TW Suicidal thoughts I don't think I can do this anymore. These thoughts and false feelings, false attraction are getting the best of me. I feel so sick and guilty. I don't want to go any longer. I have no way of getting help. I can't afford it. My parents don't understand me and won't help. I just don't know if I can take it anymore. I feel like I deserve to die. I've never been diagnosed so I don't know what's real and what isn't. I just want to be normal

I can't do this anymore I feel fucking insane my mind keeps telling me I want to k word people and if feels like my mind is making fucking plans. I'm diagnosed with ocd but I don't even know if it's ocd what if I'm just a terrible fucking person that actually wants to do this. My mind is literally telling me to go buy a weapon and hurt people like I get fucking urges. I can't keep food down and have not for the last few days I feel like I need to go to a mental hospital but I don't want to burden anyone in my family. Like my mind tells me specifically I want to do this but I don't want to but recently ive been having the thought of what if I did do it but I don't want to. I just want it to stop I'm a good person I don't want to hurt anyone at all. But what if one day I actually do want to do something. I can't do this anymore.

This is extremely hard for me to say I have danced around it in previous posts but I simply cant hold it in anymore. The guilt that I feel for thinking these thoughts is immesurable and is driving me to want to hurt myself. I'm gonna start from the very beginning it all started when I was put on Fluvoxamine back then I had the bad habit of looking every medication that I was on up and with that I found out that a student with another student had brought a weapon to school and hurt many people with it. (I can't even write the word but I'm sure you know what the thing was) The intrusive thoughts didn't start then for some reason but later when at my school we had a threat of someone who was wanting to do the same thing. But then one morning I got the thought of what if I do that. And then it got worse I would get the thought every day. And then summer came by and I thought I would be fine but it came back when I went to school again this year it got so bad that I had to drop out of school. But for some reason I am still getting the intrusive thoughts and they are even more horrible now with images of me doing it, I get horrible urges, and my mind tells me that I want to do something this terrible. I want people to understand when I say this I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone and never have. I have 0 history of violence to anyone and have been in several situations like that where there was a threat and have felt the fear that comes along with that. I don't understand why these thoughts are there. I feel like I need to put myself into a mental hospital. I never want to hurt anyone and never will.

I feel so bad right now, I feel like I’m back being in a dark place, I feel so convinced that I am attracted to these things like I genuinely feel like I am, and that it makes me agree with it, because it feels so strong… I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m getting in a dark place, I tried to see if my therapist was available and she hasn’t been available since September 17th, before my breakup, before my OCD got even worse. I feel like shit right now and I don’t know why to do anymore, I just want the pain to end so bad… I just don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m not trying to imply anything bad, but like genuinely give up. I just can’t handle any sort of photo of a kid anymore.