TW POCD Babysitting those kids that aren’t mine again. This time for an entire week. Mine is here too but I’m used to him. at home he has his own room and that helps me at night when the thoughts come because he’s in his room and I’m in mine and I can forget about it. He’s eight. In this house, the little one is six and the older one is fourteen. The little one knows how to dress himself but he can’t take a bath on his own because he doesn’t know how to wash his hair. I was almost tempted to have him wear some swim shorts in the tub but that would’ve been ridiculous. I closed my eyes and focused on washing his hair. He doesn’t like to sleep alone. This is a problem because I don’t want to sleep in the bed with him. I don’t even like to sleep in the same bed as my own kid. I know I won’t sleep because I’ll be busy with compulsions. The first night I slept with my back to the kid and my hands on a fist, while my kid slept in pull out bed. The second night I made them sleep in the bed together while I took the pull out bed. We are on night number three and the little ones fell asleep on different beds. I opted for the pull out bed my own kid fell asleep on. I have three more nights to go after this. The older one will not stop making “that’s what she said” jokes and I’m the only she in the house. This is mentally exhausting.

POCD Trigger: I really hate this disorder and I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I work at a daycare and I’m constantly bombarded with these thoughts that I have hurt a child or even molested them. It is the worst feeling and part of me knows I’d never do that but my OCD really does take over my life. Today, for instance, I was rocking on of the children and I rocked them for two seconds by accident and it told me I molested them. And when I when to pick them up to put them in the play area my hand accidente touched the front of their leg and it told me again I had hurt them, a similar thing happened with another child today where I was feeding them and I accidentally rocked them and I was now a molester. It really is the hardest disorder to deal with. And I hate how it attacked my occupation, I love working with kids and child psychology and everything, but my ocd is really affecting everything.

I have a dilemma. You might’ve seen my previous posts about me babysitting a kid that isn’t mine. Trigger warning for POCD It started off small. One night I helped him change into PJs Then I had him for a whole week, a lot of changing and bath time. And also the kid is terrified of sleeping alone and needs someone RIGHT NEXT TO HIM which is REALLY HORRIBLE for me During this week I was having hella intrusive thoughts and eventually had a complete melt down (while the kids were at school) This is my only income at the moment, from this family who hires me to tutor the kids and occasionally babysit. I used to tutor a lot more kids but I reduced my hours because of intrusive thoughts I agreed to babysit for two weeks while the parents go on vacation in April. I’m already having a shit ton of anxiety about it. I tried looking for a therapist but I’m having no luck finding someone who accepts my insurance. I’ve also stopped taking my meds because they made me suicidal. My access to mental health professionals right now is limited so I can’t really go talk to a professional about this situation. My best friend is strongly urging me to tell them I will not be able to babysit in April. Even if it’s last minute because of how bad my anxiety got just that one week before and because I’m already dreading it. I know this is good exposure but probably not the best idea since I don’t have a professional guiding me. I don’t even know what to tell the parents about why I suddenly can’t babysit if we’ve had this agreement for months. I’m not looking for reassurance or advice on how to deal with the thoughts. What would you do though? If you were me and your anxiety is through the roof and your meds are fucked and no one takes your insurance and you’ll be stuck babysitting a little boy for two weeks (helping him change and bathe and sleep in the same bed) like I can’t... How would I even explain this to anyone?

Pocd trigger Trying to quit my babysitting job is proving a lot harder than I thought it would be. No one is understanding and I’m not about to be like “ITS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO MOLEST THE KIDS” cause then people would really be like wtf... so I say it’s my ocd and they’re like so what? The kids make you too anxious? Nahh you don’t understand it’s not the kids it’s that I have thoughts about molesting them and id rather not. High key fuck this shit I don’t even know what to do anymore and these parents aren’t trying to make it easy for me to quit