- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
I feel yeah. It’s such an odd thing, the way our brains work. For me personally I’ve been going through this for my whole life, and gone through multiple therapist and one clinic. I recently have been letting things just go. The worry, the fear, the anxiety. It’s there, it controls my emotions, it cotrols my thoughts: but I imagine I’m sitting in the middle of a slow rolling stream, and I’ve been digging my feet in, and I just lay back, and let the water take me. Now as yoga stretching, reusable water bottle drinking, make my own protein bars out of chia seeds bull shit as this sounds: it works. But here’s the part that no one gave me a heads up about. It works but your not going to feel like normal. As far as I’m concerned I never knew what normal was because I’ve been fighting this since the first time I was called an OCD kid by my school counselor. (I was 8, I’m 28 now) But you get little glimpses of what should or could be. And for me it’s hard because I became so scared of loosing myself that I lost myself. I became so scared of loosing my sexuality I lost it. I became so scared of loosing my relationships, I lost them. I became so scared of every move in life that I became stagnant and sunk. It sucks, and it’s where I’m at, and I’m not sure where your at friend, but don’t keep going down this path. Let go, let it all go. And once you through your puzzle up In the air, and let it shatter: you’ll find the ways to put it back together. There will be hints in the corner pieces. They’ll be sections that you begin to recognize. Don’t be scared to try a new piece someone, if it doesn’t fit try another. The first step for myself is letting me to even try to mentally put them there. Which is hard because emotionally your still all over the ground and paralyzed with the fear of even letting yourself imagine putting the piece in the wrong spot. I’m letting myself imagine putting the pieces in the wrong spots. I even went as far as to force myself to enjoy putting those pieces in the wrong spot, because I was afraid I was in denial that I would have enjoyed them there. But you know what? In your life there’s infinite amount of ways this puzzle can go back together, and if you look at it, there’s beauty, joy, and fulfillment in each part of that puzzle you start to put together. Kick today’s ass, so tomorrow doesn’t kick yours. And allow your stream to take you to your own ocean. I hope your road gets narrowed and less cobbled.
- Date posted
- 3y
So I’m not the original poster but are you a poet? Because this was beautiful
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Brilliant !
- Date posted
- 3y
Your the Only person who has written my exact thoughts i can't give advice or help because I'm 36 now and still looking for help.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for sharing that you can relate so much to what I am going trough! That feels good to know I am not the only one. Sorry you are going trough this too 😞
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey just want to let you know you’re not alone
- Date posted
- 3y
What help are you looking for? I had Sally Winston recommend the best OCD therapist in my home state on the west coast, and even he couldn’t pry my feet from out of the sand because they were dug in so deep. He has made recommendations about where I should go, but after 1 1/2 years with him, I made improvements, but not in the ways that he thought I should. He told me I need either inpatient or a couple other options. So After that wake up call, I started trying to dig myself out. I journal, eat healthy, don’t drink, take care of myself better. And it’s only been a week since this has happened, and I don’t feel emotionally better, but I’m gonna get there. I got to learn to give myself compassion and grace in all these compulsions. Sexuality ones are huge with me; but why? Why does it matter? and I can list off literally pages of why it does to me, but I also get small glimpse of clarity once I burned the pages of that list and just started letting the words write themselves. It’s difficult because I already wrote my life manual, but Im realizing I didn’t write it, fear did. Fear wrote my manual, now that’s not all bad, and by no means should you disregard your values in my opinion, but just note them, not obsessively or with the ink of fear, but more like a cloud noticed in the sky, and let it drift away. Than pretty soon, I seem to notice another, than the sky gets black and stormy and I feel the same lighting bolts of HOCD when i hug my wife, but than the clouds clear and I see the blue sky again. I got lucky with a beautiful women inside and out that has helped me through this the last 3 almost to the date of my life: through extreme depression, unhelpful self meditation, and an suicidal episode. And looking through those clouds to see that blue is what has helped me. But looking for the blue skys through others or things won’t get you there. Find it through yourself and appreciate those that are clearing the path for it.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 11w
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
- Date posted
- 7w
Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?
- Date posted
- 7w
I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.
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