I had a mini A-HA! moment today and wanted to share in case anyone else found it helpful. I wrote it as an entry in my journal today so I’ll just share below. It’s a bit long winded but I hope it’s a bit helpful for someone:
When these anxious thoughts and memories come up, it feels like they are happening all over again, right in front of me. It feels like it’s some thing I need to sort out immediately. It feels important and it feels like my whole past and my whole future relationship depends on it.
I think the other important thing to remember is that in most cases, I’ve thought about these things as much as I can. I’ve gone back into these memories and back into the past over and over and over, trying to decipher and trying to relive and trying to reimagine. Trying to understand, trying to find or dig up evidence one way or another. Tried to find reassurance one way or another. Tried to find certainty one way or another. The unfortunate but truthful part of it all is that I’ve thought about these things as much as I can, and no matter how much I continue to ruminate or continue to obsess about these memories, I’ll never be able to decipher it in such a way that gives me more clarity one way or the other.
I’ve thought about it as much as any human possibly can, and I’m still uncertain of the answer or the truth. This means I am safe to let this go for now and not think about it anymore. I can release this.