I’m having a major crisis in life rn. It feels like I’m just very detached from everything . I don’t know when last time it’s been since I’ve felt like this . Probably years back when my ocd first started to develope and I wasn’t full aware of what was going on. Anyways, lately I have been feeling like this as a result of another one of my episodes . It’s been feeling long term . It’s been about 2 days almost still with the same obsessive thought and me just ruminating. But for most part, I think I was just handling it by not giving much into it and rather just accept the uncertainty as I’m supposed to. But more waves keep coming in and I feel prone to just having more related thoughts and feeling like I’m vulnerable at this point and weak. Let alone I already feel like crap because everyday it’s the same exact thing . I’m back at my old job but due to my ocd , it’s been making me feel quite depressed and I truly just miss my most recent one I was at . I feel isolated . I’m deeply worried I’ll be living with my parents for much longer time and I won’t be as dependent as others are with the circumstances I’m in rn. I don’t drive - which has been a huge impact on my mental health. I get very flustered and have racing unpleasant thoughts reminding me I can’t drive . I keep getting the same thing from people - “you’ll get there eventually, ebeyone works at their own paste” what bothers me is the fact I feel I haven’t progressed in anything as far as driving goes . I don’t have anyone to teach me other the parents ( they are busy most time ) they’re not very consistent on teaching me either...parents are already giving me enough crap about me not being able to drive on my own. I’m truly concerned because I almsot feel I know nothing about Adult life . I feel stupid. I’m 19. I have college this upcoming august and I’m not sure I’ll even afford it with my financial aid. I have good amount of money saved but not sure it’s enough. I’m still working but that’s all I even do, plus having my constant ocd episodes does not help anything , it just makes it worse and I feel prone to feeling more isolated when I’m already feeling like shit let alone working . I probably won’t have time and/or afford therapy either in next couple months as I’m on a tight budget rn. Meanwhile, eveyone I know is having blast this summer , I come home after work to a room depressed not doing shit , but only watch tv. I font wanna be depending on my parents for anything . I’m scared . I’m FRUSTRATED. Idkkk what to do 🤷‍♂️idk what to do for me to help me . I’m doing everything I can. No one can teach me to drive . I’m so tired , jealous, angry, sad, scared , worried , upset , frustrated .

I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.

I’m feeling kind of sad cause today was not a really good day in terms of my ocd. I was feeling kind of foggy/numb and that send me to spiraling. I’m 21 years old currently studying but my family has been having trouble with money for the last couple years(we’re just me and my mom) and I kinda want to get a job but everything is far from my home and I wouldn’t be able to return back at night, also it’s either way more expensive to move or the schedule wouldn’t let me take my classes. The point is that because of that every time my mom is stress tends to treat me bad, she speaks to me like I’m stupid or she just screams to nothing cursing all life and everything and that actually makes me feel soo bad and guilty for not doing anything, I know it’s hard for me to get a job that actually helps us without quitting school but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a burden. I want to help, I want to maybe hug her or something but I know she will be angrier and probably will reject it. So that’s it, I just feel like she punishes me for the stress she’s carrying and I get it but one day is happy and it feels like all love and the next is treating me like that, Idk it’s hard (also I feel like I shouldn’t be saying this cause it’s all my fault) 🫤

At this point I think I’m just tired. Took me a massive amount of strength to even type this. I’ve never had it this bad with anxiety depression and OCD. Firstly, how do you guys handle the trauma that comes with OCD. I recently realized Ive traumatized by own mind. I think this contributes to depression. Also, the thoughts frequency have gotten so high. It just literally jams its self in my brain. Before, I had some sort of control (at least a grip) but this days it’s so hard to try to get a grip. The unwanted feelings too? Omg, reactions that I literally can’t stand plagues me. My mind turns almost everything sexual. It’s crazy 🙃 Then the anxietyyyyyy! Wheew. I’m like a walking anxiety attack, my heart is always beating fast and it’s so painful. Working is so hard because I can’t get a grip, I feel so broken and I don’t think anyone can relate to this. I don’t know what I can do to help. Then the pressure in my head (that causes headache sometimes), sometimes I genuinely think I have a tumor! I’m pregnant so that makes it sadder, makes me wonder what kind of mother this beautiful soul is coming out here to meet. I don’t want to be a sad mother, and I cry more when I realize my child can feel what I feel rn in my belly😔. Another thing, the moment I don’t wanna do something, doesn’t even have to be anything bad. That’s when it feels my mind wants to force me to do it. It’s a whole lot and I’m just holding on to Jesus to help me out. At least he’s here so that’s comforting.