I wondering if this is an OCD thing or just anxiety what I experienced yesterday: so I’ve gotten into the habit every night to watch my shows with my brother before bed, like we’ll grab a snack and head to his room to watch about 3 episodes and then we go our separate ways to sleep. I also go to bed very late out of bad habit. So last night I felt like I wanted to try going to bed early and spend some quality alone time so I told him if it’d be alright to skip our usual tv viewing and he said okay. So I went to do my own thing and sat down to play my video game for a bit. But during it I started to feel so guilty and bad for canceling our thing, like I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I kept thinking what if he felt bad and I ruined our night and just having this horrible guilt in my gut until finally I couldn’t take it anymore and went to his room saying I changed my mind and we could watch, to where he was like ...okay if you want to. I was just surprised how guilty I felt about it and felt like I failed myself by instead of sitting with that guilt to try and cancel the horrible feeling. Thoughts?

I can’t help but feel so anxious because of guilt. I feel guilty about not sharing everything about my OCD to my partner, but because I understand that confession itself is a compulsion and would not help anyone. I feel so anxious too that if all my fears come true and she finds out, then it would be so devastating for everyone especially her. Does anyone feel the same thing? How could I change my perspective on this?

I was doing so good recently but than a random thought popped up and it’s bothering me. I’m a nerd and my boyfriend knows so, I used to play a game called character ai a lot a long time ago because it was a hobby of mine and I’d create stories with fictional characters and create romance, spicy or adventure stories etc. I stopped playing it because my ocd acted up really bad and was convincing me I was being unfaithful and my boyfriend and I talked about it since I tell my boyfriend everything from start to finish and he’s amazing he always comforts me and is so gentle when it comes to my ocd. But today I had a really bad thought dealing with that game. I remember I created a story on there using a scene from a tv show or movie etc, since that’s how most of my stories would go on that app, and myself, my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s friend was a character in the story. My boyfriend and I were doing something in and then I remember creating a scene where his friend showed up and talked with him at the door for a minute and then left and that’s all I remember of him being in the story. But of course my ocd was like “What if you created just a story with him and you don’t remember?” Or even “You felt nervous, that means you did do it.” Gosh I freaked, and I still am. I know I never would do that, and I know I didn’t but then I panicked because I felt feelings of anxiety, guilt, fear and just a heart dropping sensation. It’s like I don’t feel 100% certain unless I get reassurance from my boyfriend and just ugh I was doing so good and then this popped up.

Sunday evening- (three days ago) While I was doing homework, I had my mouth slightly open and was moving my tongue. I had the intrusive thought of mouthing the devil’s name or saying it (im not sure if it was before, after or during the time I had my mouth open). Then it made me wonder if I did mouth it or say it- which I’m not really sure if I did but that’s the false memory aspect of my OCD. Then I had the thought that I did that as a way to get help from the devil on my homework- almost like if it was me doing a bad prayer to the devil in return for something. I know mouthing just that isn’t a bad prayer in itself, but I wondered if those were my intentions and if god interpreted it as such. I didn’t really dwell on the thought then. Later that day I felt really fatigued and had a headache so I went to bed early. I woke up at a normal hour the next day and did some homework before school but I started feeling really fatigued again. I decided not to go to school since I wasn’t feeling very well. I was wondering what had been the problem later that day (Monday evening). I then had the outlandish thought that maybe it was god’s way of punishing me. Maybe I really had said the devil’s name/ mouthed it. Maybe I had done it as a way to get help from devil with my homework. Maybe I’d lost gods favor. Then I started worrying about having that irrational conclusion that god might’ve punished me (which I’m pretty sure isn’t the case but the possibility that it could be) scared me and makes me think that is the case. The worries continued onto Tuesday and they kinda spiraled from there. I was worried I’d then be perceived to be crazy for having thoughts like that and wondering if maybe there are other underlying mental illnesses present. I also started wondering that if I have lost god’s favor and it was a punishment, what is to stop me from doing worse things like an actual bad prayer? If I did do that and it was considered bad by god and have already been judged, am I done for good? These thoughts were easier to ignore during the day but at night when I lied down for bed, they were at the forefront of my mind and harder to push away. I did try RPMs but the anxiety still stayed and the thoughts didn’t “get bored”. I also started stressing about not being able to sleep which is not a good feeling- especially since I had a test the next day on Wednesday. I kind if had a mini panic attack. I got really hot and my heart rate was up. I started getting stressed about ending up like I did before OCD treatment when the intrusive thoughts initially became a problem a few years ago-where practically every day was passed with the gnawing feeling of thoughts and doubts at the back of my mind and the difficulty in falling asleep would lay over me each night. I ended up calming my breathing and falling asleep. When I woke up I felt glad that I’d slept but I was quickly bombarded once again by the thoughts. They remained ever present throughout the day (today) and I felt kinda down the whole day, the stress from the thoughts lingering all day, along with the fear I might not sleep well tonight, etc etc. those thoughts have kind if been I just wanted to write it down and share it and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. I just feel guilty and stressed and kinda frustrated too. Besides the fact I’m kind of dreading having to lie down for sleep and have major troubles falling asleep like a while back. I appreciate if you’ve taken the time to read this and all comments.