KayKat
- Date posted
- 3y
MRK92MRK92
- Date posted
- 3y
I feel yeah. It’s such an odd thing, the way our brains work. For me personally I’ve been going through this for my whole life, and gone through multiple therapist and one clinic. I recently have been letting things just go. The worry, the fear, the anxiety. It’s there, it controls my emotions, it cotrols my thoughts: but I imagine I’m sitting in the middle of a slow rolling stream, and I’ve been digging my feet in, and I just lay back, and let the water take me. Now as yoga stretching, reusable water bottle drinking, make my own protein bars out of chia seeds bull shit as this sounds: it works. But here’s the part that no one gave me a heads up about. It works but your not going to feel like normal. As far as I’m concerned I never knew what normal was because I’ve been fighting this since the first time I was called an OCD kid by my school counselor. (I was 8, I’m 28 now) But you get little glimpses of what should or could be. And for me it’s hard because I became so scared of loosing myself that I lost myself. I became so scared of loosing my sexuality I lost it. I became so scared of loosing my relationships, I lost them. I became so scared of every move in life that I became stagnant and sunk. It sucks, and it’s where I’m at, and I’m not sure where your at friend, but don’t keep going down this path. Let go, let it all go. And once you through your puzzle up In the air, and let it shatter: you’ll find the ways to put it back together. There will be hints in the corner pieces. They’ll be sections that you begin to recognize. Don’t be scared to try a new piece someone, if it doesn’t fit try another. The first step for myself is letting me to even try to mentally put them there. Which is hard because emotionally your still all over the ground and paralyzed with the fear of even letting yourself imagine putting the piece in the wrong spot. I’m letting myself imagine putting the pieces in the wrong spots. I even went as far as to force myself to enjoy putting those pieces in the wrong spot, because I was afraid I was in denial that I would have enjoyed them there. But you know what? In your life there’s infinite amount of ways this puzzle can go back together, and if you look at it, there’s beauty, joy, and fulfillment in each part of that puzzle you start to put together. Kick today’s ass, so tomorrow doesn’t kick yours. And allow your stream to take you to your own ocean. I hope your road gets narrowed and less cobbled.
rootytootyrootytooty
- Date posted
- 3y
So I’m not the original poster but are you a poet? Because this was beautiful
SashaSasha
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Brilliant !
IDK321.IDK321.
- Date posted
- 3y
Your the Only person who has written my exact thoughts i can't give advice or help because I'm 36 now and still looking for help.
KayKatKayKat
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for sharing that you can relate so much to what I am going trough! That feels good to know I am not the only one. Sorry you are going trough this too 😞
Coul.CCoul.C
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey just want to let you know you’re not alone
MRK92MRK92
- Date posted
- 3y
What help are you looking for? I had Sally Winston recommend the best OCD therapist in my home state on the west coast, and even he couldn’t pry my feet from out of the sand because they were dug in so deep. He has made recommendations about where I should go, but after 1 1/2 years with him, I made improvements, but not in the ways that he thought I should. He told me I need either inpatient or a couple other options. So After that wake up call, I started trying to dig myself out. I journal, eat healthy, don’t drink, take care of myself better. And it’s only been a week since this has happened, and I don’t feel emotionally better, but I’m gonna get there. I got to learn to give myself compassion and grace in all these compulsions. Sexuality ones are huge with me; but why? Why does it matter? and I can list off literally pages of why it does to me, but I also get small glimpse of clarity once I burned the pages of that list and just started letting the words write themselves. It’s difficult because I already wrote my life manual, but Im realizing I didn’t write it, fear did. Fear wrote my manual, now that’s not all bad, and by no means should you disregard your values in my opinion, but just note them, not obsessively or with the ink of fear, but more like a cloud noticed in the sky, and let it drift away. Than pretty soon, I seem to notice another, than the sky gets black and stormy and I feel the same lighting bolts of HOCD when i hug my wife, but than the clouds clear and I see the blue sky again. I got lucky with a beautiful women inside and out that has helped me through this the last 3 almost to the date of my life: through extreme depression, unhelpful self meditation, and an suicidal episode. And looking through those clouds to see that blue is what has helped me. But looking for the blue skys through others or things won’t get you there. Find it through yourself and appreciate those that are clearing the path for it.
Related posts
frannyb
- Date posted
- 19w
I can't do this anymore
I can't live with OCD anymore. It's ruining my life. I feel like I'm being constantly bullied in my own mind all day everyday. I don't know if what I think and feel is ever real or normal or okay, what is me and what is the OCD thoughts. I don't know if any of my experiences are normal. I'm exhausted from picking apart every single conversation I ever have with anyone until I'm strung out by a vague and ambiguous feeling of guilt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person and feeling scared all the time and not knowing why and having my brain spin me out on an endless spiralling train of thoughts that never goes anywhere and just makes me feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I don't know what I feel and if what I feel is normal or if anything I am doing is real and actually me or if I'm 'losing my mind.' I don't even know if this makes any sense. I get into these states of mind where every thought in my head and everything I feel and perceive makes me question my own sanity. I don't know if anyone likes me because I have absolutely no concept of what I am actually like. I feel completely lost and confused CONSTANTLY.
findingmyway1
- Date posted
- 19w
Never thought I would be writing this.
Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.
Gmoki
- Date posted
- 10w
I need advice :( vent post/does anyone relate?
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
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