I dont feel well, I feel extremely ill from the panic and anxiety attack I had last night. The transgender thing really triggered me and i genuinely believe thats the real me. My future isnt looking good, this isnt even an ocd topic anymore but I dont want to leave this app. What am I going to do from now on? I have register for spring semester but how when condiyion is like this? Wtf my body feels weak, what has happened to me.

Hello, Imaan7, Please forgive me if I oversimplify, or any inaccuracy that might come from not knowing who you are, your history, etc. I think that it could be helpful to think about things that you can do in the short term, and things you can do in a longer-term basis. You need both, because you need relief NOW, but you also need a path that will allow you to dig deeper into the very root of your suffering. In the short term, as another answer says: go for a walk; listen to your favorite music; hang out with people who support you; watch silly cat videos on YouTube; etc. Please try to surround yourself with people that want you to be happy and at peace. Hanging in this forum is a very valid strategy; please don't feel embarrassed because I'm sure that almost everybody who ends up in a place like this has gone through so much difficult stuff that compassion is the very soul of NOCD. In the longer term, I would like to offer you the following thoughts that have helped me so much. Everything that I say here has its roots in Buddhism, but please don't think that I am trying to turn this into religious talk; I consider myself a pragmatic that takes critically from whatever source works and makes sense. The first thing I would like you to think about is a very simple but powerful mantra that in our western culture we are not taught to apply in our life: IT IS OK TO FEEL IT. Are you feeling embarrassed? IT'S OK TO FEEL IT. Are you feeling anger, frustration, resentment, envy? IT'S OK TO FEEL IT. Are you feeling like your whole world is collapsing and that life is just too hard? IT'S OK TO FEEL IT. Do you feel like ending your life? Please, be kind and tell yourself: IT IS OK TO FEEL IT! the most perverse legacy of western culture is the deeply rooted belief that certain feelings are wrong and shouldn't happen. Next, I would like you to ponder over the following idea. Just begin to entertain this at your own pace; no need to rush anything: the problem is not what you are feeling, but your relationship towards what you are feeling. By relationship I mean what are your reactions to them, if your reaction is one of aversion and negation of what is currently happening, or whether it is on of gentle acknowledgment and acceptance. It is very common in the west to have an unwise relationship to these, so we are in the habit of having a negating relationship, that is, we deny, deeply, through our minds and bodies, our current experience. Of course, cultivating a different relationship to our experience is not done overnight, but I assure you that it is possible. When we cultivate a wiser relationship towards thoughts and feelings, we stop struggling and begin to understand a deeper sense of genuine acceptance. By acceptance I don't mean that you remain passive and not try to change anything that you think is worth changing. But this is very different from denying and feeling aversion towards your CURRENT experience. Your current experience is what it is, and any aversion or negation about it will only make things worse. Lastly, there is another very powerful tool that I think is of fundamental importance in the well-being of all of us: self-compassion. In the west we are in the habit of self-judgement and self-hatred. I know this firsthand because it has been a significant part of my life: I used to hate myself in a way that I wouldn't hate on even my worst enemy. But here is the important thing to know: you CAN cultivate a wiser relationship towards yourself (you can train your inner voice, so to speak). Buddhists monks usually have difficulties when addressing westerners and being asked about self-hatred (they literally think there has been a mistranslation and need to clarify with the translator). They just don't know what self-hatred is; it isn't in the radar of their emotional framework, is is just inconceivable to them that somebody would treat themselves so badly. Again, this is something you cultivate and learn to do, not something that some very fortunate people are born with and the rest of us can't access. Please, begin to love yourself without any reservation. Try to bring to mind that person that you love and want happiness for, somebody you just love unconditionally. Now imagine feeling that by default towards yourself. It is possible, I guarantee you that, and the payoff is beyond your imagination (it sounds so simple that we might dismiss it, but this "loving-kindness" is beginning to integrate into the mainstream of western mental health.) Please, don't rush it, don't think that you must know the answers right away. Also, know that there are very powerful tools that can address even the deepest levels of despair and suffering. If any of this you find promising, you might, at your own pace, begin to read about mindfulness, which is the western import of very profound buddhist teachings. If you don't like religion and are a more secular, logical person, know that so-called "third wave therapies" in psychology offer you these tools, and hundreds of high-quality studies that already support all of this. There is much you can do, and freedom beyond your wildest dreams, if you just begin to take some time to understand your mind. One step at a time :) I wish you the very best.

Worst part is I feel shame and embarrassment about the trans thing and i also thought about the religious and societal of it amidst the panic attack last night and how If i was rich and lived a totally different country where no one knew me Id be ok with being trans. My attraction to women has completely dissappeared, even during my worst hocd times I felt some sort of superficial attraction but last 2 days its vanished. I dont know what to do, this is not what I expected my life to be when I moved to america as an immigrant, I wanted to have a good life and provide for my family. This is all too much.

I litetally dont even feel like a male anymore, what even is this

I'm really wishing you the best. And I'm sorry you feel this way. Please don't leave this app if it brings you comfort.

I think it may be time to call the hospital. They will help u and figure out what you need to do from there. It may not be what u want but it sounds like what u need.

Ok well go for a walk and i challenge u instead of trying worryinf what if i am gay or trans, focus on a few sounds around u and try and ground urself. Worry about nothing but whats going on around u and see how it feels.