I’m having a major crisis in life rn. It feels like I’m just very detached from everything . I don’t know when last time it’s been since I’ve felt like this . Probably years back when my ocd first started to develope and I wasn’t full aware of what was going on. Anyways, lately I have been feeling like this as a result of another one of my episodes . It’s been feeling long term . It’s been about 2 days almost still with the same obsessive thought and me just ruminating. But for most part, I think I was just handling it by not giving much into it and rather just accept the uncertainty as I’m supposed to. But more waves keep coming in and I feel prone to just having more related thoughts and feeling like I’m vulnerable at this point and weak. Let alone I already feel like crap because everyday it’s the same exact thing . I’m back at my old job but due to my ocd , it’s been making me feel quite depressed and I truly just miss my most recent one I was at . I feel isolated . I’m deeply worried I’ll be living with my parents for much longer time and I won’t be as dependent as others are with the circumstances I’m in rn. I don’t drive - which has been a huge impact on my mental health. I get very flustered and have racing unpleasant thoughts reminding me I can’t drive . I keep getting the same thing from people - “you’ll get there eventually, ebeyone works at their own paste” what bothers me is the fact I feel I haven’t progressed in anything as far as driving goes . I don’t have anyone to teach me other the parents ( they are busy most time ) they’re not very consistent on teaching me either...parents are already giving me enough crap about me not being able to drive on my own. I’m truly concerned because I almsot feel I know nothing about Adult life . I feel stupid. I’m 19. I have college this upcoming august and I’m not sure I’ll even afford it with my financial aid. I have good amount of money saved but not sure it’s enough. I’m still working but that’s all I even do, plus having my constant ocd episodes does not help anything , it just makes it worse and I feel prone to feeling more isolated when I’m already feeling like shit let alone working . I probably won’t have time and/or afford therapy either in next couple months as I’m on a tight budget rn. Meanwhile, eveyone I know is having blast this summer , I come home after work to a room depressed not doing shit , but only watch tv. I font wanna be depending on my parents for anything . I’m scared . I’m FRUSTRATED. Idkkk what to do 🤷‍♂️idk what to do for me to help me . I’m doing everything I can. No one can teach me to drive . I’m so tired , jealous, angry, sad, scared , worried , upset , frustrated .

They’re getting more intense.. My mind wonders if what i’m feeling is really OCD.. what if it’s not and i’m in denial? Why is my life like this, a constant loop of fears and stress holding me back. I just want to live. To be the kind boy everyone knows. To make and be a difference. There’s sometimes I wish I could stay asleep.. to rest for a while. To hibernate all these feelings away. But I know that’s not how it works. Each tear I shed is a reminder of the hell I live every day when I open my eyes. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I am anymore. Please someone.. advice, words of positivity, something.. I feel so alone. I’m scared. I don’t know where else to go.

I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"

I feel like there’s no way out of this. everyday i’m anxious and depressed from these thoughts. i feel like i have to constantly question if it’s OCD or not. the panic attacks are insane and i freak out. and a compulsion i have is looking eveything up on the internet when im stressing to know that it’s just my OCD and im not in danger. but looking things up add on to my thoughts and i start thinking “what if” actual suidcal people think. do others with this theme whenever they do something like if im taking a picture it’ll be like “yeah you look happy people will wonder what happened when your gone” LIKE i DO NOT want to end my life. or even as simple as cleaning my room, “yup keep it clean so when your family goes through your stuff” then i panic and can’t even do anything. those thoughts distress me so bad. i’ll sit there and think how good my life is or when im having a good day my thoughts will be like “NOPEEE what if your just saying that to convince yourself” it never shuts up and genuinely makes me think i have SI or something. i hope this reaches the right people just to know im not alone. Even when i do get better in the back of my mind it’s always “people who want to are the same a day before too” im genuinely scared and im scared one day im going to just snap and do it because its “too much” do i need to go to a mental hospital! i feel insane.