Current mood :- listening to "at my worst" and crying😭

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

i’m currently experiencing a panicky anxiety attack and i don’t know why. i’ve been on edge all day because of being scared to get sick, but right now, i know i’m not going to get sick but i’m just really panicked and cannot calm down. i’m currently listening to music that helps relax me with an icepack on my neck to help, but not much is happening. my sister and mom keep coming into my room and it’s only making it worse but i don’t know why. i just don’t want to talk or be around anyone right now. these kinds of episodes are worse than any other because i don’t know why i’m so scared. it just feels like it’s never going to go away.

Was just remembering and ruminating on extremely traumatic and disturbing drawings I looked at as a teen. I'm trying to move past it because I cannot go back and unsee what I've seen, it's so difficult though. Feeling like people would look at me with disgust and I don't deserve the love that I crave desperately.