BradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y
LoverGirlLoverGirl
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Hey guys! I’m sorry to see you guys struggling so much! I also suffer from SOOCD & ROCD. It’s been hell. I suggest you guys listen to the podcast The OCD stories episode #212 where Stephen Smith ( the founder of NOCD) talks about his struggles with SOOCD & ROCD! I know it seems like we can’t get there it but we can!
india05india05
- Date posted
- 3y
This monster is killing me inside 💔😭
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
OMG! I needed to hear this...Im so convinced I'm gay it's not even funny. Every morning I wake up the first thought is "I'm gay" and I can barely get out of bed. Every day I want to tell my girlfriend I'm gay but I know there is no going back after that and I'm afraid of losing her... I just wrote my therapist. I'm so close to just wanting to end my life or end my relationship so I can go off and do all the gay things I need to do in order to be certain. I'm extremely afraid this isn't OCD and I'm just wasting my money being in denial. This has been an extremely rough morning for me. My thoughts are becoming more and more extreme
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
Brad, I really want you to know that you're not alone and everything you wrote is how I feel also. I'm scared. But you helped me get out of bed this morning
BradOCDBradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y
It is good to know that I’m not the only one. Im just so confused like whenever I have a thought about running off and doing these things I get so anxious like my whole Body starts to burn and I can’t breathe. But it feels like I still want to do it regardless? It’s like what is the OCD talking. When I think about staying with my gf I don’t get anxious, but it feels like a lie when I do.
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
Yup! I get anxious around my girlfriend, I feel like everything I say to her is a compulsion (for the most part) and what is really freaking me out now is giving into the gay thoughts is giving me a mix of relief AND anxiety. Like I feel relief if I give into some extreme gay thoughts but would rather kill myself than give in
BradOCDBradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y
It’s strange because I feel comfortable around my girlfriend and when I’m with her I want to do all the intimate things but I get so scared of the thoughts flooding in that I avoid it. If I try and think of ‘gay thoughts’ it feels like I want to but if I try to I can only do it for a few seconds because I have a panic attack? But the fact I may want to really bothers me and I don’t want to feel this way. But I don’t know if this all just one big compulsion to run away from my relationship like I often do when they get ‘good.’ Like is this all just my brain convincing me I need to run again. I’d like to think that’s what it is and it gives me slight relief thinking that but I don’t know if that’s just me hiding behind the OCD curtain
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes, I've never puked due to the anxiety. I've also experimented with another boy when I was young like 8-10 years old. I don't always get anxiety like I said, sometimes the thoughts bring me a sense of relief although I don't want to agree with them. There are some similarities but also some differences. One of my big things is I'm always noticing guys first if there were a male and female walking down the street. I'm also able to find something attractive about any male yet struggle to find something attractive about almost any female.
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
This relationship I'm currently in is the best one I've ever been in and has the potential to go the distance. She's a unicorn. Thinking that my brain is doing its best to get me to run away is also a common factor for me. I've never had these thoughts EVER in my head...despite always being around my guy friends, drunk, high, on psychedelics, naked....
BradOCDBradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y
Yea! Same here. I really thought I had found ‘the one’ she was the first person I felt as if everything was going to be perfect with. Then my ROCD kicked in which was then followed by HOCD. I had never had same sex fantasies before. I had noticed if a guy was attractive when watching porn or something but the thought of ‘being with them’ had literally never crossed my mind. But now it’s all I can think about. I had had problems in the bedroom when I was younger due to medical reasons but again when I met my gf all of these seemed to go away (and again hence why I was so happy), I no longer had troubles in the bedroom and was always in the moment. I’d actually sometimes cry afterwards just at how in love I felt (sorry to get emotional). Then when the ROCD kicked in all my insecurities started coming up.
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
Don't apologize. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear your post this morning. I was close to ending it one way or another...and after reading your post I felt some strength to pull myself together even if for the moment and make it one more day. I wish we didn't have to go through this BS and could just have a normal relationship with our preferred gender without having to battle our mind.
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
How old are you? I'm 31
BradOCDBradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y
I’m 20 but I’ve had OCD since I was around 10. Out of interest when you read posts on here, do you ever feel like your HOCD/OCD must be completely different to everyone else’s?
BradOCDBradOCD
- Date posted
- 3y
Oh yeah I get this. I literally was talking to an 80 year old man yesterday and my brain just went “see you find him attractive you want someone like this,” and it’s like literally anyone. I sometimes try and really take a closer look and realise I don’t find them attractive but even that sort of makes the OCD worse? It’s like it’s saying “well if you can have it… I’ll make you want it more.”
Sparker1289Sparker1289
- Date posted
- 3y
My thing is, I have always gone against the grain my whole life. Never once gave a fuck about what people think about me. This is the first time something doesn't line up with what I truly want out of life. First time I've REALLY felt out of synch with my own beliefs. I also have NEVER found myself noticing men first...its been the most upsetting part of this whole thing....sure, I don't have to find every female attractive but shit, even that tattooed fresh out of prison dude who I know is not a great person is drawing my attention and it sucks.
Jenna OverbaughJenna Overbaugh
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 3y
This is powerful and I'm glad you had the chance to get the feels out. This really demonstrates how debilitating OCD can get, how it just makes your world smaller and smaller until you have nothing left but the compulsions as you've said. OCD is almost like a drug or substance user disorder, you feel like you need it and you need it more and more until you have nothing left to make you feel better and its taken away everything. I hope you know that you aren't alone and I challenge you to take it one step at a time. Try out the free tools on our app if you haven't already. The SOS function is great. Our live Q and A webinars are also amazing resources for you if you need additional education or support. And finally we are always here if and when you are ever ready to take that step for treatment.
Related posts
Ellie.
- Date posted
- 24w
I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
Luke_McElwee
- Date posted
- 19w
Losing my shit, freaking out
Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.
geodrimilis
- Date posted
- 13w
I need this to end.
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
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