Also another problem is smoking weed is the only thing that seems to calm me and distract me from my ocd and In moments like I am right now it’s like I need to smoke and I feel guilty everyday because the tobacco is affecting me greatly it’s affecting my teeth and lungs (I’ve been smoking everyday for about 6 years now ) and I’m just very scared and I don’t even know an alternative coping mechanism I’m just lost rn and overwhelmed

Everyday just gets worse and worse and there’s no way to escape the cycle. This constant feeling of dread and guilt I can’t stand it. I have no one to talk to about any of this because I have a fear of them thinking of me different and I don’t like putting my problems on people it just makes me feel like I want attention or something like even when I’m writing this paragraph. I’m stuck in a constant loop. Constant aggressive thoughts and compulsions. I’m 18 and I don’t know about any of my insurance or anything so I can’t get a therapist on here and I really don’t wanna talk to my mom about any of this. I dread having to wake up everyone morning and continue with this shit all day every day. I hate complaining but I just can’t stand this. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing every inch of my mind.

i (22f) am not a full blown stoner whatsoever, but picked up smoking weed years ago and use it pretty regularly now that i’ve been in college for a while. Not the best habit, I know, but it eases my mind so easily and is such a quick fix for my ocd when I feel really panicky. My mom caught me last night and proceeded to have a full conversation with me about it while I was totally stoned. From what i remember, She isn’t mad just really sad and disappointed. She’s made it clear through my whole childhood that weed is a horrible drug, but i just dont agree. I think that when used in moderation, like any other drug, it’s actually super helpful. I leave for partial hospitalization this Monday for my depression and she has been so helpful in getting me to the stage where i actually want help. I just feel so guilty now. A part of me is like okay i’m an adult and i can smoke weed once in a while. I did it in highschool in the house like a few times and no one ever said anything. I did it outside far way from the house, not even close to where It could bother anyone. The reason why she woke up is because I was too loud coming inside and then she came down and smelled me. Another part of me just feels like shit. I’m not an adult right now because i’m in such a mentally shit place and rely on her for so much. I should be respecting her expectations. She just seemed really sad and that’s what’s upsetting me most. It’s definitely a habit that has gotten out of hand in the past, but I don’t really want to stop. That kinda makes me sadder. (it’s not legal where i live but i bought from dispensary in another state)

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???