i'm having such a rough night.... i feel like i truly am a P who's just in denial

I have been struggling with this SO much lately. I have been around some teenagers though lately and I have been testing myself like crazy. I notice that some of them are attractive for their age and I freak out if they are on the lower end of being teens. It’s human nature to notice and acknowledge attractive traits! There’s a difference in that and being outright into and pursuing teens

hi! the first signs of ocd i had were pocd last year and it was absolutely terrifying, my first thought when that happened was that i'd rather die than even think about something like that. Luckily I found out it was ocd, a year and a few months later (now) i can garantee you that it will go away, you just have to stop fighting the thought or trying to reassure yourself that you're not what your thoughts say you are because that only makes the thoughts get worse, what i did was getting ahead of the thoughts my brain kept throwing at me like "sure brain i'm definitely attracted to a kid and what about it?" because deep down i knew it wasn't real and i knew it was my brain making sure i knew that thing was wrong. It's the hardest thing i've ever had to do and i'm not saying that it goes away completely but it's possible, you just have to train your brain and remind yourself that thoughts are just thoughts and they dont mean anything

Self testing is a compulsion and never reliable

@figuringitallout just saw your other post, and that's exactly how i feel

it really sucks! i think deep down it's an self-esteem issue sadly, we have to love ourselves a little more

Me allllll day. Had some really awful dreams last night which made it worse. Once my day thoughts got better it attacked my dreams! It’s the worst. How’re you feeling now?

OCD makes you feel like youre in denial when you arent

I really sometimes think I am just in denial and this is me. I’m kinda terrified to be honest. But then I’ll “test” to another thought and it disgusts me so I’m like idk what to think! And I only ever get really aroused by men and I have only ever masturbated to men so I’m also like “if this were real at SOME point this would have happened involving kids” not to sound dark lol

like i'm worried i just feel guilt and not anxiety..... i hate this i hate myself i don't want to be alive if i'm a pedophile i don't want to hurt people i dont want to be someone who's attracted to minors i don't like this and i'm scared it's not ocd and it's real

all of this stems from thinking like 16-17 year old boys are cute. like that's it. i'm like oh he's cute and then i freak out that i thought that because i'm 20. i'm always scared that i'll be attracted to young boys like 13-15 and then when i see one in real life i'm like no thanks. so if i think a teenage boy is cute i immediately feel like a terrible awful sick person

T I totally understand. Is this coming from your dream last night?

Oh just saw your second post

@figuringitallout partly, and partly because i thought a 17 year old in a movie was cute. it wasn't even in a sexual way, but i freak out that when i think someone is cute i mean it in the same way as someone i really was attracted to, you know? it's like i can't figure out where the line is in my head. i know that just because you think someone is cute doesn't mean you're sexually attracted to them, but i still get scared because i'll call someone older than me cute as well so i'm like is this the same thing??? and then feel disgusting

Yes!!!! I totally understand that. I saw a play at my old high school and I noticed some of the boys were cute and I had that “cutesy” feeling inside idk how to describe it lol but then I was like wait, do I wanna be with them? Hook up with them? Date them? And I spiraled. I honestly don’t lol but it’s that one second feeling of doubt that kills me

Also a kid from work was in one or two of my dreams recently and that’s been scaring me cause I’m terrified I “secretly want him” although I haven’t thought of him since I’ve been on break lol. But then he pops in and I’m terrified.

Thank you for sharing that! Isn’t that the funniest thing, when you realize deep down it’s not real so then why are we still going through this!? I hate when that happens

@figuringitallout that's exactly what i go through too @anathema thank you for sharing, i've had these terrifying thoughts since september and i'm scared that "deep down" i know it's "real" and i just always feel like i truly am someone who's bad...

i forgot to thank you guys for commenting, it really helps to have people to talk to ?

Im also dealing with that it’s so hard