I feel like I'm at the end of my road , and there's no point to live having HOCD the rest of my life

See, the thing is I have hocd (or I think I do) and I don’t even know if what you’re staying it’s true to me or not. It’s like I can’t express what I am feeling I just don’t know how to describe it. I don’t know if I am or not aroused by women. I don’t know if I think the gayest things. I don’t know if I enjoy any of these things. I USED to know but now it’s just like nothing is clear. My hocd started when I was entering puberty so it’s very scary to think “maybe I was always like this and I am just now realizing”. When I ask myself “what does my kind really want” I don’t know. My head doesn’t let me know. I have had very intense crushes that ended this past year and I think I still have this small one but the thing is- my head doesn’t even let me choose bisexual, it’s telling me that it has to be one or the other. Did you experience any of this?

This will get easier. You will not always feel this way. Please call a hotline if you're feeling suicidal. I promise your mind will clear and you will be back to yourself. Stay strong

listen if you try to accept that you're gay to try to disprove whether its ocd or denial you wont get anywhere. trust me im gay and you FULLY KNOW if you are gay or not. u dont sit there and deny it. for me it happened when i had just entered puberty and i discovered bathroom alone time and i tried thinking abt women and that didnt arouse me so i was like "so what does my mind really want" and it immediately switched to guys. please dont try and do this. ocd numbs your libido and you wont get aroused by either women or men (you could get aroused by men just because youve been avoiding intrusive thoughts like the plague and your groin will recognize that as something new and untried and could launch like a slight arousal). what i advise you to do is just like with any other ocd. let it go. you have an inner truth and that inner truth is the truth. there were so many straight guys in my highschool that were perverted as fuck and did gay things as a joke. there are even straight men who experiment with gay men and they still identify as straight afterwards. if youre gay you wouldve found out a long time ago and you wouldve denied it for probably a day or 2 like i did and then just went "ok im obviously bullshitting let me just accept it." if you have any questions towards me ask.

It's been 6 years of having these hocd thoughts I don't even know what to think anymore or where to start trying to get live my life freely

if you arent secretly finding ways to think the gayest things and try to make excuses about how it isnt gay that you think all these things and youre intensely aroused by them - then youre not gay. period. when i had the arousal of a lifetime thinking about intercourse with another man i came out of the bathroom panicked and i was like "im not gay right.... im just straight with a fetish for boys." then immediately after it i was like "that doesnt make no sense shit im gay" and i fully accepted it because like...i was aroused by guys the way straight men are aroused by women....like THATS gay. not intrusive thoughts and suffering but willingly thinking about homosexual acts and deriving enjoyment from them.

Yes that's how I feel exactly ... I don't even know anymore

Its like you imagine relationships on both genders and you are like “i don’t even know how I feel like with this” and I can’t even answer the simplest questions or the facts that she said. I just, don’t know

*he

then that means youre not gay. and you arent feeling ur straight attractions because ocd makes you repulsed by those too to confuse you. before i had sexual ocd i fully knew what type of guys i found hot and recently i couldnt even think about them without feeling grossed out. its natural with ocd. if you had the clear answer before that clear answer IS the answer and will always be the answer.

Omg I was always scared to say I was kind of disgusted by the thoughts of guys now because i thought that will mean that nobody is going through the same as me. I am so glad to know someone is feeling like this too that’s going through the same as me