TW Does anyone else have this, I’ve come to a stage where I feel I’m at my worst (even though it’s probably not true). I really feel like I’m turning into the person I have feared to be for the most part of a year now. Every thought that comes in to my head I don’t feel any anxiety nor disgust anymore, if I think about anything that is disgusting I feel nothing whatsoever. My compulsions are at the worst they have ever been but most days I’ll think “what’s the point in even doing the compulsions” because I don’t feel anything towards them. I haven’t masterbated in weeks because I just feel weird every time I think about sex. Every time I say to myself “I don’t want these thoughts anymore” my mind will say yes you do and I get this urge or feeling as if I do. I’ve tried to look up some of these symptoms but every-time I look, most articles just say “someone is stressed all the time” or “debilitated by these feelings”, I use to feel like that but I feel like my mind has been warped over time and it’s as if my body and mind have given up and said “You do like these thoughts so you might as well act on them”. Sorry for the long winded paragraph but I just feel so uncomfortable at the moment and I just don’t know who I am at the moment.

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 2y ago

When you have had intrusive thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges for a long time for a long time it's common that they don't cause the same reactions (feat, anxiety, disgust, shame, guilt) as they may have done in the beginning. But there is still the obsessive compulsive cycle which causes some discomfort at some level. It sounds like the thoughts are still bothering you (distress, discomfort, fear) as you are avoiding mastubation, and looking up things to help you feel better. Remember OCD is very clever and will want to keep you doubting your sexuality. It's all about not being able to tolerate uncertainty - stop arguing with OCD it always wins. The treatment is about accepting that you have a disorder which wants you to have certainty and figure it out. So respond with 'maybe I am ____, maybe I'm not I don't need to figure it out now. I just need to get on with my day living my values and not do compulsions (mental checking, testing, ruminating, reassurance seeking, avoidance). You are not alone in what you experience - I promise.

Username: Anonymous_29Anonymous_29

Date posted: 2y ago

Wow! thank you for this, this past week I feel as If because I am so uncertain of myself that I have started reassurance seeking way too much, thank you for this explaination I really needed someone else’s perspective on my situation 👍

Username: AakronAakron

Date posted: 2y ago

I'm feeling the same way. I'm not even getting panicky when I think "what if it's not ocd". I still feel like I'm trying to figure out why these thoughts aren't causing anxiety but I feel as if I'm choosing them and choosing my compulsions. I watched a video where a specialist talked about how we can get so used to and so comfortable in the anxiety and compulsions that it adds a sense of calmness because we know what we need to do to combat it. It's become habitual.

Username: Anonymous_29Anonymous_29

Date posted: 2y ago

I feel exactly the same way pal, it’s such a weird feeling when you have had just non stop anxiety and stress and then to suddenly feel nothing about any subject/topic, you just feel even weirder, cheers for sharing your situation, take care of yourself pal 🙏

Username: Tyler DevineTyler Devine

Date posted: 2y ago

Hey there! My name is Tyler Devine and I am one of the advocates here at NOCD. Let me start by saying I’m sorry you are having a rough time. OCD is a very, very debilitating area in the realm of mental health and anxiety disorders. However, we know this. Saying how hard it is and continuing to dig a deeper hole is not how you win this daily battle. Learning to face OCD head on is something that comes with time and practice. I’m not sure where you are in your journey with OCD, but let me give you some background on myself: I’m 27 years old and have been dealing with ocd since I was young. About five years ago, I finally surrendered to the monster that is OCD (particularly SO-OCD, which if you’re unfamiliar with some of the main subtypes of ocd, is obsessive thoughts, feelings etc of a sexual relation). Ever since then, I have never looked back. I know it’s tough but trust a vet like me who has put a lot of time into this stuff when I say you are far from alone. Some big things that helped me tame the beast and still do to this day are meditation, prayer, ERP (both staged and in real time), help from a specialist, faith, and medication (if necessary, as a supplement to your training). All these things combined with a positive attitude toward yourself and your OCD will lead you to victory! Keep helping others and keep utilizing the wonderful community of therapists and people who struggle with the same stuff like you and me. Strength and prayers, Tyler D

Username: Iann

Date posted: 5y ago

So looks like I’ve hit a wall I haven’t hit ever with this ocd. If you can even call it ocd. I genuinely feel confused. Idk what’s real or not. Idk what my mind or body wants. I feel so stressed out. My thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore and sometimes it genuinely feels like I want it and I’m just hiding it. I don’t get it. I even lost attraction to this girl I was madly interested in. I don’t know what to do anymore really. I see any dude and my mind automatically starts thinking “you’re attracted to him” literally every single guy I see. I’m not even kidding. I really don’t get what’s going on with me. I haven’t been diagnosed yet because there are no ocd specialists in my area. My mom told me once she thinks she has ocd and my aunt as well. But their ocd seems more like the “traditional” type of ocd where you can actually see their compulsions. I think I struggled from Religious ocd a few years back. Also with my ex girlfriend there was a period where I struggled with ROCD I believe but got over it. Now Hocd has definitely been the worst and what makes it worse is that I actually had a gay experience but even after that I didn’t question my sexuality. I maybe would get the ocasional “you’re gay” thought but wouldn’t pay it attention and it just went away. But now it just can’t leave my head. This has been going on since February. I used to be crazy for women, don’t know what’s wrong with me. I even had sex with the girl I really like about 2 weeks ago and really enjoyed it! But now my attraction for her seemingly disappeared out of nowhere when this hocd bull starts acting up again. I’m so tired of this.

Username: getwellsoon

Date posted: 4y ago

so i feel like i need to vent because all of this is just building up, 3 months ago when i had my first intrusive thought that caused an obsession that went on for weeks and then every other week a new intrusive thought would pop up and i’d obsess over that one. and it continues with multiple themes. some even similar to the one i’m dealing with right now but for some reason this one feels so much more real then again all the themes did. i really don’t know how to explain it, frightened if it’s just me. some days i feel completely numb to it like i’m a bad person but if that was so why would i keep fighting it and being in distress over it. it’s breaking my heart. i should know that it’s no coincidence since i’ve been dealing with this thing. whatever it might be ): i really don’t want to give up but i’m just scared. it all feels wrong and i feel numb or sometimes the ugliest stuff pops into my head. also the old themes have tried popping up again. i wonder if this whole thing is just my fault if it’s all just me but the truth is i guess i’ll never know... there’s so much more i could say... but i hope someone can relate to this... is it possible to feel just completely not like yourself like you’re trying so hard to just be the way you are but it’s hard because you have to sit with the fear inside your head... cause tbh there’s no other choice

Username: BetterDays

Date posted: 2y ago

Does anyone especially with harm ocd feel like they are their thoughts and want to do these things? Like no matter how hard I try and even during my therapy session I get the constant, “what if this isn’t OCD?”, “you like these thoughts”, “your a bad person”, “your going to act on these thoughts.” It gotten to the point where it feels like I’m actually this person and that I have changed into an evil person and it’s so scary cause it’s gotten to the point where it feels like I’m never going to get my life back and that’s saddening. I’ve never had a violent history never hurt anyone or anything but I don’t know why it feels like I am.

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