- Date posted
- 5y ago
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It's awful. I used to be so comfortable with my religion, until Existential OCD made me question it's existence, which then led to religious scrupulosity too. Existential ocd is awful because you can find questions in EVERYTHING. Even brushing my teeth can bring on an existential question - it goes something like this: what's the point of brushing my teeth? Health. Whats the point of health? To be alive and have a good life. But why? What's life? Who even am I? Is there an afterlife? What if all of this isn't even real? What if I'm not real? What if the people on this forum saying they have the same obsessions aren't actually real? And so on and so on and so on. It was never ending for me 24 hours a day with constant compulsions (googling, rumination). ERP has helped with this tremendously because I don't allow myself to ruminate like this (takes practice of course) which helps me to break the cycle of adding to the unanswerable questions. It still gets to me sometimes but not nearly like before. If I allowed myself to it would though. Its so weird because you feel like you sound depressed even though you're most likely not. The "what's the point/meaning" thing is the worst and depressing
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yep exactly Katie! Exactly what ERP is about. For those who are still deep in this (where their mind involuntarily throws these thoughts at them everywhere they look) the biggest thing that helped me was completely disregarding any thought pertaining to the subject. "Distract and dismiss"
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@meg615 yes I absolutely did. You described it so well. When I first heard about ERP I thought "well that's stupid, they're just being naive, I HAVE to figure it out". I still think this sometimes. But ERP gives me my freedom back to enjoy my life. When I'm stuck in a rumination cycle (which seems to just happen sometimes) I still think like this. Until I step back and realize I'm falling into OCD's trap again. My therapist always reminds me that if no one else has figured it out, I'm not going to either. I also realized there was no answer that would ever satisfy me. Even if somehow someone figured out the "answer" and had complete proof of it, it wouldn't satisfy my OCD. I remind myself that I'm up against my OCD, not the questions. Also I said the same thing to my therapist -- I can't shut it down forever! I have to figure out my religion! What religion am I?! Wrong. When OCD calmed down and my anxiety lowered, my religion was there and it was the same as before OCD took ahold of me. It still tries to pick at it sometimes, but your true self/beliefs are still there. I also obsessed over what's OCD and what isn't. I let go of this question the same way as any other OCD question. When I did, it didn't seem as complicated. Only rumination makes it seem complicated. I hope this makes sense - it's hard to describe all of it in text
- Date posted
- 5y ago
You guys aren't alone! This got really bad for me at one point, and I became extremely obsessed with "enlightenment." The anxiety got so bad that I experienced dp/dr which perpetuated the idea that my self was dissolving into nothingness. It was the darkest months of my life, but persistent daily ERP has brought me back. Stay with it. The existential questioning is exhausting, but it's just OCD playing its tricks
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I'm glad too :) I wish I'd seen people experiencing something so similar to me when I was at my worst. Even now that I'm doing better, it's still an amazing feeling to know others can understand completely. Best of luck everyone, stay strong you're one day closer to getting better
- Date posted
- 5y ago
You have no idea how much I get this. I’m so sorry to hear someone else is going through this though. It’s one of the biggest topics in the world. And trying to tackle it while struggling with OCD is near impossible. I’m terrified of these questions about God, reality, possibly everything I ever knew being wrong. I can barely face it, I constantly feel the weight of it though. I hear you. I do the same thing, looking it up.... the only way I get out of the cycle is realizing that my mind will question everything, no matter what conclusion I come to, my mind won’t be satisfied, and I can’t think about these things if I’m completely exhausted. Hope this helps a little.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I think about it nonstop. Know you are not alone.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
We had a thread on this app a few weeks ago talking about this, I wish I was able to post a link to it but NOCD doesn't give that option ?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I’m glad I’m not alone in this. I hope we can all find peace of mind soon. We can get through this, as scary as it is. It’s okay not to know the answers, maybe the answer is simply “I don’t know.”
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Alissa, when you mention ERP, what I struggle with is feeling like I’m being ignorant or I’m missing something extremely important if I don’t “think or ruminate about it”. But also, I know if I’m so overwhelmed in rumination, it’s easier to think irrationally. It’s terrifying to think I’m missing something important, and I can’t shut it down forever right? Like, what if I need to pay attention to something? How do I know what’s important and what is just OCD? Did u experience this?
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
When I was at my worst with this I had no idea I had OCD or that this was an OCD theme. It was absolutely frightening. My googling compulsion did me a favor when it led me to an article on OCD
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@meg you sound SO much like me. It's comforting honestly. I had the same exact questions (and sometimes still do-- I only started therapy a month ago).
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It will feel completely unnatural and wrong at first to disregard these thoughts. But eventually you'll notice they pop into ur head less and less. And you get your life back a little more.... And you think hey, this kinda works
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hahaha thats so funny. It finds its way into the most ridiculous things. Sometimes the smallest things are the most triggering it's weird ? this week my therapist is having me repeat "I'm have the thought that [insert thought here]" and say it over and over again or in a funny voice in my head lol. At first you're like what how would that help and then you realize it actually does.. So weird
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
One time I thought to myself for a few weeks "whats the point of being happy if there's sadness in the world" and it brought me down. Then I realized you can usually flip these things around just like you said. In my case it was "whats the point of being sad if there's happiness in the world". I was mindblown and so was my OCD lol.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Thank you guys for giving me hope, I’m going to try my best to re-read this thread when I have the urge to google things. I truly appreciate your support, and again im so happy I’m not alone
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hi @alissaa (and I guess everyone else on this thread too). I know this is an old thread so I hope you see this and can provide some feedback. Maybe this warrants a trigger warning about existential ocd, so here’s it is. I know alisaa you said that when the existential ocd quieted down, that your religious beliefs remained. I have been struggling for a long time with existential ocd (I think, or maybe it’s an actual loss of faith). I am questioning everything I have believed about God, about Jesus, about death and what happens when we die—and I want so badly to believe what I once believed because it brought me comfort and meaning. But I’m having such a hard time believing any of it. And I guess in the end, if none of it is real, if God doesn’t exist and the only thing that happens when we die is that we cease to exist, then fine; there’s nothing I can do about that. But I want to believe in God again, or feel like I believe in God, and I want to feel like I believe in the tenets of Christianity because they shape my life and I feel an incredible sense of loss without them. So basically, I can’t (and no one can really) prove whether this stuff is true or not true. But I want to be able to feel the feeling of belief because it brings me comfort. I want to not obsess about this for the rest of my life. I’ve started doing some ERP work around these themes but I’m not sure whether it is doing much. Do you have any tips? I guess I’m looking for encouragement more than anything.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I feel like I have had this also a long time ago but since then went way. My OCD comes in waves of different type of ways. But I think I had what ur going through.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I used to think that am I just a dream or if I am in a coma. Stuff like that
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Exactly. Figuring out what I was dealing with was OCD was the pivotal point for me. It takes away so many questions. It's also a little overwhelming in the beginning because you come up with so many little questions about OCD itself (which parts are OCD and which are not?). That phase passes. As far as medication, I personally do not take it. It can help lower anxiety levels in some people, but it does not take away the obsessions or compulsions, only ERP does. For some, medication makes them more able to do ERP work, but don't think that medication will fix it. It won't. Not for OCD as its to do with brain structure, not serotonin levels.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Thank you for the feedback, I’ll definitely be around here. I’ll work on finding a therapist. I really do feel relieved talking about this.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Take a breather.... Do your best to be mindful and focus on the present to the best of your ability for now. You will be okay. You're on your way.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hi puppychino, they only way out is to do ERP daily for months on end. It may not feel like it is doing anything, and you may have multiple days in a row when it gets worse and you feel like you made zero progress, but just keep showing up for ERP and don't stop. If it takes a year, then so be it, but staying on defense and hoping for it to change never works. Go on offense and write scripts about how God and Jesus aren't real and we're all doomed to nothingness after death. Eventually that horrible dark panicky feeling you get when you read that will be a sarcastic laugh in your head saying "how ridiculous was that when I was so worried about that"
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It’s comforting to know that it comes and goes but while it’s here it’s almost unbearable. It’s exhausting but hopefully I will move onto something less distressing soon
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@alissaa yes, that makes complete sense to me! I feel so desperate to find a therapist now, and try this ERP or medication. I just hope someone listens to me and believes that I’m struggling with this. I’ve totally seen how when I do take a break and not ruminate, I am able to think more clearly. It always still tries to get me though. It fools me into paying attention to it everytime. Just knowing this. Is HUGE.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Thank you @ap1734. I have started doing some erp work but haven’t been super consistent with it.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Also, I’m glad you are doing better and that there’s a way out for you and hopefully for all of us.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Can anyone here give me tips without possible triggers. I constantly feel disconnected like I’m slowly losing it and get triggered easily.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hi lulu23! First off, please know in your heart that you will feel better someday. Be strong. Looking back at this post now and my comments give me such insight to how much my life has improved, when I thought there was no chance. You will get better. Trust this. The first step is finding an OCD therapist if you are able to access one. If not, there are SO many OCD workbooks as well as teletherapy. ERP and refusing rumination are key to recovery. Focus on doing things you value. Its all easier said than done, and I’m sure while you’re reading this you’re thinking there’s no way any of this can help. Thats existential OCD for you. What ap1734 wrote above is a great description of what ERP looks like for this.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@alissaa Thank you. I definitely am in the toughest spot I’ve ever been in my life. I hope I can return here in a year and be proud of where I am. Its so hard to live but I’ll never give up.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@lulu23 I couldn’t watch a movie and get through it because the screen and angle was so unrealistic to me. It was horrible. Thank you for this thread I’ll keep coming back to it for sure
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@lulu23 I don’t know what angle existential OCD is coming at you with right now (mine went through every phase you could possibly imagine), but one thing I want you to know is that mine attacked religion at one point. It made me have no idea what I believed in. I felt like I could never have a normal relationship with religion ever again. With OCD being a “doubting” disorder, it makes faith difficult - it thinks we need concrete answers. I dont know if religion is apart of your life now or ever has been, but hear me out. Today, a year later, I just prayed to God that he show me someone I can help today on Christmas. Minutes later I got a notification from this app that you had commented. I haven’t used this app in months. I hope I’m able to help.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@lulu23 I understand you! Depersonalization/derealization and even just rumination/over analyzation of these things is miserable. Just know that it passes. Its a stress response. Be strong and know that so many of us on this app have gone through this and come out on the other side and are now living beautiful lives once again. OCD is a bully but you are stronger
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@alissaa Thank you so much. So much. It helps, it really does. I struggle praying because of another theme of ocd I have. Its difficult to truly appreciate these words as much as I want to but I know deep down one day I’ll come back and they will mean so much. I’ll keep fighting and hope to come back with good news. Thank you.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@lulu23 I struggled praying and even believing in the religion I had my entire life because OCD casted doubt around it (as well as scrupulosity at one point). It wasnt until recently I was able to come to a place with it where I felt at peace with it. And even now I still have days where it’s harder (as well as my other themes of OCD) because anxiety naturally rises and falls and for us that means OCD as well. But once you learn how to fight back it becomes a whole lot easier my friend. You will look back on what you’re going through now and see it as just a distant memory, knowing it was awful but also seeing it in a different light once you’ve recovered because it teaches you so many things. I’m currently having my existential theme of OCD flare up a bit right now because I haven’t kept up with ERP and going to the gym (two things that really help me) with all the craziness of the holidays. But it doesnt scare me even nearly as much as it used to. I know once I get back to my routine I’ll be myself again. Its mostly just some of the old things I would do, questioning reality wondering how we got here/if everything is even real and all of the other thought loops that can suck you into. I dont allow myself to ruminate about it for long and stop mysef when i notice it. One day you’ll be able to live your life normally while having these questions coexist in your mind while being unanswered (even though it feels like you just HAVE TO KNOW). I still feel that, but I know that the year of rumination I did on these questions just got me nowhere. Try talking back to your OCD and agreeing with whatever it tries to scare you with. For example “yeah OCD, you’re right, maybe nothing is real!!” and then continuing on to agree with whatever your OCD’s worst case scenario fear is. And then tell it that you’re not going to do anything to try to change that and accept the anxiety that comes along with it. It will feel counter productive at first and wrong. Also, picture a stop sign or a wrong direction sign in my head when I noticed myself dwelling on questions about reality/the universe and then refocusing on something productive like a funny tv show or any other thing you value doing. There are so many things that help and by practicing them daily you retrain your brain to stop sending out danger signals/thoughts surrounding these subjects so much. Its teaching the brain to not be afraid of it and bring it to your attention so much. You are not alone and I fully believe in your ability to recover from OCD. I didn’t think it was possible, and you might not either right now, but just know it is. Sending love your way ❤️
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w ago
Hello, I am a young girl struggling with OCD, specifically existential related OCD. I feel constantly like my life is pointless, like my goals aren’t significant, because, I’m just going to be forgotten and die. What is the point? I don’t want to get old and not be able to do what I love. Sometimes I wonder if not existing would be easier, but I don’t want to die yet. It’s really confusing, and I’d love some tips I could get for motivation. I really want to be spiritual, but I struggle in believing in stuff so…?
- Date posted
- 20w ago
I haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD but when I learned more about it, I never related to anything more. A little back story: when I was younger, there were a couple of youth suicides in my area and the schools felt the need to have someone come in and talk about suicide. Well the person they had come in did a horrible job teaching it and basically made it seem like the smallest negative emotion or feeling or change in behavior made you suicidal. This ended up scaring me so much that I got horrid anxiety. Fast forward to now, Everytime I feel anxiety and panic, I fear I'm going to kill myself. Everytime I feel down and depressed, I fear I'll end it all. I'm scared to be around anything sharp because the "What if" I hurt myself comes into my mind. There are always intrusive thoughts at almost every point of the day. And it's not only for me. Everytime I hear someone being negative, I fear they will be suicidal. I know in my heart that none of this is true but it's terrifying me that it's stuck around so much that it makes me scared that maybe it is true. I've had a lot of death in my family in the past year and a half and a lot of other family drama that I'd never had before that is now also bringing up existential intrusive thoughts. And I'd never questioned anything about life before but now I get the "why is life like this?" and "does anything we do matter?" and I hate it. I don't want to think like that. I just want to go through life being able to handle things normally again. It terrifies me even right now going "what if you give up?"
- Date posted
- 18w ago
I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.
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