I think this is my religion/existential OCD? I think I’m having an identity crisis because I feel like I know who I am. What I mean is that I place my identity in my values, and my passions. But I feel so incredibly guilty about that. Because everyone says to live through Christ. I’m having lots of doubts. Maybe I’ve made everything up. If I want to be a real Christian then I need to place my identity in only Christ, and to me I suppose that means to make religion the most important part of life. If I’m honest, I don’t think I can put God first. My passions and purpose seem to go before Him, even though I know that’s wrong. Or is it. I don’t know. I’m having an existential crisis at 17 because I’ve been through the ringer. I’m just so confused. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put my worth in Christ. And I feel like an awful person for that.

Sometimes I have thoughts that I would normally assume to be ocd, not sound like ocd. I start to think/feel that it's God telling me to do these things?? I then end up feeling guilty for not immediately implementing these things into my life. I hate that so much of what used to feel like ocd seems unclear. I don't feel like a good person. I know a lot of sermons aren't made with ocd in mind, but I feel like I'm not listening to God if I don't listen to thoughts I would've thought were ocd before

I mainly struggle with real event and scrupulosity OCD. The things I've boiled it down to that I can't answer are these: - Not knowing what I deserve: this one comes from the infinite philosophies and methods of thinking people have, each different from one another. I know some people out there, even if not as much, will disaprove. Do I deserve to enjoy anything anymore? What pleasure do I still deserve out of life? What standards do I go by? The law? Atheists? Christians? Spiritualists? - Not knowing if I'm a "good person" - Is this guilt excessive or valid? - Is there any other amends I could make? - Did I know better? Was I disadvantaged and didn't really know better because of my age and/or mental illness/Asperger's? - Do I need to confess more? - What if someone brings up the event again later? What will happen? - What if my therapists so far were just extra nice? - What about that one person who said something really negative when you confessed that one time? My torment never ends. I don't want to die, because I have dreams, but I also don't want to live, because I have to deal with this every single day.

Why is OCD so confusing? My obsessions upset me so much because the truth about them is quite concerning and depressing to me. So how is treating OCD going to help me when it feels like a REAL problem to me. What if I am never able to accept the uncertainty of my issues. It doesn’t even feel like an OCD problem to me…it feels like a reality problem. I’m not happy with reality and the truths about existence, so of course it’s going to make me sad. I guess it’s just my own mind though. My concerns and thoughts are REAL. If I could go back to not thinking about these certain things, my whole perception on life, myself, reality as a whole would be fine. I feel like people tell me it’s OCD but I don’t agree..yet I don’t actually know what the real problem is. What if I can’t accept reality? It’s such a terrifying feeling to have. I feel so crazy.