✋ I’m a serial Job quitter. I have my consult call tomorrow. I don’t know why but I go through spells where I work about 3 months and then I call off , anxiety sets in, & I quit. I’m so sick of this cycle. The anxiety is through the roof! It’s no wonder my blood pressure is so high. I hate this. Everyone I love leaves me and I’m lonely. I know GOD is with me but I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to believe at this moment because of what my brain tells me to be true. My mom used to get mad at me when I was young she’d say… “we shoulda got a check for yo ass” It even became a joke when I got older cuz my parents claimed they were worried about me but was proud I was maintaining. Unbeknownst to them… depression was fully onset and my place was atrocious. Lived in a boarding house with the bed on the floor and mice in the ceilings. Room was always dirty. Shared a bathroom and that was never clean and my neighbors were on heroin. Met my wife and she saved me by moving me in with her but my symptoms kept getting worse and now I’m alone trying to figure this out. The only reason I won’t KILL MYSELF is because I want to prove everyone wrong about me but most days I feel they are right. I don’t know why I’m sharing this cuz I usually just help everyone else with their problems and give advice, but I DON’T WANT TO DIE, so this seems to be the right thing to do.

This past week I realized I have not friends. It makes me feel lonely. I’ve been homeschooled my whole life, so my only social life would be work or church. I don’t have a job right now due to medical reasons. But I feel like such a fucking loser right now. The voices of my family and myself are making me feel horrible. “You couldn’t even kill yourself right.” Is what my brother said. He told me I need to grow up and realize that nobody gives a fuck. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Am I really just a sensitive piece of shit? Am I just being dramatic? I feel so lost right now. I can’t stop comparing myself to others who seem to be doing so well. It’s not like I haven’t been searching for a job. They’ve all turned me down. I’ve gotten help and I know my resume is great. Maybe my dad is right that it’s really just how I am. People are hired because of the way they are. I am not outgoing or friendly or approachable and it makes me hate myself so much. I know I can’t kill myself. I can’t put that financial and emotional burden on my family. I’m already enough of a burden as it is. I know that I’m “never a burden,” but the truth is I am. My mom even admitted that I was the most burden of a child and it makes me feel so guilty. I wish they didn’t love me. It’s so selfish and horrible to say that. I know there’s someone out there who deserves my life and family more than I do. I deserve punishment and failure. But I want an answer. It’s impossible to know the future. Am I right? Am I really destined for failure? If only I got that answer I’d be relieved. It’s not the ideal answer, but it’s still an answer. I don’t have to try anymore. It’s fucking tiring. I know I’m not alone. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I need to realize that this is real life and life’s not fair.

Trigger Warning: Suicide I’m 21(Female) just for reference Anyone else struggling with OCD so much to where you feel so isolated, confused, burnout, suffering & in astonishing emotional pain & agony. I promise yall aren’t alone in the feelings. I promise you there is someone going through similar, obviously our lives aren’t identical, but our struggles can be very similar. It’s even harder dealing with trauma, split parents, abusive parent(s), a sick parent at the same time as all of this. It feels like God or the universe just WANTS you to struggle. Like it’s punishment for something you did as a kid or teenager. I’m dealing with all this exactly. Sometimes I just want support. So I hope this message can be support for someone struggling too & hope it helps them be able to breathe a little easier & gives them strength to go on another day. I just would like to mention if you have access to therapy take advantage of it. The therapists are not there to judge you but I promise it’s a them issue & you’re not a horrible person. When I used to think of suicide often I started to think less “doomsdayish” & realized that I wont know how my life will turn out if I just give up. If you give up you won’t ever know. Whether your situation will improve, & all the fear in your heart just gone. You could miss out on that freedom and happiness you’ve been waiting for in this current life we are living. One last thing I want to point out that I’ve thought about is that we don’t know how many more people are out there struggling with this. I think they’re maybe afraid of judgement. Basically what I’m implying is I feel like there are so many others out there who don’t want to speak up & are struggling with this. Everything on their conscious being afraid to even write it down. I just feel in my heart that there are others who keep these issues to themselves. I think I feel it in my heart because that was me once. Feeling like my story was different, afraid at thought of even telling a stranger(therapist) who could judge me. I did not want to be perceived badly. I’m 21 years old & wish I had the courage to speak up sooner I feel like I could’ve started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel sooner but that’s okay. Speak up for you, you do not have to wake up in fear everyday or contemplate suicide everyday. Even if it feels like you’re your only cheerleader. Sending a virtual hug to all because I know what it’s like to just want to be held & told that everything is going to work out. you never know what others are going through, be the person who isn’t afraid to extend your heart to others, try & breathe a little more, take care of yourselves, remember you aren’t alone no matter your situation, stay strong To the suicidal person reading this, you’re resilient & strong. Sending a virtual hug❤️.

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.