So I had my induction/first day at work today and I felt so anxious I’ve cried ever since coming home. I feel like I was just told a load of information that I HAVE to remember and now I’m left on my own devices. Everyone else looks so confident in what they’re doing and knows their way around and knows each other and I’m just literally alone and know nothing.

I feel like I can’t explain anything to anyone and feel so dumb. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth doesn’t make sense sometimes. I tried explaining what a vendor was about and couldn’t explain it and fear that I could get fired or won’t be able to move up because of this. I can’t explain things and hate explaining things. I don’t know how to get better and don’t know how to not feel stupid and feel like I have a purpose in this world. I feel like I don’t provide value for my job or at least my new manager who just got hired doesn’t see it and won’t because she’s really tough and doesn’t understand. She’s too blunt and very rude sometimes. I also feel so anxious 24/7. I feel like I need to workout but don’t have the motivation to and just want to be in my bed because I’m exhausted after work and during the weekend. Boredom sucks too. I wish I had someone who could be there for me wish I had a significant other. I don’t like exposure therapy and it’s not working at all. I tried it for a while. Same with Acceptance Respond Therapy.

I’ve been spiraling since a workplace incident last Thursday. I had an uncomfortable and tense interaction with a colleague, and it triggered a lot of obsessive rumination. I spent the whole weekend crying, panicking, and replaying everything that happened. Today, I went back to work — and it was really hard. Everyone acted like nothing happened. They joke with him, treat him normally, even though he bullied me and I’m just… sitting there. I didn’t greet him, and he didn’t greet me. I kept to myself, answered questions when I had to, but didn’t socialize. Now I feel scared. Like I’m walking on eggshells. I keep thinking: “What if I say something wrong?” “What if I make a mistake and they say, ‘You see? She’s the problem’? Acting holier than thou & she's a bigot too!" I know this is partly my OCD and trauma talking, but it feels so real. Like I’m one wrong move away from being blamed or alienated. I’ve even started eating lunch in my car to feel safe. I’m trying so hard to hold boundaries, stay professional, and protect my peace. But I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of myself and I’m scared I’ll break. I was already a little on eggshells cause most of my colleagues say or do something bigoted every now & then...my bigotry ocd is always scared that when I don't confront them. I'm condoning it & becoming them. I'm exhausted. I want to work remotely so I can stay isolated from people. I don't think I'll ever heal from this. I feel like this incident is one of those that permanently changes you. Like when my parents & siblings says I'm not the same anymore. I'm more panicked etc.

I’ve been my job for almost 2 years now and I can not shake the constant worry that I am going to do something to mess it up. I’m constantly checking things over and over to make sure they’re correct to the point where I almost don’t believe my own eyes anymore. Everyday I go home with something to be anxious about. Today me and a coworker got in a bit of a tiff and I can’t stop thinking about it (even though I was totally right to be upset 🤣) everyday I play out fake scenarios that may happen because of what I said or did. Occasionally I will worry if I had written something inappropriate on the work I turn in. There’s no amount of reassurance that can make me stop worrying and I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m new here and would love some suggestions!