Day 3 on Zoloft 50mg and I feel so hopeless, anxious, like these obsessive thoughts will never go away!!! I’m scared. Why do I have such bad thoughts of my family :(

I really just need to vent. I recently had a relapse and while some days it seems like I’m feeling better, others are so difficult. Today, I’m breaking down at work in the bathroom and I feel so awful about that. Aside from the really scary thoughts I’m having about my health and my family members, I’m starting to feel really hopeless about the future. Like I’m never going to get better and that I’m going to get stuck in this ocd cycle forever. I know that’s not true because I’ve been able to make progress before, but the desperation and frustration that comes with a relapse make it so hard to remember that. I started medication and it’s only been about 3 days but I’m really scared that it’s not going to work or that I’m going to have to go through a lot of trial and error. I just really need to hear from people who have worked through their health ocd. I need hope.

I recently was diagnosed with postpartum ocd/ depression/ anxiety it’s by far the hardest thing I ever had. As an adolescent I struggled with depression/anxiety/ & self harm I didn’t realize back then that self harm was a compulsion for me. Anyway recently ocd has been attacking my baby along with my loved ones or even strangers. I feel horrible about it & feel insane I have panic attacks very often. I do my best to remind myself it’s ocd not me. I am genuinely the kind of person that is disturbed by road kill & cry over new all the time. I didn’t have these intrusive thoughts until my baby was 4 months (he’s now 6 months) because of a stupid true crime case & then it spiraled. I believe the only reason it’s doing all this is to have me feel like I am a villain & evil. It causes me to wonder if I have psychosis (like my mind purposely thinks the worst to try to convince me of psychosis) I am aware that’s not how it works. I am doing everything possible to overcome this sadly my insurance is Medicaid & it doesn’t work on here to find a OCD specialist. I move in 10 days to a new state & my insurance will be cut off for some time. I recently started Zoloft so I’m hoping it helps me until then. I want hope from other moms that have gone through similar experiences… this feels so exhausting & endless I wasn’t like this a few months ago. All I do is pray for things to get better I read the Bible to ease my heart & try to trust God that this to shall pass.

my therapist suggested that some of my less bad rocd intrusive thoughts are actually mine, and not intrusive. She ended up taking it back when she saw the alarm on my face and saw how panicked I got. I feel really freaking anxious. We were only talking about it because I mentioned a lot of doubt surrounding those less bad ones, but it only filled me with more doubt. I don’t want those thoughts to be mine. I really don’t. I feel scared and so discouraged after this session. I feel scared about the worst thoughts, what if those aren’t intrusive. I feel so much doubt.