TW Suicidal thoughts I don't think I can do this anymore. These thoughts and false feelings, false attraction are getting the best of me. I feel so sick and guilty. I don't want to go any longer. I have no way of getting help. I can't afford it. My parents don't understand me and won't help. I just don't know if I can take it anymore. I feel like I deserve to die. I've never been diagnosed so I don't know what's real and what isn't. I just want to be normal

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

I want to get thought this weird horrible period, it has been horrible. I am doubting everything. I’m not diagnosed but when I look at my past I’ve always been horribly anxious and worrying about health, death and basically everything while suffering from major a lot of insecurities stemming from bullying and lately a lack of intimacy with my partner, Every time I think I’m on the way out, or see some light at the end of the tunnel my mind always pulls me back in. It’s torture. I’ve always been insecure about how I look and I find myself comparing myself at other males and it’s made my self esteem on the floor. I have a girlfriend and prior to this we had a future planned and talked about kids (we’re still young, but it felt so real), this all began to bubble when we stopped being intimate and the loss of my job. I don’t know anymore how to move on, every day feels like a chore. The intrusive thoughts telling me I’m in denial, constantly thinking about men I’ve felt insecure about their looks compared to mine wishing I looked like them plaguing my mind. The false attractions, prior to this i was comfortable in acknowledging good looking men. However now my mind takes this as evidence, every single thing in my past seems like some form of evidence. Not having male friends, the comparisons, being questioned about my sexuality from siblings. I’m sorry if this is reassurance, I am just needing to get some things of my chest. Every time I think about my first real attraction or girls I found pretty/attractive or I liked my mind is like your in denial and then I feel horrible about thinking those thoughts as I have my girlfriend. I miss just being with my girlfriend and not having these thoughts and feeling horrible. I feel like a fraud and a horrible partner. I’ve tried to accept maybe, maybe not, but something always comes back. These 4 months have been terrible. I want to sleep without horrible dreams, I want to eat. I want to feel like myself again. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Hope you’re strong too.

I was scrolling on insta and I saw a post of a kid, I felt a sense of attraction, idk if it was false or not. I hope it was, I got worried and the kid kept popping up in my head, I kept trying to stop it because I can’t stand not doing anything and feeling attracted, I don’t wanna be attracted to kids, im fucking tired of having to deal with all of this every day. I can’t tell if it is real or false attraction, all of this is so annoying, I can’t even listen to music properly without feelings of attraction showing up. I’m not able to tell if it’s false attraction or not anymore at all, it feels way to real to know, I keep hoping that it’s all false, and I hope that I have pocd not actual pedophilia because I was never disgnosed, I was also exposed to porn at a young age, and I’m worried it causes pedophilia. Please help me with these attraction feelings I can’t tell if they’re real or not anymore. I can’t even tell if I’m distressed, panicked, disgusted, or shamed. I don’t feel any of those feelings anymore, idk why, idk how to deal with this stuff anymore, I don’t even know if I have ocd or not, I’ve only ever gotten one short diagnoses that said I have ocd but I lied on 2 questions about feeling arousal which I do, idk why, and the other about liking the thoughts, which I said I didn’t, but in reality I don’t know if I do or not. Also only certain kids trigger the attraction feeling, it makes me worried I’m a pedo because it’s only certain kids that cause it, kind of like a “type” (edited)