- Date posted
- 3y
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey guys! I’m sorry to see you guys struggling so much! I also suffer from SOOCD & ROCD. It’s been hell. I suggest you guys listen to the podcast The OCD stories episode #212 where Stephen Smith ( the founder of NOCD) talks about his struggles with SOOCD & ROCD! I know it seems like we can’t get there it but we can!
- Date posted
- 3y
This monster is killing me inside 💔😭
- Date posted
- 3y
OMG! I needed to hear this...Im so convinced I'm gay it's not even funny. Every morning I wake up the first thought is "I'm gay" and I can barely get out of bed. Every day I want to tell my girlfriend I'm gay but I know there is no going back after that and I'm afraid of losing her... I just wrote my therapist. I'm so close to just wanting to end my life or end my relationship so I can go off and do all the gay things I need to do in order to be certain. I'm extremely afraid this isn't OCD and I'm just wasting my money being in denial. This has been an extremely rough morning for me. My thoughts are becoming more and more extreme
- Date posted
- 3y
Brad, I really want you to know that you're not alone and everything you wrote is how I feel also. I'm scared. But you helped me get out of bed this morning
- Date posted
- 3y
It is good to know that I’m not the only one. Im just so confused like whenever I have a thought about running off and doing these things I get so anxious like my whole Body starts to burn and I can’t breathe. But it feels like I still want to do it regardless? It’s like what is the OCD talking. When I think about staying with my gf I don’t get anxious, but it feels like a lie when I do.
- Date posted
- 3y
Yup! I get anxious around my girlfriend, I feel like everything I say to her is a compulsion (for the most part) and what is really freaking me out now is giving into the gay thoughts is giving me a mix of relief AND anxiety. Like I feel relief if I give into some extreme gay thoughts but would rather kill myself than give in
- Date posted
- 3y
It’s strange because I feel comfortable around my girlfriend and when I’m with her I want to do all the intimate things but I get so scared of the thoughts flooding in that I avoid it. If I try and think of ‘gay thoughts’ it feels like I want to but if I try to I can only do it for a few seconds because I have a panic attack? But the fact I may want to really bothers me and I don’t want to feel this way. But I don’t know if this all just one big compulsion to run away from my relationship like I often do when they get ‘good.’ Like is this all just my brain convincing me I need to run again. I’d like to think that’s what it is and it gives me slight relief thinking that but I don’t know if that’s just me hiding behind the OCD curtain
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes, I've never puked due to the anxiety. I've also experimented with another boy when I was young like 8-10 years old. I don't always get anxiety like I said, sometimes the thoughts bring me a sense of relief although I don't want to agree with them. There are some similarities but also some differences. One of my big things is I'm always noticing guys first if there were a male and female walking down the street. I'm also able to find something attractive about any male yet struggle to find something attractive about almost any female.
- Date posted
- 3y
This relationship I'm currently in is the best one I've ever been in and has the potential to go the distance. She's a unicorn. Thinking that my brain is doing its best to get me to run away is also a common factor for me. I've never had these thoughts EVER in my head...despite always being around my guy friends, drunk, high, on psychedelics, naked....
- Date posted
- 3y
Yea! Same here. I really thought I had found ‘the one’ she was the first person I felt as if everything was going to be perfect with. Then my ROCD kicked in which was then followed by HOCD. I had never had same sex fantasies before. I had noticed if a guy was attractive when watching porn or something but the thought of ‘being with them’ had literally never crossed my mind. But now it’s all I can think about. I had had problems in the bedroom when I was younger due to medical reasons but again when I met my gf all of these seemed to go away (and again hence why I was so happy), I no longer had troubles in the bedroom and was always in the moment. I’d actually sometimes cry afterwards just at how in love I felt (sorry to get emotional). Then when the ROCD kicked in all my insecurities started coming up.
- Date posted
- 3y
Don't apologize. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear your post this morning. I was close to ending it one way or another...and after reading your post I felt some strength to pull myself together even if for the moment and make it one more day. I wish we didn't have to go through this BS and could just have a normal relationship with our preferred gender without having to battle our mind.
- Date posted
- 3y
How old are you? I'm 31
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m 20 but I’ve had OCD since I was around 10. Out of interest when you read posts on here, do you ever feel like your HOCD/OCD must be completely different to everyone else’s?
- Date posted
- 3y
Oh yeah I get this. I literally was talking to an 80 year old man yesterday and my brain just went “see you find him attractive you want someone like this,” and it’s like literally anyone. I sometimes try and really take a closer look and realise I don’t find them attractive but even that sort of makes the OCD worse? It’s like it’s saying “well if you can have it… I’ll make you want it more.”
- Date posted
- 3y
My thing is, I have always gone against the grain my whole life. Never once gave a fuck about what people think about me. This is the first time something doesn't line up with what I truly want out of life. First time I've REALLY felt out of synch with my own beliefs. I also have NEVER found myself noticing men first...its been the most upsetting part of this whole thing....sure, I don't have to find every female attractive but shit, even that tattooed fresh out of prison dude who I know is not a great person is drawing my attention and it sucks.
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 3y
This is powerful and I'm glad you had the chance to get the feels out. This really demonstrates how debilitating OCD can get, how it just makes your world smaller and smaller until you have nothing left but the compulsions as you've said. OCD is almost like a drug or substance user disorder, you feel like you need it and you need it more and more until you have nothing left to make you feel better and its taken away everything. I hope you know that you aren't alone and I challenge you to take it one step at a time. Try out the free tools on our app if you haven't already. The SOS function is great. Our live Q and A webinars are also amazing resources for you if you need additional education or support. And finally we are always here if and when you are ever ready to take that step for treatment.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
- Date posted
- 20w
I think I may have SO-OCD and OCD in general. At a young age fear of death. I use to tap my heart 8 times (lucky number) for each person I loved. Then I think I suffered with ROCD and HOCD when I was 18 after 2 bad relationships who they ran off with a ‘close’ friend at the time. I’ve struggled with OCD and these HOCD/ SO-OCD about 12 years ago but the HOCD went and the ROCD came back and forth. I did previously last year have a Fear of death of my children with alligators going on holiday after reading a bad article in Florida which lasted few months. Briefly Started with ‘R-OCD’ again but went pretty quickly. Am I good enough for my partner? Is she going to leave me? What if she finds someone else? Though I saw a picture of a good looking male on a social media which my Brian instantly questioned if I was gay, panic and anxiety which lead to which I think is SO-OCD and HOCD. An obsession is an unwanted and unpleasant thought, image or urge that repeatedly enters my mind, causing feelings of anxiety, disgust or unease. A compulsion is a repetitive behaviour or mental act that you feel you need to do to temporarily relieve the unpleasant feelings brought on by the obsessive thought. I’m stuck in obsessive doubt around my sexual identity, even though I say that deep down i know what my sexual identity is but even this is being questioned at the minute and I want to cry. I have always, always been interested in women. That much I would say I had a sex addiction. My attraction to the opposite sex has pretty much disappeared. I have a fleeting thought of attraction which will set off a cascade of doubt and terror which some thoughts/ feelings make me physically sick. I’m scared of going out in public or even looking at people especially men for the fear of false attraction. I try to do ERP when I do have moments but it makes me want to be sick. My brain feels like it’s in a clamp and I can’t stop the constant thoughts. It feels like something is my head has stopped or not working correctly. Even at night. Every time I wake my chest seems to feel strange and the thoughts are suddenly there. I’ve tried ERP but it makes me want to be sick even when it subsides. I am still continuing this but I feel so drained. I just want to be myself again who I was 3 months ago. I hate that this has happened and I feel that I can’t cope, can’t be the husband I want to be, can’t be the father I want and was. These are my main issues at the moment; false attraction to pretty much any male even voices, decrease attraction in opposite gender, severe anxiety, I can’t sleep or eat, constant thoughts 24/7 and scenarios, groinal responses, seavere recriminatory thinking, I hate myself, I even have false attraction to myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? I just want to be the husband and father I was a few months ago!
- Date posted
- 20w
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
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