This monster is killing me inside 💔😭
OMG! I needed to hear this...Im so convinced I'm gay it's not even funny. Every morning I wake up the first thought is "I'm gay" and I can barely get out of bed. Every day I want to tell my girlfriend I'm gay but I know there is no going back after that and I'm afraid of losing her... I just wrote my therapist. I'm so close to just wanting to end my life or end my relationship so I can go off and do all the gay things I need to do in order to be certain. I'm extremely afraid this isn't OCD and I'm just wasting my money being in denial. This has been an extremely rough morning for me. My thoughts are becoming more and more extreme
Brad, I really want you to know that you're not alone and everything you wrote is how I feel also. I'm scared. But you helped me get out of bed this morning
It is good to know that I’m not the only one. Im just so confused like whenever I have a thought about running off and doing these things I get so anxious like my whole Body starts to burn and I can’t breathe. But it feels like I still want to do it regardless? It’s like what is the OCD talking. When I think about staying with my gf I don’t get anxious, but it feels like a lie when I do.
Yup! I get anxious around my girlfriend, I feel like everything I say to her is a compulsion (for the most part) and what is really freaking me out now is giving into the gay thoughts is giving me a mix of relief AND anxiety. Like I feel relief if I give into some extreme gay thoughts but would rather kill myself than give in
It’s strange because I feel comfortable around my girlfriend and when I’m with her I want to do all the intimate things but I get so scared of the thoughts flooding in that I avoid it. If I try and think of ‘gay thoughts’ it feels like I want to but if I try to I can only do it for a few seconds because I have a panic attack? But the fact I may want to really bothers me and I don’t want to feel this way. But I don’t know if this all just one big compulsion to run away from my relationship like I often do when they get ‘good.’ Like is this all just my brain convincing me I need to run again. I’d like to think that’s what it is and it gives me slight relief thinking that but I don’t know if that’s just me hiding behind the OCD curtain
This relationship I'm currently in is the best one I've ever been in and has the potential to go the distance. She's a unicorn. Thinking that my brain is doing its best to get me to run away is also a common factor for me. I've never had these thoughts EVER in my head...despite always being around my guy friends, drunk, high, on psychedelics, naked....
Yea! Same here. I really thought I had found ‘the one’ she was the first person I felt as if everything was going to be perfect with. Then my ROCD kicked in which was then followed by HOCD. I had never had same sex fantasies before. I had noticed if a guy was attractive when watching porn or something but the thought of ‘being with them’ had literally never crossed my mind. But now it’s all I can think about. I had had problems in the bedroom when I was younger due to medical reasons but again when I met my gf all of these seemed to go away (and again hence why I was so happy), I no longer had troubles in the bedroom and was always in the moment. I’d actually sometimes cry afterwards just at how in love I felt (sorry to get emotional). Then when the ROCD kicked in all my insecurities started coming up.
Don't apologize. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear your post this morning. I was close to ending it one way or another...and after reading your post I felt some strength to pull myself together even if for the moment and make it one more day. I wish we didn't have to go through this BS and could just have a normal relationship with our preferred gender without having to battle our mind.
How old are you? I'm 31
I’m 20 but I’ve had OCD since I was around 10. Out of interest when you read posts on here, do you ever feel like your HOCD/OCD must be completely different to everyone else’s?
Yes, I've never puked due to the anxiety. I've also experimented with another boy when I was young like 8-10 years old. I don't always get anxiety like I said, sometimes the thoughts bring me a sense of relief although I don't want to agree with them. There are some similarities but also some differences. One of my big things is I'm always noticing guys first if there were a male and female walking down the street. I'm also able to find something attractive about any male yet struggle to find something attractive about almost any female.
Oh yeah I get this. I literally was talking to an 80 year old man yesterday and my brain just went “see you find him attractive you want someone like this,” and it’s like literally anyone. I sometimes try and really take a closer look and realise I don’t find them attractive but even that sort of makes the OCD worse? It’s like it’s saying “well if you can have it… I’ll make you want it more.”
My thing is, I have always gone against the grain my whole life. Never once gave a fuck about what people think about me. This is the first time something doesn't line up with what I truly want out of life. First time I've REALLY felt out of synch with my own beliefs. I also have NEVER found myself noticing men first...its been the most upsetting part of this whole thing....sure, I don't have to find every female attractive but shit, even that tattooed fresh out of prison dude who I know is not a great person is drawing my attention and it sucks.
Hey guys! I’m sorry to see you guys struggling so much! I also suffer from SOOCD & ROCD. It’s been hell. I suggest you guys listen to the podcast The OCD stories episode #212 where Stephen Smith ( the founder of NOCD) talks about his struggles with SOOCD & ROCD! I know it seems like we can’t get there it but we can!
This is powerful and I'm glad you had the chance to get the feels out. This really demonstrates how debilitating OCD can get, how it just makes your world smaller and smaller until you have nothing left but the compulsions as you've said. OCD is almost like a drug or substance user disorder, you feel like you need it and you need it more and more until you have nothing left to make you feel better and its taken away everything. I hope you know that you aren't alone and I challenge you to take it one step at a time. Try out the free tools on our app if you haven't already. The SOS function is great. Our live Q and A webinars are also amazing resources for you if you need additional education or support. And finally we are always here if and when you are ever ready to take that step for treatment.