✋ I’m a serial Job quitter. I have my consult call tomorrow. I don’t know why but I go through spells where I work about 3 months and then I call off , anxiety sets in, & I quit. I’m so sick of this cycle. The anxiety is through the roof! It’s no wonder my blood pressure is so high. I hate this. Everyone I love leaves me and I’m lonely. I know GOD is with me but I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to believe at this moment because of what my brain tells me to be true. My mom used to get mad at me when I was young she’d say… “we shoulda got a check for yo ass” It even became a joke when I got older cuz my parents claimed they were worried about me but was proud I was maintaining. Unbeknownst to them… depression was fully onset and my place was atrocious. Lived in a boarding house with the bed on the floor and mice in the ceilings. Room was always dirty. Shared a bathroom and that was never clean and my neighbors were on heroin. Met my wife and she saved me by moving me in with her but my symptoms kept getting worse and now I’m alone trying to figure this out. The only reason I won’t KILL MYSELF is because I want to prove everyone wrong about me but most days I feel they are right. I don’t know why I’m sharing this cuz I usually just help everyone else with their problems and give advice, but I DON’T WANT TO DIE, so this seems to be the right thing to do.

In having suicidal thoughts. And i wouldn’t ever do anything to myself but I sometimes wish a bus would hit me or something to end my pain. It’s a dark feeling. My ex that played with me and I thought was gonna be my husband is secretly married with two kids, and was chasing his ex after a drunk outburst I had from depression. He put me through mental abuse and I was jobless and financially dependent on him. Deep on the inside I felt like I didn’t deserve better than him because when I was working multiple jobs and in debt once a friend told me to try a sugar baby site. I couldn’t make it past two disgusting sexual encounters in a motel room and a bar basement. My dad has beat me up at the time and was emotionally abusive so I was in a rebellious period of my life where I wanted quick money to leave the house, except I was only conned and not paid and just used. I feel like if I ever open up to anyone ever again I will be rejected and judged from my past. I met my ex while trying to start a new life in Dubai and he sent me back to the US for a break after abusive fights erupted. I discovered his secrets and he broke up with me saying he lost feelings and was faking after my drunk outburst. I still can’t find a job in my field and am working as a cashier at a grocery store. I got offered an off the books job that pays more money and my mom is so controlling and a perfectionist she told me if I did that I wouldn’t have my car, so now I’m walking 40 min to my grocery store job in the suburbs. I’m so overwhelmed with depression and stress. My entire life fell apart. I have zero self esteem left.

I definitely feel like I have a rare form of OCD. I am so uncomfortable talking about it , but I feel like I should get it out , I need to get it out . My compulsions are avoiding looking at people , eating food . Not wanting to cook, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be alone with people. But I obviously still do these things. But best believe I don’t want to ... I don’t know what to think anymore , like it feels like when I look myself in the eyes I don’t recognize myself ... I don’t find ANYTHING interesting anymore. Because literally everything that I do I still have thoughts ... i feel like I have a serious case , and when I think about death for me , it makes me feel like I’ll be set free from this mental distress. But I don’t want to die , I want to enjoy my life. But I don’t and feel like I can’t enjoy my life feeling like I’m going to attack someone all the time . Feeling like I’ll lose my mind all the time . I hate this for my bf and my family and my kids , they don’t deserve this . Feeling like I don’t love ANYONE, not even myself , not even my baby in my stomach. I can’t think see my future anymore ... like I used to be able to , I wanted my job , and I wanted to be this healthy amazing mother and wife one day but now I just don’t see it anymore , and then in my head it tells me is it because I want to kill people and or animals? And eat them? Please no judging , so yes I said eat them.. it feels sick to me. I had not been wanting to eat , and my head was telling me it’s because I want to eat people . Wow it sounds so weird typing that . There is soooo much more to my weird thoughts , like I was feeling like I had been doing okay not to long ago , and then it came back to me felt wayyyy stronger.. I know this sounds so ignorant but my sister had told me that she had ate her poop before , and tasted her pee, and now I am thinking I will try poop ... i hate seeing poop because I think I will just pick it up and eat it. I wish I could write this alllll out but it’s to much . I do wanna say one thing that has been bothering me a lot. When people are having problems it’s like I don’t care and I just think kill them , I don’t like when people talk about other people because I had this thought that if you don’t like someone and they are causing you problems then you wanna hurt them . I’m scared of my thoughts and I’m scared I’ll blurt out my thoughts ... please no one feel sorry for me . I hate that , I hate feeling sorry for myself . I want to talk to someone about ALL my problems . I need a Therapy but absolutely terrified:(

I have not held a job in nearly a year now. Not since my son came home from the hospital. Something makes me unable to be away from my house and not feel overwhelmed by the anxiety it causes. I am exhausted and tired and more stressed than ever. My husband has started verbally abusing me and making me feel like everything is always my fault. If he loses something I am the first to be blamed for it and he doesnt let up until it's found. If I am the one to find it it fuels him more to tell me how I am a thief and a liar when I haven't done anything wrong. I have started to question my value as a person and I have a pain in my chest that leaves me feeling suffocated and unable to function. I spend so much of my time defending myself and feeling unsure whether or not I should defe d myself at all. I'm losing my mind. I finally found a new job and yesterday when I got to work I had a message from my husband saying that I stole his medication and I had such a horrible panic attack that I passed out in my car. I woke up and was almost two hours late for work so then I freaked out and I was too afraid to go inside to work. I called the HR department and explained everything going on so I have to see a doctor and get their paperwork turned back in before I can return to my job. I'm worried that even if I do get the forms filled out that I still will lose my job. I am so worried. Rent hasn't been paid yet this month and I have been so stressed out that I have virtually shut down altogether. I have no motivation to do anything and I am having to watch my little boy suffer through all the fighting and all the crying. I actually chopped off my own hair this afternoon. I was fed up and I don't know why I did it but my husband was recording my panic attacks and getting a video of me freaking out made it obvious to me that he doesn't care about me anymore other than as something to entertain himself when he is bored. He has become someone I can't trust and it gets tiring having to protect myself and who I am at all times. I don't know how to get out of this situation because I have literally no money and I have no friends in this town. I guess I'm just looking to feel accepted somewhere. I feel like a failure and a let down. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.