TW Does anyone else have this, I’ve come to a stage where I feel I’m at my worst (even though it’s probably not true). I really feel like I’m turning into the person I have feared to be for the most part of a year now. Every thought that comes in to my head I don’t feel any anxiety nor disgust anymore, if I think about anything that is disgusting I feel nothing whatsoever. My compulsions are at the worst they have ever been but most days I’ll think “what’s the point in even doing the compulsions” because I don’t feel anything towards them. I haven’t masterbated in weeks because I just feel weird every time I think about sex. Every time I say to myself “I don’t want these thoughts anymore” my mind will say yes you do and I get this urge or feeling as if I do. I’ve tried to look up some of these symptoms but every-time I look, most articles just say “someone is stressed all the time” or “debilitated by these feelings”, I use to feel like that but I feel like my mind has been warped over time and it’s as if my body and mind have given up and said “You do like these thoughts so you might as well act on them”. Sorry for the long winded paragraph but I just feel so uncomfortable at the moment and I just don’t know who I am at the moment.

When you have had intrusive thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges for a long time for a long time it's common that they don't cause the same reactions (feat, anxiety, disgust, shame, guilt) as they may have done in the beginning. But there is still the obsessive compulsive cycle which causes some discomfort at some level. It sounds like the thoughts are still bothering you (distress, discomfort, fear) as you are avoiding mastubation, and looking up things to help you feel better. Remember OCD is very clever and will want to keep you doubting your sexuality. It's all about not being able to tolerate uncertainty - stop arguing with OCD it always wins. The treatment is about accepting that you have a disorder which wants you to have certainty and figure it out. So respond with 'maybe I am ____, maybe I'm not I don't need to figure it out now. I just need to get on with my day living my values and not do compulsions (mental checking, testing, ruminating, reassurance seeking, avoidance). You are not alone in what you experience - I promise.

I'm feeling the same way. I'm not even getting panicky when I think "what if it's not ocd". I still feel like I'm trying to figure out why these thoughts aren't causing anxiety but I feel as if I'm choosing them and choosing my compulsions. I watched a video where a specialist talked about how we can get so used to and so comfortable in the anxiety and compulsions that it adds a sense of calmness because we know what we need to do to combat it. It's become habitual.

Hey there! My name is Tyler Devine and I am one of the advocates here at NOCD. Let me start by saying I’m sorry you are having a rough time. OCD is a very, very debilitating area in the realm of mental health and anxiety disorders. However, we know this. Saying how hard it is and continuing to dig a deeper hole is not how you win this daily battle. Learning to face OCD head on is something that comes with time and practice. I’m not sure where you are in your journey with OCD, but let me give you some background on myself: I’m 27 years old and have been dealing with ocd since I was young. About five years ago, I finally surrendered to the monster that is OCD (particularly SO-OCD, which if you’re unfamiliar with some of the main subtypes of ocd, is obsessive thoughts, feelings etc of a sexual relation). Ever since then, I have never looked back. I know it’s tough but trust a vet like me who has put a lot of time into this stuff when I say you are far from alone. Some big things that helped me tame the beast and still do to this day are meditation, prayer, ERP (both staged and in real time), help from a specialist, faith, and medication (if necessary, as a supplement to your training). All these things combined with a positive attitude toward yourself and your OCD will lead you to victory! Keep helping others and keep utilizing the wonderful community of therapists and people who struggle with the same stuff like you and me. Strength and prayers, Tyler D