I have such an irrational fear of emotionally hurting my fiancé that I have completely stopped talking to women as a whole. It’s not that I want to but I feel like if I have a conversation with a woman, I’ll overthink everything I said to make sure I wasn’t flirty or too nice and it’s gotten to the point where I rather not even talk to them. But I feel like this makes me look so awkward to people and I don’t know what to do :/

Having a severe ROCD episode right now. I’ve had an ROCD OBSESSION with another person for months now. I want to make it clear that not only have I made sure NOT TO act on it romantically at all, I have also made sure to NEVER EVER EVER even attempt to build a friendship with this person. I do not ever initiate conversations with them, I don’t even look at them or speak to them when i see them in person, i make sure to never be alone with them, and i never ever ever even attempt to get closer to them. My limerence extends to looking up their social media, fantasizing about them, daydreaming, and viewing their messages in a group server (where i make sure to only ever joke around with and reply to OTHER PEOPLES messages, NOT theirs (intentionally). I have told my partner ALL of this; he is aware and he told me it’s fine. However, I told him it was a crush, not limerence. And i know for a fact that the only reason this stuck around for so long was because it turned into a full-blown OCD obsession where I would constantly ruminate on my actions, wonder if it was cheating or not, and then daydreaming became a compulsion where i escaped that guilt. The thing is, I’m worried that this means I’m having some sort of internal emotional affair behind his back. I even told him this, that I’m worried I am emotionally cheating, and he told me “Okay so what? What if it’s emotional cheating? What if your biggest fear is true?” He said he cares about real actions and outcomes, not thoughts and feelings and that he doesn’t want to know what happens in my head. But I am constantly obsessing over figuring out the morality of it and if i’ve developed feelings, and if that’s unforgivable and if that counts as an emotional affair (my biggest fear).

I am so deeply terrified of the possibility that I could be emotionally cheating on my partner. This obsession has dominated my psyche for 6 months now, and even though I have told my partner about my crush, told him about my fantasies, told him about my fear of emotional cheating, and done everything in my power to eliminate ANY sort of closeness with this person in a group setting (including keeping them at arm’s length, acting aloof, ignoring them, ensuring that I’m never alone with them, ensuring that I never initiate conversation with them EVER even in group settings, even obsessively monitoring how often I reply to other people in a group server), the guilt still doesn’t stop. I feel like i’m going crazy. I’m googling “emotional cheating definition” like every single day and trying to figure out if having a crush counts (even though my partner knows and says it’s okay).

So I know for a fact that I'm not ready for relationships. It's just not something I feel like I can do due to insecurities, self confidence, anxiety, and self esteem getting in the way of that. It's something that's always on my mind due to fomo and societal norms. I know I would like one but I haven't found any other reasons beyond the biological want. There's a woman that I really do like spending time with and I kept thinking of trying to chat with her more just as a friend to hang out and just get to know her more. Everytime I've seen her it's been a great time and we get along really well. We click on a lot of things and have big interests in common. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of her as a romantic partner but I just know that's not something I can do. Is it disingenuous to try and be friends with her despite having this on my mind time and time again? This is the one thing I could never find myself getting over.