I just read this post about Colin Underwood the ex Bachelor star & ex NFL player coming out as gay, and in the article it said “he lived with this uncertainty about his sexuality for a while before coming to terms with his sexuality.” Lol this rly triggered me, as the whole point in our recovery is living with uncertainty. I don’t want to live w uncertainty to one day find out I’m truly lesbian and have been lying to everyone & myself :/ :( I guess he probably did not have OCD, and in the article it said he knew “something was different” by the age of 6. I guess I’m just overthinking but 😭 it sent my anxiety through the roof

I’ve actually tried writing this multiple times and keep getting scared. Scared because - I don’t want to be the exception. I recognize that this is typical OCD, but my OCD has been manifesting itself not in anxiety - mostly it’s just this dull nagging feeling. This feeling says that I know I’m gay - it’s like I can feel that it’s true. Yet it’s not a clarity - it just feels like this truth that I don’t want to accept. Writing this and not erasing it - is in a way an exposure so I’m going to post this. Because as I reread it, I’m scared that if I post it - people will read it and be like- oh yes that is different from everyone else. I think she’s actually gay. I try to accept the thoughts as they are - thoughts, but then things like friends will comment about cute guys and suddenly I’m reminded that maybe I don’t notice guys as much as them therefore : I’m gay. I’m trying to lean into the uncertainty - just this dull nagging starts drilling in deep overtime.

Just did a big exposure and watched a lot of “ I thought I was straight until x” videos of women in hetero relationships realizing they were lesbians in their 20s and 30s and I’m so scared and uncertain. I feel like I would actually be insane to have made up all the feelings I have felt for men consistently over the years, and I’m simultaneously afraid I’m bi and just don’t know/can’t figure it out. Today is hard and a day when I feel like I don’t have ocd and I might just be lying.

I am not seeking reassurance I just am just looking to vent with people who understand. My homework has been to look into late blooming lesbians and their experiences and I feel like I relate so much. I’ve never had a boyfriend and have had this theme on and off but panic inducing since around 14 (now 27) and SWEAR I had crushes on guys but what if that’s comphet? I never got a boyfriend cause I feared it would confirm I’m a lesbian if I started dating one and didn’t like him. It feels like I relate so much to these late in life lesbians post but isn’t that the point? Or else is would be reassurance? How do I accept the uncertainty when it looks like I’m CERTAINLY a lesbian and if I am, why can’t I accept that? Again I’m not seeking reassurance because I know it will get me nowhere but good god this disorder is annoying (if this is my OCD cause or maybe I’m using OCD as an excuse to not come out as gay?)