Feeling pretty bad right now, had a thought what if I drive purposefully in to oncoming traffic. And then it was like I was almost telling myself to do it! I hate this so much I hate me! I can’t see me getting past this. I’m sorry this post is scary, it terrifies me. I keep trying to tell myself you don’t want to hurt someone or yourself! But when I say that to myself I can’t even trust myself I feel like I doubt myself. I question do these thoughts scare me? Are they unwanted? I’m suffering so much please help. I’m trying to keep it together, I really am. Holding back tears on the daily.

My Harm OCD is out of control. I’m trying so hard to keep living my life, but it’s scaring me even more. It’s starting to feel more real. It’s feeling like I’m right on the edge of acting on my thoughts and that I actually want to do it. It feels like this is never going to go away and I’m now this person who is going to harm someone. I’m at work because I’m supposed to keep living my life and not do compulsions. But not doing them is terrifying me. I feel like a complete monster and I don’t know what to do.

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

Cw- SI, S/H references I try so hard just to let the thoughts be there and not bother me but they just keep coming back over and over, I don’t trust myself anymore I feel like an evil person and I just want to kill myself I’m so scared that I’m actually what my thoughts say I am, if I am then I will have to kill myself, it feels like a stain on my soul It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering mutilating parts of my body just so I can’t feel anything in those parts or ever use them again I can’t find any relief anywhere, I haven’t felt sure of myself in months, people always tell me it’s okay that I have these thoughts because I don’t want to act on them but my brain keeps saying I do and I would rather kill myself And I’m just so sick of the people saying to accept the uncertainty, I don’t want to have to carry this for the rest of my life I wish I could have literally any other subtype, which I know is selfish of me because everyone else here is suffering too but the stigma and the shame around this one actually sucks the joy out of everything I do