Okay so I need some help because I don’t know how I am supposed to keep going. During recovery from POCD I met my boyfriend. He wasn’t really my type but he somehow made me wanna spend more time with him. He developed feelings for me very fast but meanwhile I wasn’t developing anything. I know that I liked him and I felt happy and good with him by my side but I was constantly thinking he isn’t my type, I thought he wasn’t that attractive and didn’t feel any butterflies or fast heart beating. But we still met every weekend and I was very reserved because I didn’t have much relationship experience before and was very insecure about the whole situation. So I told my friend about my lack of feelings and she said I should still give it a try, a lot of relationships start without heavy feelings and I thought I didn’t give any boy a chance who wanted to get to know me better so why not give it a try. I knew I liked him and his attitude, his character, his believes, everything was perfect but there wasn’t any attraction or heavy feelings, not even during our first kiss. But I thought maybe I’ll develop feelings after some weeks/months. I was curious because I felt a connection and wanted to spend time with him. BUT I noticed that during the time we were dating I had eyes for other guys. I was already feeling a little bit bad like „Why do you think he’s more attractive than your guy“ and stuff like this. After a few weeks/months I noticed that I developed feelings for my guy. Not the heavy ones with butterflies and heart beating but more deeper ones I guess. I thought he was almost perfect for me. Everything about him is just like I wanted my boyfriend to be. I still couldn’t wish for a better one, really. During the time we became intimate and I noticed I care a lot about him, I developed feelings, my POCD came back far worse than before. One sentence really got me. „I don’t care about anything that you think as long as you do not use me to prove yourself that you’re not attracted to children“, he said. I began to think about that. POCD got worse and worse and I was losing it. Right now, I am so very afraid my feelings towards him aren’t enough or real. I still struggle with the attraction thing. It already was pretty hard to develop feelings but the last couple of weeks I barely felt anything towards him. I was constantly thinking about my POCD and not loving him. I don’t know what’s going on. What’s real and what isn’t. I know that the thought of breaking up with him makes me cry SO HARD. I know that I don’t want to lose him. But I feel so bad because of my lack of feelings in the beginning of the relationship, during a time I thought I was able to develop feelings towards others. I almost want to confess everything to him and make sure he’d still want to be with me. I feel so guilty. Moreover I feel like am not capable of feeling and having emotions towards anything at the moment. Like, I want to feel something when I’m with him but as soon as I feel or not feel something I compare it to POCD feelings, ask myself a lot of what if and is this right questions. I think a lot about breaking up with him because i feel like I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone better, maybe someone who truly loves him and not someone who’s constantly questioning it. I am just so afraid that it’s something I force, that it’s wrong and I am a liar. I don’t feel anything at the moment but sadness. I’m crying a lot lately and feeling desperate because I don’t want us to end but my mind keeps telling me I should leave him because it’s not real, not enough. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost ? is it possible that OCD does such things? Twisting emotions and feelings making you feel wrong and numb lowers the feelings of attraction? Now I think I’m trying to find excuses for my thoughts and feelings but I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. POCD is one thing, but the whole thing with my boyfriend is making it so much worse. It’s making me want to quit. I’m also very afraid of recovery because I am afraid that POCD is real and that I still can’t develop feelings for him or think that this doesn’t work out/is wrong. Please, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a liar, even typing these words. I feel like I don’t mean them. It’s making me hate myself and myself so much I can’t take it any longer ????

My brain keeps comparing how I felt then with the same thoughts to now and how it is diff now to prove it had changed. I’m feeling like I know it isn’t right and that maybe I’d pair better and I want to be with someone who is good for me but I also don’t want to break up and can’t tell if that’s the ocd using his faults against me. I feel like if I were to tell someone I have no feelings at all for him anymore I’d know I’d be lying and doesn’t feel right but when I say the opposite it doesn’t feel right either. I’m also worried that this time it is real and it’s the guilt of not telling him that’s making the ocd worse not that it’s just ROCD. My thoughts are also saying so many diff things I’m confused. It feels like I can’t connect to him anymore or like I don’t have empathy which scares me cause I know I did before and I felt it but is it just that I’m frustrated w some of the issues? But it’s upsetting it feels like I don’t have the endearing feelings and love I felt and I want it to come back but then I also think I don’t cause then it will prevent be from seeing what else is out there And the thing is looking back on how it was I feel like I could def see how that was ocd but this is different… and like I at least felt I knew I loved him or wanted to be with him and i had thoughts of wanting to be with someone who this or someone who this but I didn’t actually want it and now it feels like this time I rly do mean it like I want to find better qualities but I still don’t wanna move on from him and my brain is like wel that’s how everyone feels when they breakup regardless…it rly doesn’t feel like ocd anymore 😭 and my thoughts keep saying if you don’t you don’t like this or that and it most likely won’t change cause you have been with him so long why are you with him and then I feel guilty like I need to tell him

I have had ocd in my relationship for a while now. When I originally met him it was like this insane spiritual soulmate feeling and we just clicked instantly and he never judged me. I’m scared cause when I picture breaking up with my boyfriend I see myself being ok and being sad but moving on which I never was able to see before doesn’t this mean that this is what would happen or I don’t know till it happens? I still can’t imagine what life would be like without him but I just feel like I have lost feelings that I never wanted to lose. plus that’s also when I just picture knowing how people move on and how I’d just have to move on without letting myself picture processing the losses of all. I’m just really scared cause I used to think of wanting other things in someone else and what it would be like but I just thought how nice it would be to have it and not actually meaning it bc every time I thought about it I got upset and now it feels diff. He knows I have ocd but I never explained the ROCD because I thought it would have offended him so every time I went through a flare up I never told and acted like I was fine and it kept happening and OCD kept getting worse and worse. Maybe that’s part of the issue cause I haven’t been feeling like myself. But this is a feeling I never wanted to feel ever with him. I have gone through the feeling of numb but not like this. And he has a lot of positives but I can only see him overall as negatives and I’ve been told that’s ocd but it’s affecting how I feel. And yes there are legit actual things in the relationship that upset me but ocd has been affecting the way I look at him also. I keep being told my judgment is being impaired but this time it rly feels like not. And I’m Scared why don’t memories and things affect me like it used to doesn’t that mean I want this. Has anyone experienced this or is this the end 😭

Okay. This might be a little long. Basically I’m just wondering if this is really ROCD or if I officially lost feelings for my current boyfriend. BACKGROUND ABOUT ME: I assume this might help whoever reads this, and that may explain my situation. Long story short I have bad anxiety and OCD about intrusive thoughts. I figured out about my anxiety from a therapist after it started to get really bad when I was in middle school. However I figured out about my OCD this year. Before middle school I started to get anxiety from my dad. My parents divorced and he was an emotional abuser and very narcissistic. So since I was little I was always careful on what I did and said. And then another topic is that I had an ex bf who acted close to him. He was very insecure so he was controlling over me and was narcissistic and also emotionally abusive towards me. Always played the victim, etc. So he kind of traumatized me because we fought daily and just the way he treated me. My current bf is a green flag to me. We don’t fight, he is kind, understanding, funny. He checks all my boxes. Me and him were friends for about a year before we considered being together. 2 MONTHS AGO: this is when it started. It was a Sunday and me and him were going to an event at my school. It was for seniors because we were graduating the Sunday coming up. And we hung out the past 2 days and from what I remember things were like they were. Me and him were about to hit 8months the up coming Monday and I did understand that’s the time where the “honeymoon” phase becomes more.. I’ll say realistic? Anyway, we were close to leaving and something in my gut was off. Idk what it was. Idk if I was nervous for the event or something. But I just had a weird feeling. Again I have bad anxiety and OCD so I was scared about all the kids that were there. I don’t know. Anyway we left and when got to about 3 minutes away from our location my bf turns to me in the car and tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me. Then the thought “idk if I love you the same anymore” came in my head. And my gut feeling worsened. It was unnoticeable before but after he said that and I thought what I thought it got so much worse. Like it was sickening for me. I I love you back immediately but that thought.. I didn’t let it go. I couldn’t enjoy the night at all. I tried to act like everything was fine but inside I was suffering. Later that night he took me home. And I couldn’t get rid of that thought in my head. We FaceTimed a bit later like we did almost every night but I couldn’t be on the phone. Every time I looked at him I felt guilty and that thought kept coming back that I lost my love for him. So about 5-10 mins later I told him I was tired, said our goodnights and hung up. I cried. I didn’t like what I was feeling and I didn’t know what it meant. It was hard to fall asleep but once I did I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the thought about my bf. I got up to splash water in my face to cool me off because I was sweating. I got ready for school and I was crying I was confused, worried, I didn’t even know. I cried to my mom later and she didn’t know what to say or do. I cried all day at school and my gut feeling was horrible. I’ve never had it as bad as I did the first few days after this started. PRESENT(2months later): I already typed a lot so I don’t want to make entire book. But now, it’s like the gut feeling is there but tolerable. I still get the thoughts and the gut feeling does worsen a bit when my bf texts me and I see his face in photos and such. Or even think about him. My main concern is that we are supposed to go on a trip together next month and before this happened I was so excited to go with him. And now it’s like “what if I’m not better” “I don’t love him anymore to go with him.” Idk what to do. It’s like a chore for everything, when I text him, hanging out, calling him. Everything. Idk why to do. Idk if it’s because I was reck for the event or because of graduation and needed a reason for my nervousness? Idk. He didn’t do anything, he hasn’t done a single thing but be there for me. As much as I’ve been there for him. I don’t want to lose him. There is more to this story so if you want to ask go for it. I know this is hella long so. But I just want the help. Please let me know!!