Knowing ocd is chronic is heart wrenching. It’s like a domino effect, ocd will affect my grades negatively, leading to me not getting into a good college, which could lead to me not being able to live out my dream of playing in the MLB. How could god do this to me. I’m sick of suffering

At 8, I was already exhibiting symptoms of OCD. I was counting, checking, and focused on symmetry. At 11, I had experienced sexual and physical abuse of various forms. At 18, I had my first intrusive thoughts about harming someone. I dropped out of high school. At 19, my mother kicked me out of the house. I left with a few garbage bags of clothes. I slept in my truck and showered at the gym before my grandmother had me move into her home. At 21, I got my GED and started at a local college. I dropped out a year later. That same year, I was hospitalized with OCD for the first time. At 22, I got in my car with $300 and no job. I went north out of my small town because I knew I wanted to experience a different life than living and dying in the mountains of Kentucky. I had no plan and had failed at everything I’d ever tried. At 23, I had my first daughter. I was in no financial or mental state to care for a child. But somehow I figured it out, it didn’t hurt that she was the sweetest human I’d ever met. At 25, I had a second breakdown. I had a panic attack caused by having an intrusive thought about harming my daughter. I lived in a crummy apartment on a less than great side of Columbus, Ohio. My apartment was burglarized when I was gone with my daughter at the library. I was hospitalized a second time voluntarily. I was utterly convinced I was an imminent threat of harming myself or someone else. At 26, I started college again. I dropped out again a year and a half later. At 27, I was a stay-at-home dad. I didn’t know where I was going or what I wanted to do in life. I was a chronic underachiever. At 28, I started at an entry level job at a local contractor. I had decided I was going to finally put my full effort into something. Three years later, my career had taken off and I was able to provide for my family. The money I had was like winning the lottery. I bought a home. I traveled to Europe and other places. At 30, my second daughter was born. This time I knew I could do it. At 31, my marriage failed. At 32, I started all over again in a new house. I had a mattress that I slept on the floor and one couch. The only poessions I kept were my books and guitars. I was rebuilding my life. At 33, I started ERP treatment for the first time. I became an advocate. At 34, I have a home again. My career is more successful than ever. I finally learned how to manage my disorder. I have a wonderful partner. I have a home. I have more hands than I can count on two hands. I am loved and can give love to others. I’ve worked through my trauma and pain and have found that helping others is incredibly rewarding. Every single thing I hoped to achieve by this age I have done. What is before me is the possibility of anything. What will I do? Where will I go? I’m not sure. I just know that I will figure it out. In all those years, through all that suffering and failure, I too wondered if I’d ever have the life I wanted to live. I believed I was broken, and doomed to suffer. You know what I learned? Our brains are a story factory. It makes up scenarios and contingencies and outcomes and it simulates those over and over again. That planning mechanism in your brain wants to avoid pain and increase your well-being. Some of what it gives you is helpful? But a lot of the time, like in all those quiet moments of anguish I had for two decades, it was all just bullshit my brain made up. You’re not doomed. You’re not even abnormal. You’re a human being. With that territory comes some suffering and some trials. This is your trial. How will you bear it? Will you let it bully you? Or will you have the audacity to command the life you want? Your brain has a story right now, and it’s fiction. Write something else.

Our mindset plays a big role in OCD recovery. OCD is chronic yes but with treatment it can go into remission. Is there possibilities that I’ll appear when stressful times come? Absolutely. But once you learn the tools to combat it it becomes easier to handle. We have to stay positive even in the face of OCD. Mine started randomly it seems last year and I’ve been frustrated many times over why this happened. I’m religious as well so of course i have prayed many times of this and wondered why I’m not being completely healed of it. But i know God didn’t give this to me. Things just happen, we live in a world where the enemy roams as well. Plus it’s not just us suffering with what we have. Almost everyone else has something they are confused and frustrated from suffering from something. My best friend for example developed Crohn’s disease when he was healthy and fine. Now he’s always in and out of doctor’s offices, occasional hospital stays, and constantly being threatened by doctors to get a colostomy bag. I don’t doubt he’s frustrated and upset as well that his life turned out this way, but it did and now he has to make the best of it. We have to do the same. We see that this is what we have, we know it’s chronic, so how can we improve? We know that ERP is the golden standard for OCD treatment, so we partake in therapy that involves it, we take medication if we need it, we change how we think and take care of ourselves, we are softer to ourselves and have to learn self-forgiveness and self-acceptance, practice mindfulness, self-care, etc. it is possible to live a fulfilling and happy life while having OCD is we manage it accordingly. If we already assume that OCD will ruin everything, then we allow the door to be open for that to happen. If we change our mindset to “you know what, yes I have OCD but I’m gonna get the help I need and get better and not let it hurt my life” then we give ourselves the confidence and motivation to improve and get to better levels. I know it’s super hard. I know it’s unfair. But we have to keep our head up and stay positive in order to improve from this illness.

i’m feeling the same way, it’s a shame that mental healthcare is treated so poorly and it’s left on us :(