Seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on the 30th and now that it's getting closer to the day the more nervous I am. I 100% want help. I need help. I feel like my mind has pulled me back from so much in my life whether it's being around my family, friends and just getting the motivation to do anything I love to do because I feel like I don't deserve love or happiness. My parents know everything that's going on with me thanks to the constant reassurance I need to get by which now turned into regret because I hate that I brought them into this when they don't even believe I could possibly have OCD. I would much rather it be all in my head rather than mean something about me or be real. I don't want it to be real. I'm afraid all the time of my thoughts and feelings I feel like I'm going to take it out on myself because I really do hate myself so much. And it's funny because if it was anyone else in the world I would do whatever it took for them to know how much they matter and that it's not their fault but I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. That I did this to myself. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time I just want my life back. I want to be properly diagnosed but I'm probably going to hold back some details until I know for sure the psychiatrist is understanding of ocd and the symptoms of every version of it. My heart goes out to any struggling this time of year or even this year at all. Let's go into 2021 with much positivity and love. Let's get through this together 🙏🏻

Just venting...sharing my experince. Very afraid, but going on meds and seeking treatment from NOCD. Triggers: False Memory OCD about Cheating and POCD I have struggled with what I assume to be False Memory OCD for about 10 years now... I'm a 33 y/o female. I've gone to a couple of therapists, one a specialist who was the first to ever recognize the sub-type of OCD I was likely dealing with. My flare ups happen when I'm in a relationship, and I will have this sudden thought/fear that I was sexually inappropriate with someone (perhaps someone I was working with, had been around). Eventually a scenario will pop into my head, or I'll *create* a scenario, and mentally check/compulse for HOURS and MONTHS to see if these things really happened. I'll go back and forth thinking these things happened and didn't happen. They end up feeling very real, and I can never decipher 'deep down' if they truly happened or not. It's just this cycle of "Review, Review, Review, eh maybe this didn't happen, Review, Review, Oh GOD I think this happened....did this really happen? Do I really think this happened? Oh god I did...I need to figure this out some more..." I've had many scenarios in the past where I've eventally gone to the person I thought I may have done something innapropriate with, and they reassured me it was all in my head. And then at one point I had one where I mostly convinved myself I sexually abused my boyfriends child....I became suicidal. Fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship of about 8 months with EASILY the love of my life... In the past 4 months I've had two instances where I had thoughts/fears 'latch' on: 1) I became convinced I was sexually innapropriate with a friend and 2) months later another where I got it in my head I slept with my boyfriend's best friend when he visited us for a night. In particular with that last one, at the end I became pretty damn convinced I snuck up into the loft and slept with him. I get these thoughts and scenarios in my head, then mentally review and imagine those scenarios to see if they happend. Particularly with the second one, I become pretty damn convinved I did it....a certain image will really 'stick' and it's like omg shit...I think that happened! But I eventually checked with both people, who both reassured me I had done NOTHING by any stretch of the imagination. Just as I was starting to accept maybe this was all just my OCD, I had a fear/thought latch on that I was sexually innapropriate with my boyfriend's 3 year old nephew the last time the three of us went out and I was alone with him...about a few months ago in the spring. Initially I was like oh shit...not THIS scary stuff again...I'm just going to ignore it. I've seen him multiple times since then, even this last weekend...SURELY if I had done this stuff it would have been in my conscious before and I would KNOW." Well, now I have a scenario in my head that I kinda think happened...it feels like it did when I imagine it and do those mental reviewing/compulsions. And I'm torn up over it...it makes me want to throw up and just...die. It's horrifing. I spend all my time memory reviewing...." Did I do this? Lets imagine it and see...oh my god I think I did this! Did I really?? No, this has JUST got to be your OCD bullshit....but then why am I thinking this happened when I imagine it?! I would KNOW if I had done this...do I know? Am I just not admitting it to myself because I am scared?" And the cycle of fear continues. I don't even have a deep gut belief that it DIDN'T happen....just like, "I would HATE myself if I had done this. I don't want this to be true, it's HORRIFIC!" So I just spend my time in complete fear and depression, and then I'll get pissed and be like "NO. It's your OCD. It pretty much fits your patterns, so if it walks and quacks like an OCD duck...it's OCD! And you KNOW you cannot trust your mind to 'figure out' if you truly did these things or not." Which gives me peace b/c then I don't have to believe my thoughts when I think these things happened....but then I feel like I'm just in denial and using that as an excuse to not have to deal with the ramifications of having done this shit. And around we go. If I look at my patterns of OCD over the past 10 years, it certainly fits my pattern...but this last one with the child I pretty automatically got into the headspace of "omg I think I did this!" when I imagine the scenario and mentally review. And it's just like....WTF, I would never want to do this! The first time I thought I hurt a kid it mortified me and I wanted to die! And here it is again and I'm terrified and wouldn't want to live b/c I'm a terrible person. Yesterday I decided to call my doctor and have been put on Clomipramine....I've always gone unmedicated b/c I'm afraid of anti-depressent side effects. I'm also going to get help from a NOCD therapist. I've told my boyfriend all of these things and he is SUPER supportive and loving, for which I'm grateful. I'm just really scared. He told me IF something did happen with his nephew, we would get me help b/c obviously I'm not that type of person and I self- shame and self-flagellate way more than anyone who ACTUALLY does these things would. I just...would be devastated if I did this disgusting thing to a child. I'm just so afraid I'm thinking it happened b/c it did happen....but then another part of my brain is like you KNOW this shit pretty much follows your OCD patterns and latched onto you like OCD does. It's OCD brain, and you CANNOT trust your thoughts. So take the leap of faith it is OCD... I'm just also afraid that it's real....if it is, there is no way my boyfriend should be with me. He wants to eventually get married and I couldn't do that to him....to his nephew...to their family...I would hate myself for forever and just live my life in solitude b/c I'm no good for this world or for anybody, and ruined my relationship with the love of my life. Not sure why I'm posting this ....I guess hearing other people's struggles makes me feel less alone. It's isolating in my own head.

This is the first post I’ve made here, as I have just recently been told I have OCD. I started therapy when I was 15 for an eating disorder, and have been pretty much consistently going for the past 5 years. It is incredibly scary to me that it has gone undiagnosed this long, and it took a few horrible spiraling episodes and me admitting I had a fear of smelling bad for a therapist to tell me it might be OCD. I’m primarily concerned about having another undiagnosed mental illness, that I have done unforgivable damage to other people’s mental health, and the general fear of losing my sanity. If someone could share the benefits of accepting the OCD diagnosis and starting ERP even if it is petrifying, I would greatly appreciate that. Warm wishes and peace to all of you struggling right now:)

I’m 28 years old and I’ve been battling with OCD since I was around 8 years old. However, I didn’t realize it was OCD until a few years ago. I’ve dealt with multiple themes of OCD that are on constant rotation. Currently, I’m struggling with real event OCD, and moral scrupulously OCD. It has made this past week extremely distressing. My husband is aware of all of my thoughts and feelings, however, that’s due to my need to “confess” virtually everything in my life. He is never stressed about the content of what I’m worrying about, but unfortunately, that serves as temporary reassurance for me, and the cycle continues. This week has been one of my HARDEST. I have been stuck in a loop over the same obsession, with barely any relief. I’m self employed, and usually the winter months are slow, so I currently have no distractions to get out of my head. I can barely eat, and I go through multiple waves of panic attacks a day. I’m starting to lose hope that I can figure this out alone. I’ve never seen professional help for my OCD, and to be honest, it terrifies me to have to explain my thoughts and feelings to a stranger. What if I never get better? I guess I’m just looking for guidance, advice, etc. I’m feeling so lost and scared.