Do I even deserve to live if I'm convinced I'm a pedophile? Do I deserve to eat? To have a home? I feel so extremely worthless. All I do is lay in bed. I don't deserve to do anything else. I should rot in my bed.

Hey i dont even know if i belong here or not because i dont think so i have ocd i am just making an excuse for the past crimes i have committed i am 18 now and about to be 19 so just wanted to share something i know for sure i have done this crime when i was 13 or 14 because why would i think and feel guilty over an act i have never committed for 5 years so yeah i came to know about this thing OCD and now i am putting my crimes to it and false memory that kinda stuff but in my mind its always like that "you have done those acts i have proof" after asking my sister 3 times that do you even remember a glimpse of my inapproriate behaviour towards you but no she has answered "nope if i did i would tell you i never felt uncomfortable around you " well how may she remember when she was sleeping when i did those acts and yeah she was 12 too so she must be a deep sleeper well my mind have too much proof that i am a sexual abuser i dont know why i am still typing but just wanted to know do i deserve to live anymore because according to me i am done i cant tolerate these disgusting thoughts about my sister and i may be a threat to her and i dont deserve to live in this family i love them so much but i cant do it anymore i am such a monster they deserve so much better

TW: SEWERSLIDE WARNING I’m scared to continue living because I don’t want the worst to happen. The worst being me discovering I’m a sociopath, pedophile, ephebophile etc… I have people I don’t want to disappoint. I keep looking for an excuse/something wrong with me so that I can decide whether I want to continue living or just end my life and save myself from the embarrassment of my loved ones finding out. At the same time I’m afraid to die. I feel like I’m not making a lot of progress in therapy. The only thing keeping me going right now is the thought that maybe one day I will find out that I’m not a creep, a sociopath &/or an ephebophile. At the same time living everyday is hard with all this looming over me. Some days I feel like I can continue no &’s ifs or buts. Other days I feel like im my own cheerleader & i am actually this bad person i think i am. I am so confused. Yesterday this thing came up where i suddenly find myself thinking a 17 yr old actor is attractive mind you im 21 yrs old.. idk if this is arousal nonconcordance or what it is honestly..I’m just afraid that it says something about who I am.. maybe that’s why I like guys my age with smaller bodies because it reminds me of a younger person??? Idk

I feel like I wasted my life.I am almost 20 years old I feel like I did some mistakes that are too horrible to be forgiven.I didnt help a kid who needed help..Who was in danger ..Who was hurt.This made me think I am dangerous and can't be trusted.I started to have these terrible terrible thoughts(pocd) and I feel like I changes since then.Like I am not a ,,pure" person.That I can't be like I was before.I hope it was a compulsion..I used to also stare at kids years ago.I know is so disgusting and I will never act like that again.I feel like I did something too terrible.I am scared this is all proof I am a p..I don't wanna be that.I will never do something but I am so disgusted by my thoughts.I know I shoulf not seek reassurance and all but I don't know if anyone will want to be near me if they knew.I feel like an impostor.And I am scared to tell a therapist..what if they told me that I really am?! Ped******a is one of the things that disgust me the most ..(I think for everyone is like that).I feel like I am too terrible to do something in life.After all of this idk if I deserve anything.Maybe there was a chance if I didn't start to have these thoughts..but now..I want to became a psychologist, to travel the world.I feel like I wasted my life .And I feel like I have too many things to do and have a lot of places to go.Some people are sick and can't do the things I CAN do.And I feel guilty because of that.And I am also scared I will get sick( as I write this, I am scared I will manifest it).I am going to a therapist but idk if I have the courage to tell abt my pocd