- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
I feel yeah. It’s such an odd thing, the way our brains work. For me personally I’ve been going through this for my whole life, and gone through multiple therapist and one clinic. I recently have been letting things just go. The worry, the fear, the anxiety. It’s there, it controls my emotions, it cotrols my thoughts: but I imagine I’m sitting in the middle of a slow rolling stream, and I’ve been digging my feet in, and I just lay back, and let the water take me. Now as yoga stretching, reusable water bottle drinking, make my own protein bars out of chia seeds bull shit as this sounds: it works. But here’s the part that no one gave me a heads up about. It works but your not going to feel like normal. As far as I’m concerned I never knew what normal was because I’ve been fighting this since the first time I was called an OCD kid by my school counselor. (I was 8, I’m 28 now) But you get little glimpses of what should or could be. And for me it’s hard because I became so scared of loosing myself that I lost myself. I became so scared of loosing my sexuality I lost it. I became so scared of loosing my relationships, I lost them. I became so scared of every move in life that I became stagnant and sunk. It sucks, and it’s where I’m at, and I’m not sure where your at friend, but don’t keep going down this path. Let go, let it all go. And once you through your puzzle up In the air, and let it shatter: you’ll find the ways to put it back together. There will be hints in the corner pieces. They’ll be sections that you begin to recognize. Don’t be scared to try a new piece someone, if it doesn’t fit try another. The first step for myself is letting me to even try to mentally put them there. Which is hard because emotionally your still all over the ground and paralyzed with the fear of even letting yourself imagine putting the piece in the wrong spot. I’m letting myself imagine putting the pieces in the wrong spots. I even went as far as to force myself to enjoy putting those pieces in the wrong spot, because I was afraid I was in denial that I would have enjoyed them there. But you know what? In your life there’s infinite amount of ways this puzzle can go back together, and if you look at it, there’s beauty, joy, and fulfillment in each part of that puzzle you start to put together. Kick today’s ass, so tomorrow doesn’t kick yours. And allow your stream to take you to your own ocean. I hope your road gets narrowed and less cobbled.
- Date posted
- 3y
So I’m not the original poster but are you a poet? Because this was beautiful
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Brilliant !
- Date posted
- 3y
Your the Only person who has written my exact thoughts i can't give advice or help because I'm 36 now and still looking for help.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for sharing that you can relate so much to what I am going trough! That feels good to know I am not the only one. Sorry you are going trough this too 😞
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey just want to let you know you’re not alone
- Date posted
- 3y
What help are you looking for? I had Sally Winston recommend the best OCD therapist in my home state on the west coast, and even he couldn’t pry my feet from out of the sand because they were dug in so deep. He has made recommendations about where I should go, but after 1 1/2 years with him, I made improvements, but not in the ways that he thought I should. He told me I need either inpatient or a couple other options. So After that wake up call, I started trying to dig myself out. I journal, eat healthy, don’t drink, take care of myself better. And it’s only been a week since this has happened, and I don’t feel emotionally better, but I’m gonna get there. I got to learn to give myself compassion and grace in all these compulsions. Sexuality ones are huge with me; but why? Why does it matter? and I can list off literally pages of why it does to me, but I also get small glimpse of clarity once I burned the pages of that list and just started letting the words write themselves. It’s difficult because I already wrote my life manual, but Im realizing I didn’t write it, fear did. Fear wrote my manual, now that’s not all bad, and by no means should you disregard your values in my opinion, but just note them, not obsessively or with the ink of fear, but more like a cloud noticed in the sky, and let it drift away. Than pretty soon, I seem to notice another, than the sky gets black and stormy and I feel the same lighting bolts of HOCD when i hug my wife, but than the clouds clear and I see the blue sky again. I got lucky with a beautiful women inside and out that has helped me through this the last 3 almost to the date of my life: through extreme depression, unhelpful self meditation, and an suicidal episode. And looking through those clouds to see that blue is what has helped me. But looking for the blue skys through others or things won’t get you there. Find it through yourself and appreciate those that are clearing the path for it.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 18w
I can't live with OCD anymore. It's ruining my life. I feel like I'm being constantly bullied in my own mind all day everyday. I don't know if what I think and feel is ever real or normal or okay, what is me and what is the OCD thoughts. I don't know if any of my experiences are normal. I'm exhausted from picking apart every single conversation I ever have with anyone until I'm strung out by a vague and ambiguous feeling of guilt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a bad person and feeling scared all the time and not knowing why and having my brain spin me out on an endless spiralling train of thoughts that never goes anywhere and just makes me feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I don't know what I feel and if what I feel is normal or if anything I am doing is real and actually me or if I'm 'losing my mind.' I don't even know if this makes any sense. I get into these states of mind where every thought in my head and everything I feel and perceive makes me question my own sanity. I don't know if anyone likes me because I have absolutely no concept of what I am actually like. I feel completely lost and confused CONSTANTLY.
- Date posted
- 18w
Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.
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