Tarot

I woke up this morning feeling like all weird, I went on Google to look at escape rooms and my ocd of corse kept saying there’s kids there and I felt groinal responses and actually stopped on the post that I thought was a child to look at them and feel aroused. My heart sank and now I need to wash my whole body and myself please can ocd do this

Ever since I found out about relationship OCD, I’ve been researching non-stop. Google, Reddit, ChatGPT, this app… I regret it deeply. Before I knew what ROCD was, I still had disturbing thoughts, but I didn’t spiral like this. I didn’t question reality this deeply. But now… it’s like I’ve implanted in my mind that I have a disorder that’s “unfixable” or that only gets better with time. And even though I struggled before, since I started researching obsessively, I feel like I’ve completely lost control. My boyfriend told me that I’ve gotten worse ever since I began searching. And I see it — I used to be able to express love. I used to say “I love you” a lot. Now I can’t even say it. And when I did say it before, I think I was using it like a compulsion — like if I say it enough, maybe the thoughts will stop. But they didn’t. Now I can’t even be intimate without feeling this horrible discomfort, sometimes even disgust. And I remember telling my therapist that — and she said it’s not normal to feel disgust when your partner touches you. That devastated me. It stuck in my head. And now? It all feels real. Not like “just thoughts.” It feels like I’m denying the truth, like I’ve ruined everything by digging too deep. I’m not myself anymore. I’m not the girlfriend I used to be. I feel like I’ve lost everything — even my ability to feel love. There’s a constant pressure in my chest, like a weight I can’t describe. And no matter what anyone says — whether it’s hopeful or scary — it doesn’t bring me peace. I feel completely lost inside my own mind. I don’t even know why I’m posting. Maybe because I just want to feel less alone.

so like i was like researching spirituality and i saw that when spiritual awakening happens you kind of question yourself and your values then i saw a shadow work video and they said if you judge someone its because somewhere deep down youre like them , so im scared what if im a pedo and someone did a tarot reading on me once and i dont really remember the exact words but they mentioned something about how im avoiding the truth or something like that and the first thing that came to my mind was being a pedo and incest and recently ive been ignoring all the thoughts cause i was exhausted from doing so many compulsions then i got scared that if i go to therapy they will just tell me what i want to hear. im so scared