Anonymous*
- Date posted
- 3y
merylmeryl
- Date posted
- 3y
My fear of contamination started to get worse in a really stressful time in my life. It was OK before but the stress triggered it and made it worse. I have contamination fear or food, I have a bug phobia so I feel the need to keep everything clean. An example of a worry I might have is 'if there is food in my room there will be bugs'
Anonymous*Anonymous*
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for your answer! Very similar to my path
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
1) In my early childhood when my ocd started I always had concerns about death and illness, but I specifically remember in 5th grade health class when we first learned about aids that i starting having huge problems and my first few contamination compulsions (like avoiding dirty items). At that point most of my compulsions though we’re still more magical thinking and things like “if I don’t do x someone I love will get x illness.” As I got older my ocd got better and those types of compulsions for me almost disappeared. But then I went to college and moved to the city, which is exponentially dirtier than the suburbs, and the contamination obsessions and compulsions came full force and I spent hours and hours cleaning and avoiding. Now I live back in the suburbs but I’m still confined to my home out of avoidance. 2) big problems I’m having now are seeing red specks on things. For example, I saw a tiny red speck on a page of new book I got now I am scared to touch the book because the red speck could’ve been blood. I know it’s unlikely but I can’t say with 100% certainty what it is so I still have the fear that it could be blood meaning it could carry bloodborne diseases that I could get it I touch the book. I’m scared of red specks I see on the bottom of my slippers, cause I worry that the other people in my household could’ve tracked in small items from the outside world that someone bled on, or like a small scab that fell off of another person, and I stepped on them on our floor. The red speck thing is, and I can’t stress this enough, just the tip of the iceberg. Let me know if you want to hear about other worries like public spaces.
Anonymous*Anonymous*
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for your example. I'm very curious, so feel free to share whatever you feel confortable sharing :) I couldn't sit on benches or public transportations' seats without sitting on a plastic bag/piece of fabric I would tgrow away at one point, where my OCD had just appeared. Happy to hear that you're better now that you've moved back to the suburbs! The shoes part has a rational basis in terms of general dirt and in many cultures, including mine, we leave the shoes near the door and wear slippers inside, maybe that could be helpful. It's also easier and quicker to clean the floors. Same goes for outside clothes on the bed for instance.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous22 If I used any public transport (which I’m way too scared to at this point) even if I didn’t physically touch anything (like standing on the subway) I had to put all clothes directly into the washer, clean all belongings I’d brought with soap or hand sanitizer (phone, keys, ID cards, etc.) and then shower. I couldn’t touch anything in my home or touch any of those objects to anything in the home before doing all this or they would also become dirty. I’d make my boyfriend do the same too if he took the subway or train. That’s also how I’d act coming home from anywhere I’d needed to use a public bathroom but now I’m also way too scared for that and just make my boyfriend do it if he comes back from somewhere where he used a public bathroom. Up until recently there were a few public places I’d be able to go and not need to shower (if I didn’t unexpectedly come into contact with something dirty, in which case I’d follow the above “I’m dirty” subway/public bathroom protocol lol) like the store or class or maybe a restaurant, I’d just have to change, but now I haven’t been to a public space in months and I’d definitely wanna shower after all of them. I decided to take a leave of absence from school for treatment because things kept happening in class that would make me have to follow the “I’m dirty” protocol, like gum being under the desk I sat at, someone who used the bathroom bumping into me, my skirt blowing into the outside of my car on the way in, etc. Having to come home everyday and spend hours showering, cleaning all my school supplies, and the interior of my car was too much (especially on top of trying to do my school work). I broke my laptop from spraying it with disinfectant. We leave shoes at the door in my house but sometimes I still feel like the contamination spreads across the whole floor for various reasons, like someone stepping on a spot their outside shoes were after taking them off and walking around the rest of the house. I used to think the floor/ground/shoes here at my house in the suburbs was clean and that all that stuff in the city was dirty but now since I’ve been here a while and the ocd will just take hold of everything I feel like shoes/floors/streets are dirty here in the suburbs now. I wear socks and slippers throughout the day and even though I do that and never leave the house I still feel the need to clean my feet with hand sanitizer before getting into bed. If anything touches the floor in my house I have to clean it. Every night I’m so scared of my blankets drooping off the bed and touching the floor. This was a lot sorry but when ocd has been this bad for this long it’s so hard to condense lol there’s just so many triggers.
Anonymous*Anonymous*
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous I understand. I hope it wasn't too heavy and exhausting to write. I understand the shoes' thing better. I had a pretty similar thing. And it's reminding me of a lot. Also destroyed a couple of electronics and my glasses with disinfectants. Thanks a lot for sharing 🤍
vanitasvanitas
- Date posted
- 3y
i’ve always had it, just not as bad as after i learned of covid. it made me more aware of germs, illness, disease, everything like that. i get scared to eat because “what if it makes me ill”, i get scared to go outside because “what if someone contaminates me” etc etc, it’s successfully given me some sort of agoraphobia. it was ten times worse after my dad got covid and i had to hear him at the end of the phone sound terrible. it’s honestly the worst it’s ever been
Anonymous*Anonymous*
- Date posted
- 3y
I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time with covid and I hope your father is better now and had a full recovery
vanitasvanitas
- Date posted
- 3y
@Anonymous22 tysm! he has now, this was a good few months ago. it was a big scare but i’m waiting for therapists to get back to me now
Anonymous*Anonymous*
- Date posted
- 3y
@vanitas I hope you'll be able to start working on it soon 🙏
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- Date posted
- 18w
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