KayKat
- Date posted
- 4y
MRK92MRK92
- Date posted
- 4y
I feel yeah. It’s such an odd thing, the way our brains work. For me personally I’ve been going through this for my whole life, and gone through multiple therapist and one clinic. I recently have been letting things just go. The worry, the fear, the anxiety. It’s there, it controls my emotions, it cotrols my thoughts: but I imagine I’m sitting in the middle of a slow rolling stream, and I’ve been digging my feet in, and I just lay back, and let the water take me. Now as yoga stretching, reusable water bottle drinking, make my own protein bars out of chia seeds bull shit as this sounds: it works. But here’s the part that no one gave me a heads up about. It works but your not going to feel like normal. As far as I’m concerned I never knew what normal was because I’ve been fighting this since the first time I was called an OCD kid by my school counselor. (I was 8, I’m 28 now) But you get little glimpses of what should or could be. And for me it’s hard because I became so scared of loosing myself that I lost myself. I became so scared of loosing my sexuality I lost it. I became so scared of loosing my relationships, I lost them. I became so scared of every move in life that I became stagnant and sunk. It sucks, and it’s where I’m at, and I’m not sure where your at friend, but don’t keep going down this path. Let go, let it all go. And once you through your puzzle up In the air, and let it shatter: you’ll find the ways to put it back together. There will be hints in the corner pieces. They’ll be sections that you begin to recognize. Don’t be scared to try a new piece someone, if it doesn’t fit try another. The first step for myself is letting me to even try to mentally put them there. Which is hard because emotionally your still all over the ground and paralyzed with the fear of even letting yourself imagine putting the piece in the wrong spot. I’m letting myself imagine putting the pieces in the wrong spots. I even went as far as to force myself to enjoy putting those pieces in the wrong spot, because I was afraid I was in denial that I would have enjoyed them there. But you know what? In your life there’s infinite amount of ways this puzzle can go back together, and if you look at it, there’s beauty, joy, and fulfillment in each part of that puzzle you start to put together. Kick today’s ass, so tomorrow doesn’t kick yours. And allow your stream to take you to your own ocean. I hope your road gets narrowed and less cobbled.
rootytootyrootytooty
- Date posted
- 4y
So I’m not the original poster but are you a poet? Because this was beautiful
SashaSasha
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
Brilliant !
IDK321.IDK321.
- Date posted
- 4y
Your the Only person who has written my exact thoughts i can't give advice or help because I'm 36 now and still looking for help.
KayKatKayKat
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you for sharing that you can relate so much to what I am going trough! That feels good to know I am not the only one. Sorry you are going trough this too 😞
Coul.CCoul.C
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey just want to let you know you’re not alone
MRK92MRK92
- Date posted
- 4y
What help are you looking for? I had Sally Winston recommend the best OCD therapist in my home state on the west coast, and even he couldn’t pry my feet from out of the sand because they were dug in so deep. He has made recommendations about where I should go, but after 1 1/2 years with him, I made improvements, but not in the ways that he thought I should. He told me I need either inpatient or a couple other options. So After that wake up call, I started trying to dig myself out. I journal, eat healthy, don’t drink, take care of myself better. And it’s only been a week since this has happened, and I don’t feel emotionally better, but I’m gonna get there. I got to learn to give myself compassion and grace in all these compulsions. Sexuality ones are huge with me; but why? Why does it matter? and I can list off literally pages of why it does to me, but I also get small glimpse of clarity once I burned the pages of that list and just started letting the words write themselves. It’s difficult because I already wrote my life manual, but Im realizing I didn’t write it, fear did. Fear wrote my manual, now that’s not all bad, and by no means should you disregard your values in my opinion, but just note them, not obsessively or with the ink of fear, but more like a cloud noticed in the sky, and let it drift away. Than pretty soon, I seem to notice another, than the sky gets black and stormy and I feel the same lighting bolts of HOCD when i hug my wife, but than the clouds clear and I see the blue sky again. I got lucky with a beautiful women inside and out that has helped me through this the last 3 almost to the date of my life: through extreme depression, unhelpful self meditation, and an suicidal episode. And looking through those clouds to see that blue is what has helped me. But looking for the blue skys through others or things won’t get you there. Find it through yourself and appreciate those that are clearing the path for it.
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Mariabae
- Date posted
- 24w
It feels like I’m realizing the truth and it’s destroying me
Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling deeply with what I believe is ROCD for about a year and a half. I’ve read so much, I’ve learned about ERP, I know that I’m supposed to let the thoughts and feelings pass without reacting — but even knowing all of that, I feel stuck. More than stuck — I feel broken. Lately, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I never loved my boyfriend. That I only loved the idea of being in a relationship, and now I’m just trying to hold on to a fantasy. These thoughts feel incredibly real. When I’m next to him, kissing or cuddling him, I feel like I’m faking it. And that scares me. It feels like something inside me changed and I can’t go back. And now I can’t even remember what love felt like — it’s like I’ve lost myself completely. Yesterday was especially painful. I was overwhelmed and my mom, who usually notices when I’m not okay, tried to talk to me. She loves me a lot and has been carrying her own burdens lately. When she saw how much pain I was in, she reacted strongly — not because she doesn’t care, but because it hurts her to see me like this every day. She told me I might be lying to myself. That I’m hurting both myself and my boyfriend by holding on if I don’t feel love. She asked me to imagine what I would feel if he broke up with me — and I couldn’t answer. I froze. The thing is, I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel hopeless. I try to remember good memories and feel nothing. I used to cry when we said goodbye — now I feel numb. It makes me think that maybe I’ve always been in denial. That maybe everything I believed was love was just me forcing it. And yet… I still don’t want to lose him. But even that feeling feels far away now. These thoughts aren’t just whispers anymore. They feel like truths screaming in my head. “You don’t like him.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “It was all fake.” And I can’t stop ruminating. Every second of my day is consumed with doubt, fear, guilt, sadness, emptiness — and above all, confusion. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this. Felt like they were losing everything, like nothing feels real anymore, like they’re trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing works. I’m trying to sit with the feelings. I’m trying not to seek reassurance. But I also need support. I feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading.
NoraKate_6
- Date posted
- 23w
Never been in a relationship but having rocd
I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before, and I’ve never experienced loving someone so much I want them to be with me and be the “right person”. My entire life is surrounded by people who are in love and have those movie like relationships. My sibling, cousins and best friends. I’m absolutely done with the “right person this and right person that” talk because I don’t know if I will ever get my “right person”. At this point they are band aiding my issues with the bs of “you’ll find when you aren’t look” (fine I’ll just have walk around blind folded ig?) My ROCD is in weird ways. I don’t have a partner. My cycle goes like this, I have to look a certain way and act desirable so I can attract a boyfriend and heal all my trauma so I can be present and perfect! Then I realize none of that actually works and I spiral. Thinking I’m gonna be alone forever and no one will actually love me because there is something wrong with me. I was always the “chronically single” one in the friend group and they cannot comprehend me doing romantic things. I feel so lost, I don’t know how to calm myself down. I get triggered by couples and my family. Because they have something I don’t. I can’t explain how it even triggers me, I just feel this rage.
KAW1007
- Date posted
- 14w
Please help - long post.
I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.
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