex emotionaly and sexualy , 2. If you were gay you wouldn't have homosexual hocd , 3. The anxiety and thinking that you are in denial is prety common on hocd
It’s a hell of a thing. And at no point am I looking for reassurance so thank you very much. Mentally it gets very exhausting. So most times I literally cuss my OCD out. Side note- a drank a few days in a row. Come to find out drinking makes my OCD wayyyy worse the next day. 😔
The thank you was NOT supposed to sound so rude! Whoops!
@screwuOCD No thats nothing when I didn't know what I had , I was so stressfull with too many thoughts that I didn't know where they came from till I discovered that I had simular symptoms of hocd and a week later hocd kinda developed saying that it can't actually be hocd , so with this everybody with hocd should know that more you know about sexualities the smarter and tricky hocd gets
Well, we are all in the same boat and we can all do this. While we don’t need reassurance because we kiss butt and will tell OCD who is in control. Let’s all sit in the pain and learn! Thank you everyone!
In a similar boat happily married and ocd attacks my relationship not with the same thoughts but I always fear what if I cheated or what if he’s not the one etc etc. my relationship ocd has improved over the years as I realized that it’s ocd and it’s ocd ocd ocd ocd. That helps. Ocd has attacked me wanting to have a baby too, That one I still struggle with.
Mine attacks my relationship with those thoughts and my self with HOCD. My therapist to told me to sit down and write out what would happen if I were gay. And it all came down to losing my husband. His parents are divorced and mine are not. It’s been my biggest fear that I will lose him in some kind of way. HOCD & ROCD honestly will knock me down to the point of sickness but I know I can fight it. I just have to act like I know nothing and that’s okay!
I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions
Okay it seems I have a new theme, if this even is a theme? I love my husband very much and I know I am not into the same gender. I have no desire to be with the same gender & I never did. But lately I’ve been getting so inside my head because I have compulsive staring and sexual intrusive thoughts which started postpartum towards my baby then quickly snowballed. I then started having sexual intrusive thoughts towards other females and males. It makes me feel weird and perverted. Where I worry is if same sex thoughts/images pop in while being intimate with my husband or during self pleasure because this has happened before. Also, I am freaking out thinking that if I think another female is pretty it means I’m attracted to her? I mean I am sure we all have thoughts like that when we look at other women right? “Oh she’s pretty.” “Oh she has nice hair.” “Oh she is really in shape and has a nice body.” Or are these thoughts weird? I can’t stop overthinking this. It’s like this started as sexual intrusive thoughts postpartum, then POCD, then sexual intrusive thoughts towards others, to me feeling like a weirdo and perverted, and now I can’t stop obsessing. I need to emphasize here that I would never hurt a child. I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable with my compulsive staring. I am very much in love with my husband and never have I ever thought of being with the same gender. It’s not something I desire. I love my husband, I love my family. I care deeply about being a good mom, a good wife & an overall good person.
At this point, I don’t even know if it’s HOCD or really me and I’m just using OCD as a gateway. I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I was trying to do exposure by watching videos of women coming out to their husbands and instead of sitting with the anxiety, I just dug into the rabbit hole that is TikTok and looked into more videos. Then, I went into YouTube and saw different videos (again instead of choosing one because I couldn’t decide which video to do the exposure on - because I wanted to make sure whatever video I chose it would be the one that would work on ERP but it backfired). Anyways I am confused I don’t know what to do…I think I’m bisexual, however my OCD still likes to play onto that and say that I’m using it as a gateway from being a lesbian or that I’m supposed to be with a woman or that I’m not going to succeed in my marriage because I haven’t been with a woman. A little backstory, my mother has paranoid schizophrenia ( she got it from the military and it is the reason why she got discharged). Anywho, she would see and hear things that were not there (hallucinations). One of the many hallucinations would be “hearing revelations from God” My mom always thought to have this gift from God where she would say that He would tell her what would happen in the future or would tell her things about people. Anyways she used to always tell me God told her I was gay and whenever I had a crush on a boy she would say I was faking it. It went as far as her keeping my sister away from me because she said God told her I would do things to her. So my sister and I could barely see each other and Lord forbid my sister and I were alone together! If she looked away for a split second and saw my sister was next to me, she would hit me because God told her I did something I wasn’t supposed to. Even though I knew I didn’t hurt my sister, due to this trauma, I have grown with a lot of self trust issues - not counting the other traumas I went through at the hands of my mom (spiritual, physical, emotional)….and I was se*ually abused as a child by other people so it’s hard for me to be intimate…but OCD likes to use it as if it was a woman I would have no issue being intimate etc. I have a lot of spiritual trauma too as my mon usually said she had a vision that I was dead or that God told her my days were being counted because I was a bad person.
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