- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
I feel yeah. It’s such an odd thing, the way our brains work. For me personally I’ve been going through this for my whole life, and gone through multiple therapist and one clinic. I recently have been letting things just go. The worry, the fear, the anxiety. It’s there, it controls my emotions, it cotrols my thoughts: but I imagine I’m sitting in the middle of a slow rolling stream, and I’ve been digging my feet in, and I just lay back, and let the water take me. Now as yoga stretching, reusable water bottle drinking, make my own protein bars out of chia seeds bull shit as this sounds: it works. But here’s the part that no one gave me a heads up about. It works but your not going to feel like normal. As far as I’m concerned I never knew what normal was because I’ve been fighting this since the first time I was called an OCD kid by my school counselor. (I was 8, I’m 28 now) But you get little glimpses of what should or could be. And for me it’s hard because I became so scared of loosing myself that I lost myself. I became so scared of loosing my sexuality I lost it. I became so scared of loosing my relationships, I lost them. I became so scared of every move in life that I became stagnant and sunk. It sucks, and it’s where I’m at, and I’m not sure where your at friend, but don’t keep going down this path. Let go, let it all go. And once you through your puzzle up In the air, and let it shatter: you’ll find the ways to put it back together. There will be hints in the corner pieces. They’ll be sections that you begin to recognize. Don’t be scared to try a new piece someone, if it doesn’t fit try another. The first step for myself is letting me to even try to mentally put them there. Which is hard because emotionally your still all over the ground and paralyzed with the fear of even letting yourself imagine putting the piece in the wrong spot. I’m letting myself imagine putting the pieces in the wrong spots. I even went as far as to force myself to enjoy putting those pieces in the wrong spot, because I was afraid I was in denial that I would have enjoyed them there. But you know what? In your life there’s infinite amount of ways this puzzle can go back together, and if you look at it, there’s beauty, joy, and fulfillment in each part of that puzzle you start to put together. Kick today’s ass, so tomorrow doesn’t kick yours. And allow your stream to take you to your own ocean. I hope your road gets narrowed and less cobbled.
- Date posted
- 4y
So I’m not the original poster but are you a poet? Because this was beautiful
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
Brilliant !
- Date posted
- 4y
Your the Only person who has written my exact thoughts i can't give advice or help because I'm 36 now and still looking for help.
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you for sharing that you can relate so much to what I am going trough! That feels good to know I am not the only one. Sorry you are going trough this too 😞
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey just want to let you know you’re not alone
- Date posted
- 4y
What help are you looking for? I had Sally Winston recommend the best OCD therapist in my home state on the west coast, and even he couldn’t pry my feet from out of the sand because they were dug in so deep. He has made recommendations about where I should go, but after 1 1/2 years with him, I made improvements, but not in the ways that he thought I should. He told me I need either inpatient or a couple other options. So After that wake up call, I started trying to dig myself out. I journal, eat healthy, don’t drink, take care of myself better. And it’s only been a week since this has happened, and I don’t feel emotionally better, but I’m gonna get there. I got to learn to give myself compassion and grace in all these compulsions. Sexuality ones are huge with me; but why? Why does it matter? and I can list off literally pages of why it does to me, but I also get small glimpse of clarity once I burned the pages of that list and just started letting the words write themselves. It’s difficult because I already wrote my life manual, but Im realizing I didn’t write it, fear did. Fear wrote my manual, now that’s not all bad, and by no means should you disregard your values in my opinion, but just note them, not obsessively or with the ink of fear, but more like a cloud noticed in the sky, and let it drift away. Than pretty soon, I seem to notice another, than the sky gets black and stormy and I feel the same lighting bolts of HOCD when i hug my wife, but than the clouds clear and I see the blue sky again. I got lucky with a beautiful women inside and out that has helped me through this the last 3 almost to the date of my life: through extreme depression, unhelpful self meditation, and an suicidal episode. And looking through those clouds to see that blue is what has helped me. But looking for the blue skys through others or things won’t get you there. Find it through yourself and appreciate those that are clearing the path for it.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
I am at the point where I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore and have a really hard time explaining my thoughts and feelings. The thought that no one may ever be able to help me or understand me is blazing constant in my head. I don’t know if I will truly ever be happy, the dissatisfaction I have in my life is beyond words and I try to be happy but my mind is so toxic and ungrateful. I feel that I may never understand myself. Have been dealing with extreme intrusive thoughts in regards to my relationship, if my partner is for me, if I am the reason problems come up in my relationship, if I am overly sensitive causing arguments etc. I will have constant thoughts about other people in my head although I have a partner. A hyperactive imagination of others if you will or specific individuals in my life. I have a severely low sex drive. I have also noticed recently that my partner will say things that I don’t like but can’t tell if he’s the problem or if i’m the problem. If I like my partner anymore or if I don’t, can I see him in my future or not. When I am with him I enjoy being with him but there is always a thought in the back of my head of do I just like being around him as a friend because I am lonely or if I truly love them. It’s to the point where I question leaving them or not. My only issue is that I don’t want to leave but at the same time I have trouble feeling emotionally and sexually connected. I even pick at physical imperfections that they may have which to my true beliefs does not matter I will love them otherwise. We recently have been arguing a lot and I can’t tell if I am the problem or he is but it causes me a lot of stress because I feel misunderstood and feel like he wouldn’t understand me unless he was me. It can be hard explaining OCD to him because he is one of those people who loves to self help almost like a life coach, explains to me that anxiety doesn’t exist and that I can help myself or stuff along those lines. It hurts so bad because he doesn’t understand how hard it is for someone with OCD and how him saying things like that only makes it worse and makes me want to turn away from him in a way. I want to feel like I can talk to my partner and that I know for a fact is my true belief. I pray that God will heal me of this terrible disease. I feel I have turned away from the Lord so much because of how alone and misunderstood I feel with what feels like no change. When I’m in public I’ll look at a guy and feel as though because they looked at me back they will think I like them or that I may be interested even though i’m not. I obsess in my head sometimes about real people I know that are kit my partner and have just learned to accept that but it’s still disheartening to me. I understand the concept of being with a partner and still finding other people attractive without obviously doing anything about it and I try to remind myself of that. Please someone tell me this is OCD because the thought of it not is sickening. Another thing I do is compare myself to other girls my age almost that if i’m not as pretty as them im not pretty at all. To whom ever reads this please be very mindful of how you respond because I am triggered very easily. But I am so so lost.
- Date posted
- 16w
I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.
- Date posted
- 16w
Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.
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