Is this ROCD or not? I continuously keep having doubts about my feelings for my boyfriend. I’ve never had this before with my previous relationships and it’s really upsetting because this is the first boy that’s actually treating me like how i deserve. I feel like i’m in a bubble when it’s to do with him. I feel like i can’t emotionally get to him or connect to him. Whenever I think about him or see photos of him i get anxious and stuff. I know i want to be with him forever and i panic about it going wrong. I’m scared i’m going to end up giving in to the doubts and end it😞Whenever i think about the future it makes me anxious, it’s like i’m turning my emotions off. I keep crying after being intimate with him and i don’t know why, i’m panicking it’s because i’m losing feelings for him. I look at other couples and ask myself why am i not like them, why am i not in love like them. They make it look easy and it’s making me doubt everything. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and it’s amazing when i don’t have these horrendous doubts. He’s so patient with me and he loves me and worships the ground that I walk on yet and I still have these doubts. They came when our relationship started getting serious. I keep asking my friends and mum for reassurance if i love him and it’s making me so so sad. I feel like if i love him i shouldn’t be having these feelings. He’s not done anything wrong and i feel so guilty for it. Is this OCD or me? Plz help :(

I don’t understand how my boyfriend can love me so much after everything I put him through. He constantly shows me how much he loves me, yet I feel like I can’t fully appreciate it. I can’t explain how badly I behave towards him when these thoughts take over, how often I lash out because of them, and how many times I’ve told him exactly what’s on my mind. He tries to use logic to help me, but it never seems to work. And now, even as I’m writing this, I feel like crying—yet at the same time, my mind tells me that I don’t care. This horrible feeling inside me won’t go away. I keep thinking, “What if I don’t like him?” That thought is always there. I wonder if I had unrealistic expectations about this relationship from the beginning, since he is my first boyfriend. What if I convinced myself I liked him just because I wanted my first relationship to be perfect? And now, I just can’t accept the truth? It scares me even more knowing that he moved to my city for me. I feel like I’m constantly upset, constantly sad. And despite everything, he’s always there for me. That makes me feel even worse because I don’t know what to do to feel okay again. Every time I talk to him, I get this strange feeling inside me, and I’m terrified that it means my thoughts are actually true. He tells me that my happiness shouldn’t depend only on him, that I should focus on more than just this relationship—because for over a year now, my mind has been stuck in an endless loop of questioning whether I love him or not. He asks me, “Who are you fighting? Why do you care so much? You’ve been asking yourself the same question for over a year—shouldn’t you know the answer by now?” And my response is always, “Because I want to be with you.” But then, when I try to answer whether I like him or not, more doubts take over. I start thinking, “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him. Maybe I just want to keep this relationship perfect.” The worst part is that he has never done anything wrong. He has always been patient, kind, and loving, yet I feel so lost. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand what I feel. And I don’t understand why I can’t understand what I feel. He also tells me that ever since I started reading so much about relationships and OCD online, I have gotten worse. And he’s right. I have become much worse than I was before. The problem is that before, I thought I was at my worst, but looking back, I was still able to feel happiness at times. Now, I feel completely stuck. I don’t know if I’m crying because I hate this feeling, or because I don’t want to think this way about him. It feels like I don’t even know what’s happening to me anymore.

I just read a post that said “people with ROCD know they love their partners” right when I read it I got this horrible anxiety feeling rush down into my stomach. My partner asked me to be his girlfriend in December and literally since that night It’s like a switch of doubt turned on and I was suffering with consistent doubt about loving my partner, I felt like I didn’t feel anything anymore and I didn’t know what to do and through out the past months it has been an absolute wave of things going on. He is aware of my ocd and in a way I’m glad that this happened because I have had harm ocd for the past 4-5 years and had no idea what it was until 2 months ago when I got an OCD therapist, I just thought I was crazy so I’m happy to know I’m not. Buuuuttt back to the ROCD, my main thoughts and feelings are about not feeling like i love my partner anymore and if we’re compatible, I hyper fixate on the weight he’s gained in the past few months and all the bad food he eats, I think about if our lives even align, we have very different views on some things but are we too different, what if we really don’t know each other at all and we thought we did because we’ve been best friends for 10 years. This is so frustrating because I’ve gotten to the point where my anxiety is barely there, I was have constant outrageous anxiety for 3-4 months and now I’ve gotten to this numb, I literally feel absolutely nothing feeling and it’s not even with just my boyfriend it’s with everything, I just don’t feel happy with anything anymore, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. We got into an argument the other day about how rude I was and I didn’t even feel sad or apologetic when he was talking to me about it, and I couldn’t stop crying, like I just don’t feel anything. I feel like there’s something really wrong with me. All I can describe it as is “blank” does that make sense? I feel like a bad person and I feel like we’re going to break up and I can tell how sad he is. All I do know is that I don’t want to break up. But anytime I think about him or anything along the lines of my ROCD everything like freaks me out. I like scream “NO” and “STOP” in my head all the time. But it’s starting to really feel real. I’m so scared, and now I read that post that said that “people with ROCD know they love their partner” but WHAT IF I DONT KNOW!!! I WANT TO LOVE MY PARTNER. I want to feel the love I had for him before this all started. We were so happy, and we didn’t even get the honey moon phase because my ROCD started right when we made it official. This is seriously so crippling.

Okay. This might be a little long. Basically I’m just wondering if this is really ROCD or if I officially lost feelings for my current boyfriend. BACKGROUND ABOUT ME: I assume this might help whoever reads this, and that may explain my situation. Long story short I have bad anxiety and OCD about intrusive thoughts. I figured out about my anxiety from a therapist after it started to get really bad when I was in middle school. However I figured out about my OCD this year. Before middle school I started to get anxiety from my dad. My parents divorced and he was an emotional abuser and very narcissistic. So since I was little I was always careful on what I did and said. And then another topic is that I had an ex bf who acted close to him. He was very insecure so he was controlling over me and was narcissistic and also emotionally abusive towards me. Always played the victim, etc. So he kind of traumatized me because we fought daily and just the way he treated me. My current bf is a green flag to me. We don’t fight, he is kind, understanding, funny. He checks all my boxes. Me and him were friends for about a year before we considered being together. 2 MONTHS AGO: this is when it started. It was a Sunday and me and him were going to an event at my school. It was for seniors because we were graduating the Sunday coming up. And we hung out the past 2 days and from what I remember things were like they were. Me and him were about to hit 8months the up coming Monday and I did understand that’s the time where the “honeymoon” phase becomes more.. I’ll say realistic? Anyway, we were close to leaving and something in my gut was off. Idk what it was. Idk if I was nervous for the event or something. But I just had a weird feeling. Again I have bad anxiety and OCD so I was scared about all the kids that were there. I don’t know. Anyway we left and when got to about 3 minutes away from our location my bf turns to me in the car and tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me. Then the thought “idk if I love you the same anymore” came in my head. And my gut feeling worsened. It was unnoticeable before but after he said that and I thought what I thought it got so much worse. Like it was sickening for me. I I love you back immediately but that thought.. I didn’t let it go. I couldn’t enjoy the night at all. I tried to act like everything was fine but inside I was suffering. Later that night he took me home. And I couldn’t get rid of that thought in my head. We FaceTimed a bit later like we did almost every night but I couldn’t be on the phone. Every time I looked at him I felt guilty and that thought kept coming back that I lost my love for him. So about 5-10 mins later I told him I was tired, said our goodnights and hung up. I cried. I didn’t like what I was feeling and I didn’t know what it meant. It was hard to fall asleep but once I did I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the thought about my bf. I got up to splash water in my face to cool me off because I was sweating. I got ready for school and I was crying I was confused, worried, I didn’t even know. I cried to my mom later and she didn’t know what to say or do. I cried all day at school and my gut feeling was horrible. I’ve never had it as bad as I did the first few days after this started. PRESENT(2months later): I already typed a lot so I don’t want to make entire book. But now, it’s like the gut feeling is there but tolerable. I still get the thoughts and the gut feeling does worsen a bit when my bf texts me and I see his face in photos and such. Or even think about him. My main concern is that we are supposed to go on a trip together next month and before this happened I was so excited to go with him. And now it’s like “what if I’m not better” “I don’t love him anymore to go with him.” Idk what to do. It’s like a chore for everything, when I text him, hanging out, calling him. Everything. Idk why to do. Idk if it’s because I was reck for the event or because of graduation and needed a reason for my nervousness? Idk. He didn’t do anything, he hasn’t done a single thing but be there for me. As much as I’ve been there for him. I don’t want to lose him. There is more to this story so if you want to ask go for it. I know this is hella long so. But I just want the help. Please let me know!!