HOCD I’m so done with you. You’ve taken everything away from me and every day you make it harder to disbelieve you. I was so happy in my relationship, I was happy with my career. Now I wake up anxious and just don’t want to face the day. Now every little action that goes on in my life is sexualised. It’s become my life… just checking. And the worst thing is all I’ve got left is my compulsions. Because if I didn’t have them I’d probably fully believe you. People on here talk about suppressed sexuality/fluidity. Well I don’t want mine to change, I was perfectly happy going through my life with confidence, OCD was manageable to the point I forgot I had it. And the worst part is you’ve dug up all this stuff that I don’t even see how I can to back to how things were. How will I ever have my old life back when you’ve convinced me it was all one big lie! I had just got to the happiest stage of my life, ready to settle down, I wanted it so badly. And now You’ve taken that away as well, I don’t even know if I want it anymore. Sometimes you even make me resent my partner, telling me that if she wasn’t there I could go and live my ‘gay life.’ Well I never asked for that and never wanted it, had never thought about it. But months of HOCD later it’s all I can think about, now it feels like I do want that, like I do resent my partner. I can’t even kiss her anymore without you filling my head with thoughts. I want to be intimate with her but I can’t, I want to find the excitement and spark again but I can’t and yano what I’ve given up on it coming back! Thanks a bunch brain

Hey guys! I’m sorry to see you guys struggling so much! I also suffer from SOOCD & ROCD. It’s been hell. I suggest you guys listen to the podcast The OCD stories episode #212 where Stephen Smith ( the founder of NOCD) talks about his struggles with SOOCD & ROCD! I know it seems like we can’t get there it but we can!

This monster is killing me inside 💔😭

OMG! I needed to hear this...Im so convinced I'm gay it's not even funny. Every morning I wake up the first thought is "I'm gay" and I can barely get out of bed. Every day I want to tell my girlfriend I'm gay but I know there is no going back after that and I'm afraid of losing her... I just wrote my therapist. I'm so close to just wanting to end my life or end my relationship so I can go off and do all the gay things I need to do in order to be certain. I'm extremely afraid this isn't OCD and I'm just wasting my money being in denial. This has been an extremely rough morning for me. My thoughts are becoming more and more extreme

Brad, I really want you to know that you're not alone and everything you wrote is how I feel also. I'm scared. But you helped me get out of bed this morning

Yup! I get anxious around my girlfriend, I feel like everything I say to her is a compulsion (for the most part) and what is really freaking me out now is giving into the gay thoughts is giving me a mix of relief AND anxiety. Like I feel relief if I give into some extreme gay thoughts but would rather kill myself than give in

Yes, I've never puked due to the anxiety. I've also experimented with another boy when I was young like 8-10 years old. I don't always get anxiety like I said, sometimes the thoughts bring me a sense of relief although I don't want to agree with them. There are some similarities but also some differences. One of my big things is I'm always noticing guys first if there were a male and female walking down the street. I'm also able to find something attractive about any male yet struggle to find something attractive about almost any female.

This relationship I'm currently in is the best one I've ever been in and has the potential to go the distance. She's a unicorn. Thinking that my brain is doing its best to get me to run away is also a common factor for me. I've never had these thoughts EVER in my head...despite always being around my guy friends, drunk, high, on psychedelics, naked....

Don't apologize. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear your post this morning. I was close to ending it one way or another...and after reading your post I felt some strength to pull myself together even if for the moment and make it one more day. I wish we didn't have to go through this BS and could just have a normal relationship with our preferred gender without having to battle our mind.

How old are you? I'm 31

Oh yeah I get this. I literally was talking to an 80 year old man yesterday and my brain just went “see you find him attractive you want someone like this,” and it’s like literally anyone. I sometimes try and really take a closer look and realise I don’t find them attractive but even that sort of makes the OCD worse? It’s like it’s saying “well if you can have it… I’ll make you want it more.”

My thing is, I have always gone against the grain my whole life. Never once gave a fuck about what people think about me. This is the first time something doesn't line up with what I truly want out of life. First time I've REALLY felt out of synch with my own beliefs. I also have NEVER found myself noticing men first...its been the most upsetting part of this whole thing....sure, I don't have to find every female attractive but shit, even that tattooed fresh out of prison dude who I know is not a great person is drawing my attention and it sucks.

This is powerful and I'm glad you had the chance to get the feels out. This really demonstrates how debilitating OCD can get, how it just makes your world smaller and smaller until you have nothing left but the compulsions as you've said. OCD is almost like a drug or substance user disorder, you feel like you need it and you need it more and more until you have nothing left to make you feel better and its taken away everything. I hope you know that you aren't alone and I challenge you to take it one step at a time. Try out the free tools on our app if you haven't already. The SOS function is great. Our live Q and A webinars are also amazing resources for you if you need additional education or support. And finally we are always here if and when you are ever ready to take that step for treatment.