Hey everyone, Back in 2020-2019ish I messaged these boys who I previously “did stuff with” . Before me and my bf dated . I think one of them messaged me about homework so I tried to help (he is also friends with my bf still). So I was just trying to be nice. And the other one I was friends with for years and I told him about my boyfriend and then he messaged me about dogs and about how he was sorry if he was mean etc etc. I don’t remember my responses but I’m paranoid I sent them something inappropriate and it was wrong . A lot of people think texting people from your past is bad in relationships and I’m obsessing over this too. But I think I was just trying to be nice at the time and didn’t think much of it . My boyfriend knows all this and he does not care .

I’ve done more than this too I’ve downloaded many online games and apps and joked with people and talked to them etc etc I even gave these guys my Instagram because they kept harassing me I was a guy . And had short convos with both afterwords and never talked to them again . I even messaged the guy for the messages back in January . But I don’t remember the other guys name and will obsess I said something sexual etc etc . . It’s really bad I try to avoid talking to men now . And don’t use social media besides this and Reddit . I’m very sorry and I hope yours gets better I’m also sorry for writing a book. I’m panic texting .

@Missemily Oof I avoid men too which is super exhausting but I couldn’t imagine cutting myself off from social media! :( I can tell you right now that you don’t need to do that. That sounds very extreme and I promise you you are not being unfaithful just by being on social media. It sounds like it would be very helpful for you to be able to recognise compulsions and manage them. OCD and Anxiety is a very good YouTube channel with a super helpful host but be careful not to use it as a compulsion/confirmation that you have or haven’t cheated (“maybe it’s not OCD” for example). But it sounds like it may be helpful for you to understand compulsions more. I hope this helps!

Thank you for your help I really appreciate it . I’ve chatted with so many people random people boys and girls . And I’m just paranoid I did something bad like I said . I get random jealousy thoughts over other people like in my head I’ll be like “why is he talking to her I’m hotter” and I will take that thought and think it’s cheating and obsess over it . Like I am currently . I have a lot of attention seeking tendencies too maybe because of my family and the emotional abuse I have endured and no social life in real life . But I feel so bad for my bf and I’m trying to become a better person for him and it’s destroying me . But I will look him up on YouTube !! Thank you so much

@Missemily Genuinely to me it just sounds like you’re a social person, and your OCD is picking up on your doubts of whether or not you had bad intentions. It’s like a bully saying “why did you do that? You’re a bad person!”. The more you defend yourself the stronger the bully gets. It sounds like you are super self critical which is super unfair to yourself, and it sounds like you are trying to make connections between your perceived flaws and the act of cheating. Regarding the jealousy - thoughts are just thoughts. We give OCD the green light by giving them value and looking too deeply into them. Imagine how many people would have cheated if simply feeling jealous were enough! It is super late here in England so I am going to head off the app for now but I will read anything in the morning if you wanted to discuss anything else!

@philmitchellswag Also regarding the bully OCD really is like a bully you would face in school. The more you accept what they say, and give less of a reaction, the more they back off. Try and treat it like that, see if that helps? I got that from the YouTube channel too

@philmitchellswag I have agoraphobia meaning I don’t leave the house so social media is the only source of “interactions” I have . I also feel bad because they would label chat rooms stuff like “sexy club” or “strip club” or “dating & smoking” like stuff like that and I would convince myself I was looking for a boyfriend and not entertainment . And I also downloaded apps that were labeled as friend apps and will convince myself I found I guy on there and flirted etc etc . I’m so sorry for all of my examples . But yeah I feel very guilty . I hope you have a good night !! Thanks again

@Missemily To be honest, I can’t think of a reasons why all of a sudden you would do a U turn and completely change your character. It sounds like you were functioning normally and now you are over analysing the past. It may be worth seeing what thoughts/feelings or events may have caused this If you feel that you don’t deserve your boyfriend and the like, this may be where the OCD stems from but I’m not qualified so I can’t confirm! It sounds like your worries come from ocd (as they are obsessive, and I imagine you’ve done compulsions like trying to remember past convos and looking at past convos to make sure you didn’t do anything wrong) I too make the mistake of valuing “did I cheat?” Over recognising ocd and getting better. The harsh truth is that, even if you did, your ocd around this theme will continue. Often times people with relationship ocd are no more likely to cheat than someone who doesn’t, or someone who actually has, so it isn’t really to do with the question of whether or not you actually did or didn’t. Ocd thrives off of this questioning, and the actual theme of it (“did I cheat?”) doesn’t have a lot of real bearing, at least in my experience. It’s just an anxiety disorder and I don’t believe the actions your analysing are totally relevant to it! Agin though, I’m not a doctor

I already did a complusive thing by messaging him and asking and all he said is that he Dosent know but it was probably basic and that I told him about my boyfriend . But my mind will still convince me of things . And it’s just never 100% but that’s how this mental illness goes . I feel like a bad person

@Missemily I understand! At the end of the day, you have to try and step away from doing the things you're used to doing - clearly our compulsions do not work, so despite the fear of trying an alternative, we have all the evidence we need to know intellectually what we need to do. Try to focus on acceptance rather than investigation, rumination and reassurance - they do not work! Acceptance is the key to all of OCD.

@Jay1421 Thank you it really sucks I feel like a evil cheater or something . It makes me not only obsess but also self-hate .

@Missemily In my opinion, self-hate is actually at the core of OCD, not the other way around (that OCD causes self-hate). Obviously it makes you feel worse, but I feel like the themes are often our minds way of trying to 'justify' a feeling that is already there. If we hate ourselves but don't know why, our mind creates these illusions (themes) to try and fill in the blanks. Once we begin to work on loving ourselves, by being compassionate, patient and calm with ourselves, 'OCD' slips away as it is no longer needed.

@Jay1421 Makes a lot of sense thank you for your help I’ll try to keep these in mind