I’m genuinely starting to wonder if I have ocd at all . It seems like I have such intense desire for the things I don’t want and no desire for men at all. Men don’t turn me on and I haven’t enjoyed being with them for a very long time. I’m genuinely starting to wonder if this whole time I’ve just been suppressing my genuine sexuality and pretending it’s ocd.

I really think this isn’t OCD. I haven’t gotten into relationships because I found them stressful, even though I wanted them, it’s always been easier for me to make close connections with female friends, whom I love a lot, and I’m very comfortable with them. I was extremely jealous at how they were able to talk to guys so easily whereas I always had an anxiety attack over it, or felt like I was forcing myself to be attracted to random people. I didn’t want to get married and found the thought of living alone, maybe with friends, a lot more enjoyable. I can’t imagine myself in a long term relationship with men at all. I had crushes on guys. I wasn’t boy crazy but I did notice them all the time. I had butterflies around 1 girl I thought was cool in middle school, and have admired women for being pretty, but I’ve never wanted to date them, and I never thought about them after. There was one girl in high school that I thought was super smart and I wanted to be her friend but I got this thought of ‘omg what if I have a crush on her?’ in high school and for a while I thought I did but I was honestly uncomfortable at the thought. I never thought I was a lesbian, for a while I thought I was bi, but I never wanted a relationship with women, and honestly I’ve doubted how attracted to them I was, because I just didn’t feel comfortable at the thought of doing anything with them. I could admire them but that’s about it. The thought made me uncomfortable. I’ve never fantasized about relationships with women, always about men. I’ve never even watched lesbian porn. What if I’m just a lesbian and I can’t admit it??

Please someone help me. I feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t have ocd. It’s too real. The intrusive thoughts aren’t as frequent, I don’t have anxiety or do compulsions. I’m not even against the thoughts anymore. I can’t explain how real it feels. It can’t be ocd and the thing is I just don’t want to like girls. That’s it. I just don’t want to. But that sounds like I’m resisting my sexuality and it feels like this too. I’m sorry to everyone on this app but I don’t think I’m like u anymore. If things like internalised homophobia and comphet didn’t exist then I’d know I was straight but they do so now I think I’m just that. I don’t want to marry a girl or have sex with one or anything. I want to be straight and just fucking live my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I haven’t had a crush on a boy for years even though my ‘ocd’ started in the summer. I’ve had loads of male celebrity crushes that I’ve felt like I’ve loved and I don’t understand how those could’ve been fake but they must have been. Compulsions don’t comfort me I just watch tv to distract myself and that’s it. I can’t do this shit anymore. I don’t want to like girls but I have to be either bi or lesbian. Please I just want to be straight I don’t get it.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?