- Username
- anonempath
- Date posted
- 3y ago
for me it was back in February. we were having lunch with my cousins and as i am a junior in high school, my cousins (older than me) were aaskig me about whether or not i have already made a career choice. i had always wanted to be a doctor since like 7th grade, but my mum always told me not to because it would take up a huge part of my life and i "wouldn't be able to enjoy social life, have a family and raise kids. my future husband might even cheat on me for staying out of the house for so long". so, we were all joking and i told them what my mum had been telling me this whole time, and so my cousin looked at me amd was like "just get a wife then". at first i laughed it off and shook my head as a no, he looked at me and nodded like he was asking me if i were sure and i said no again, this time verbally. and the next day, a monday, i remember doing heavy research, taking sexuality tests and ruminating a lot. this went on for 2 weeks: unbearable headaches, nausea whenever i thought about the possibility of loving a woman and being with one. then i searched "feeling nauseous when thinking about being gay" and it led me to multiple articles about hocd. i literally checked all the boxes and felt like i had found what was wrong with me. looking back at it now and remembering how much time i used to spend ruminating and searching, what i am going through now doesn't feel like hocd anymore. the thoughts have gone down drastically, mainky because of my fucked sleep schedule: i am too tired to even try and think about this stuff. my anxiety has almost vanished to the thoughts and scenarios which makes it feel real and desired. all i feel now is that i actually want the thoughts, but even that doesn't spook me as much, which makes me feel guilty for "faking" it. and whenever i feel a new obsession or compulsion forming, i tell myself not to "fake" it in order to "prove" i have ocd. i am in this huge mess now, i don't even ruminate much or think about it much, anxiety has gone down a lot which makes me really question if this is hocd or not at this point :(
For me, it was weird because I was 12 and then I saw a guy on television and thought he was ugly but also got anxiety and my brain was telling me he was cute and made me feel like he was, either tho I thiught of him as ugly, so fast forward a few weeks, I’m in bed and a random gay thought pops up, followed by a boner and by a gay emotion, at the time I knew what being gay was, so I tried to tell myself it bi, didn’t work and increased anxiety, so I threw up 4 times and cried myself to sleep
From that moment till now, I’ve suffered with this ocd and I’m finally starting to get somewhat over it 2 yrs later, I’m 14 right now and honestly can’t wait to live again
I don't think its a good idea to share stories like this. Knowing how everyone is, y'all are probably going to try to relate to whatever someone said, and possibly spiral and ruminate on it...
for those with SO-OCD, how did your subtype come about? for me it was just one day lying in bed and irrationally thinking that since I wasn’t interested in hooking up with my male “friend” that I was gay and that I was hiding the fact from myself all these years. Im just not too familiar with how OCD manifests in people. like is it sudden or?
I'm starting to believe I have had SOOCD since childhood. I remember having thoughts since as early as 7 that felt bad and wrong and made me sad and worried. Thoughts of being bisexual or lesbian still make me so unhappy and uncomfortable, but they also feel so deeply ingrained in me that I have a hard time knowing what my sexuality is. I felt forced to accept the fact that I was bisexual when I was an adult, even though it made me sad, but is that even true? Is dealing with this since childhood really just denial? Am I just gay? Or is ALL of it a lie and I'm straight? Maybe I'm asexual, and am not attracted to anyone? I can't sort it out in my head, my heart is breaking- my wonderful fiance has been so careful and kind as I process what is going on. Now the idea of having sex or attraction to ANYONE of any gender makes me panic and cry. He is so patient, but he doesn't deserve this, he deserves better than my panic attacks and doubt. Has anyone else had a theme since childhood? How have you sorted what IS real from what is NOT real, now that you know you have OCD?
It all started two months ago when I was making scenarios in my head to fall asleep.. i was imagining myself kissing a man and then it turned into a woman. The moment that happened, I opened my eyes and panicked.. it was complete panic, i started sweating, crying and I couldn’t function anymore. I started asking myself “am i gay”, “i have to come out to my boyfriend”, “i have to come out to everyone”, it was all within the span of 10 minutes… soooo overwhelming!! My mind acted as if I was gay, I lost my sense of identity, I couldn’t even trust myself anymore even when I reassured myself. It was such an awful cycle, to look at any person, a man to make sure i was straight, and a woman to make sure I wasn’t gay… i feel ashamed saying this. If i looked at a woman a certain way, like oh she’s pretty, my mind would say yes u see ur gay. After two months, I imagine any interest with a female stranger as a confirmation of being gay, I’m so nervous all the time, i start sweating and checking for groinal responses (the worst is when the response happens).. i cant afford a session with a therapist now, and i keep saying that i dont have OCD, im in denial, and that one day ill be gay. Can someone offer some insight on wether this sounds like OCD?
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