I did something a long time ago that I didn't realize was so bad at the time until a long time later, one night I was about to go to sleep and I remembered doing that thing. It was something I did willingly but it didn't cross my mind at the time at all that what i was doing was so wrong and I didn't know it was that bad if that makes sense. I feel so terrible the guilt is eating me up. I don't know what to do. I would never ever make that same choice or mistake again but its really upsetting me... I'm a Christian and I try to pray about it I even talked to my parents about it they told me to let it go but why is it so hard to?

When is a mistake too big to forgive. I looked at content that I really shouldn’t have (🌽)but I didn’t understand it was wrong at that time and with no parents supervision online . It happened in my teen like 14/15 and I’m so guilty. What makes it worse is that a small artist did something really similar and got cancelled and called disgusting . It is disgusting but I truly didn’t know how disgusting it is and if did I would’ve never done it . And it was worth cancelling her . But I did too so .

This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.

I’ve posted something vulnerable here before and I’m trying to ride out the wave of reassurance where it’s getting at me and I’m scared of sitting still with nobody to talk to about this at the moment I genuinely think it would be easier if I wasn’t around. I view my friends as pure compared to me and I’m the most impurest. I feel like this would do a favour to stop being here I don’t know what to do, I really don’t know. I’m literally alone in this and I’m getting tired. How do you deal with stupid choices that you made as a child? I’m trying to be understanding of past mistakes but it’s gut wrenching to try and accept to say and admit you did it knowing you’ll spend the rest of your life with that guilt..is there another perspective to this..???