- Username
- Tillyyyx
- Date posted
- 2y ago
i feel the same way in my relationship and it’s honestly something i’m still working on and it’s very hard. just know your 100% valid & what your thinking isn’t who you actually are. best thing to do is be open and honest with your s/o, explain the situation. if they truly love you, they’ll understand and you can work together to try fix this issue. i also think for people with ocd or who suffer from relationship ocd, we see the movies, books, the way relationship and lust is portrayed in the media - so so so different than reality and it’s important to remember this
Thanks ! Do you think this kind of issue can be fixed ? I don’t like to bring it up because I care for his feelings and I know it’s something he’s insecure about already. I love him so much
@Tillyyyx like any form of ocd, it’s repetitive negative thoughts that can be very distressing, it’s all about breaking the pattern that’s been created, so 100% it can be fixed! i get that he might be insecure (it’s very normal for your partner too because he doesn’t understand exactly how your feeling), it is something i’d bring up and say that you wanna tackle the issue. i’m not sure how u feel about therapy for this specific issue but honestly it might be relief to get your issues out to an expect who understands ur feelings
@pineapple_p I worry that what I am doing is morally wrong and that I will end up hurting both of us , I’m more concerned about hurting him which I do believe shows I love him very much
I agree with you that speaking about the issue will lift a lot of unspoken tension and weight for both of us, the issue is I’ve never spoken to him properly out of fear of loosing him . He does know about my ocd but I’ve never gone too much into depth though he is clever and I know he understands where the doubts are coming from . His défense mechanism is to joke about me not being good enough for him which is reverse psychology and his way Of relieving his anxiety . I know this because I know him very well and he has opened to to me about this before . I guess I just very afraid of loosing him which is why I try and avoid these difficult issues we face
i know it’s so hard to try and pretend it’s not an issue and hope it goes away, but it’s so mentally draining! best place to start is to have a long and in depth talk about your OCD, talk about your different fears, anything that comes along with it. typically ocd intrusive thoughts are irrational & don’t quite make sense, but this is something you can talk to your partner about! if he can begin to know about some thoughts you have it might make it easier for both of youse so you both know it’s not you, it’s just these horrible thoughts that are hard to shake! if it’s the fear that youse will break up over it that’s stopping you, in the long run, your hurting yourself. to overcome this will mean a lot of discussions and lots of patience patience patience! it won’t go away overnight and i know that’s hard to come to terms with but there is a starting point & can get better! i’ve had a fear that i’ll accidentally say another boys name instead of my boyfriends name when addressing him, and this tore me up instead for months! i eventually told him and he reacted in such a good way, so it eased that worry for me until it became non-existent. i know this is something you want to combat yourself but sometimes it’s not that easy
@pineapple_p Thanks for your in depth message , it is funny how our intrusive thoughts can seem so unimportant to an outsider ‘I had a fear that I will accidentally say another boys name instead of my boyfriend name’ to an outsider may seem like no big deal if it happens , but I know how intense it feels to us! For me I’m not sure how to pinpoint my fears in reality, it’s manifested in many different ways : obsession with his height ( he’s a bit taller than me , obsession if people think we’re on the same level appearance wise , obsession with if he fancies my friends instead of me , obsession of if I fancy his friends instead of him , obsession over the fact I have not felt intense passion and initial spark ( applying meaning to this - does this mean we’re not meant to be) … all incredibly superficial stuff and the list goes on , makes me feel so guilty because there is sooooo much more to our relationship that all this superficial bs
I have this issue with my bf of 3 years. Not only this, but emotional connection. I know I desperately want to be present with him and care for him so much and intimately but I just can't feel it. I feel to ashamed and embarrassed to express any of it. I especially do not want to hurt him and I know I will. So much guilt.
Too*
@Sero82 I wish I could give you a big hug :( cause I know how shitty this all feels, we have to remind ourselves that the fact we are so upset about this shows that we do really care about them otherwise we wouldn’t be here trying to work on ourselves for them. My biggest compulsion is to google everything to try and validate that my issues do not mean I need to break up and then any thing which tells me I do causes me to spiral in intense guilt and anxiety. I’ve avoided relationship coaching sessions out of fear they tell me my relationship is wrong, ultimately love is a choice which means we can choose to continue bettering our relationship and that should give us faith
@Tillyyyx It's so hard thinking love is a choice when thinking that you have to have a natural desire to pursue it and it's so conflicting when here we are told are thoughts are just thoughts but our thoughts are ultimately what drive us to choose the choice of love, so does that make it worthless or fake? I also always struggle with feeling numb and emotionally drained (+depression) so the guilt more often comes from wanting to feel like I want to do better but feeling too exhausted to be present and care.
@Sero82 Well I completely understand where you’re coming from but in reality the natural desire to pursue someone stems from reproduction it’s a natural instinct which isn’t designed for long term relationships , where a compassionate love and loyalty are what’s important . Honestly speaking if we all just followed our desires I doubt many people would stay together long term idk
Also there are tonnes of people in relationships who feel these things but just don’t really care, I do believe we are lucky to be in a position where we care and value the quality of our relationship, in most cases we are over thinkers , we have expectations on what our relationship should look like when in reality every relationship is unique : ‘I do not want to hurt him ‘ shows you care for him already, emotional connection can definitely be developed over time it’s all about communicating and being able to understand your boyfriend’s body language and how he reacts in different situations , when you can both read each other and communicate maturely - it’s a two way thing .
My therapist said to be that she wasn’t sure if I have ROCD on my call to her yesterday and now I feel really anxious! I love my boyfriend I desperately want things to work out between us but my obsession is I worry that I’m not attracted to him like the spark is missing. The more I get to know him the closer I feel to him and I adore him. No he’s not my usual type and I think In the beginning this held me back getting close to him as I had a very strict idea of what I wanted and I would always discount anyone who fit didn’t fit that type without getting to know them (shallow yes)! But with him I’ve fallen in love with non superficial things but this past idea of ‘type’ is stopping me from being completely vulnerable as I think I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s wrong as it isn’t the person I imagined myself being with in my head. Like if things are going well I tell myself ‘ don’t fool yourself you’re only going to hurt him in the long run cause he’s not your type deep down.’ I worry about what other people will think , like I worry about people making negative comments about him and I hate that I care about that. I’ve always cared what other people think of me too much and now I’ve projected this onto my boyfriend. In the past I’ve never properly loved someone as I always selfishly picked someone who I thought looked good next to me kind of thing , I haven’t had many serious relationships where I’ve shown my true self it’s been all about flirting and proving to myself that I was good enough to be with that person to be honest. With my boyfriend it’s so different we know each other so well we have so much in common and I just need some advice now :(
I feel so guilty that I didn’t feel an instant spark or chemistry with my boyfriend 🙁 because when I look online all articles/peoples opinions tend to say romantic love stems from lust which is a primal urge that you have straight away with someone it doesn’t develop over time it’s either there or it isn’t ! Also people recall how they fell in love it was the easiest and most natural thing with no doubts . It bothers me to this day, I don’t even know if what I have is ocd or if I’m lying to myself I hate this .
I feel terrible and guilty writing this. I find my boyfriend’s best friend really physically attractive, maybe more attractive than my boyfriend. It’s giving me a serious case of “the grass is greener elsewhere” feelings. I find my boyfriend more emotionally attractive though. There’s a lot of “icks” with the other guy but I can’t get past his good looks. My boyfriend and I have similar values and he’d be a great life partner. The other guy, I’m pretty sure, would be emotionally unavailable in a relationship as he’s not looking for anything serious which feels familiar to me as in the past I only fell in love with emotionally unavailable men. My boyfriend isn’t the most conventionally attractive guy, he’s average but sometimes I think he’s really attractive and he does turn me on. I’ve experienced ROCD thoughts since the beginning (am I in love, do I find him attractive enough?). Last weekend was amazing, we’d spent two weeks not seeing each other because we were both away and coming back together felt like the honeymoon phase again. I was so in love and told him I loved him whilst looking him in the eyes and I didn’t doubt my feelings at all. We talked about getting engaged and I was whole heartedly in it. His best friend has become another focus of my anxious thoughts but there’s some truth behind it which makes me more worried and more convinced I shouldn’t be in this relationship. It feels unfair on him but I want him to be my forever. Please don’t be harsh if you comment, it’s taken a lot to type this out and get it off my chest
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