my infuriated thoughts are getting much intenser. my therapist told me not to reassurance but i can’t help this. i want to believe these are not my actual thoughts and i still have myself, but i don’t know anymore. i’m getting too used to have these thoughts and i’m scared. am i really like this? is this ocd? i wish i could just reset all the memories that i have and restart everything.

I am tired of talking with chat gbt for reasurance or to calm myself, im tired of searching reddit posts on r/rocd so i can read the comments to get an answer on how to get better, to post here 10 times a day so someone can say something that will calm me, all this things used to get me better a little, but now they dont and in still doing them, but in tired, i want this to stop, my thoughts are so persistent and it comes with bad negative feelings about my relationship, my boyfriend, i have so much fear in me its insane, i feel like i have changed and all the thoughts that once i knew they were fake they feel now that they are the reality that i dont accept. It breaks my heart to read stuff from people that say “when i am with him my thoughts goes away “ because mine doesn’t. I feel iritated, angry, disgusted for no reason at all, I see people saying that i care about my relationship and my boyfriend because i dont like these thoughts but, my therapist said to me “you can care about people and dont like them” or something like that, also when i told her “when these thoughts started i knew they were fake and i always said they are not real i dont want them” and she said something like “you can tell is snowing outside but its not true because its warm and sunny” My thoughts feel so real, i feel like im not like the others with rocd. Also this thing about choosing love and choosing your partner is bringing me into a spiarl because what if i dont want my partner? what if i only want to feel better and not to love him? What if all this time i though i felt live was just me pretending to feel love because i put high expectations on this relationship? what if i dont love him for who he is? what if i never loved him? i have a long list of what ifs. I cant go to therapy anymore due to more factors and also it was not beneficial for me at all. i just want peace. Im scared if getting better bc im scared that i will realise my thoughts are true. what if im i. denial? my thoughts scream at me affrirmations like “i dont love him” also being intimate is so hard. can somebody tell me some advice?

Why is it actually so hard to not do compulsions ive literally not done it for a few hours but then I kept having more and more intrusive thoughts feelings sensations all that stuff that just make it so real where you start feeling like do I like this and why are the thoughts so specific and you can’t stop ur mind from doing what it’s doing, so I gave into compulsions I’m mad at myself I was doing so well but I’m just so scared of what these thoughts/sensations mean about me because when it actually feels like real like yeah that feeling feels like the truth about how I feel about this thought or this thought must be something I actually like,HOW ON EARTH AM I NOT GONNA WANAN DO A COMPULSION AND THEN WHEN I START I CANT STOP MY MIND IS RACING TRYAN DO ALL THE COMPULSIONS. Then my brain slows down and I’m like hey but u still haven’t figured out this part of the thought that could be real,by this time I don’t even really remember. I’m trying my best I really really am what am I doing wrong I need help Also my therapist has been away she’s back this week

I joined a worship fellowship group with friends at my community college it’s not a extracurricular thing but it’s someone just putting a thing together. but i can’t tell if this is my ocd. but i’m having thoughts of “what if i’m not believing God anymore?” or “what if this isn’t my ocd” or “what if i’m lying to myself and i don’t trust God and this is real” “what if this is real and i don’t wanna be close to God anymore” it’s like triggering because i’m a new christian and still learning about a lot of stuff since i just joined a group because i’m trying to get into more of Gods word. but i get scared of opening because i sin and i tend to be so hard on myself or if i see others like be christian and cuss and i’m like all suprised but idk i think im afraid of opening up in this type of stuff around christian’s that know a lot as i’m still learning… and sometimes i think my ocd will be like “ugh we have to talk about God all the time” and i’m like no no i want to… i’ve had ocd for a year now and my therapist has been in the hospital and i need to sit with it but it’s so hard bc i’m trying to figure if it’s real or not or if i’m lying to myself but i have a current second therapist rn and she’s teaching me about how rumination works and how to stop it. because i struggle with it ugh. i’m so scared this is real. i believe in God i do i just hate these thoughts why does it feel real