- Username
- katiesexistence
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It's awful. I used to be so comfortable with my religion, until Existential OCD made me question it's existence, which then led to religious scrupulosity too. Existential ocd is awful because you can find questions in EVERYTHING. Even brushing my teeth can bring on an existential question - it goes something like this: what's the point of brushing my teeth? Health. Whats the point of health? To be alive and have a good life. But why? What's life? Who even am I? Is there an afterlife? What if all of this isn't even real? What if I'm not real? What if the people on this forum saying they have the same obsessions aren't actually real? And so on and so on and so on. It was never ending for me 24 hours a day with constant compulsions (googling, rumination). ERP has helped with this tremendously because I don't allow myself to ruminate like this (takes practice of course) which helps me to break the cycle of adding to the unanswerable questions. It still gets to me sometimes but not nearly like before. If I allowed myself to it would though. Its so weird because you feel like you sound depressed even though you're most likely not. The "what's the point/meaning" thing is the worst and depressing
Yep exactly Katie! Exactly what ERP is about. For those who are still deep in this (where their mind involuntarily throws these thoughts at them everywhere they look) the biggest thing that helped me was completely disregarding any thought pertaining to the subject. "Distract and dismiss"
@meg615 yes I absolutely did. You described it so well. When I first heard about ERP I thought "well that's stupid, they're just being naive, I HAVE to figure it out". I still think this sometimes. But ERP gives me my freedom back to enjoy my life. When I'm stuck in a rumination cycle (which seems to just happen sometimes) I still think like this. Until I step back and realize I'm falling into OCD's trap again. My therapist always reminds me that if no one else has figured it out, I'm not going to either. I also realized there was no answer that would ever satisfy me. Even if somehow someone figured out the "answer" and had complete proof of it, it wouldn't satisfy my OCD. I remind myself that I'm up against my OCD, not the questions. Also I said the same thing to my therapist -- I can't shut it down forever! I have to figure out my religion! What religion am I?! Wrong. When OCD calmed down and my anxiety lowered, my religion was there and it was the same as before OCD took ahold of me. It still tries to pick at it sometimes, but your true self/beliefs are still there. I also obsessed over what's OCD and what isn't. I let go of this question the same way as any other OCD question. When I did, it didn't seem as complicated. Only rumination makes it seem complicated. I hope this makes sense - it's hard to describe all of it in text
You guys aren't alone! This got really bad for me at one point, and I became extremely obsessed with "enlightenment." The anxiety got so bad that I experienced dp/dr which perpetuated the idea that my self was dissolving into nothingness. It was the darkest months of my life, but persistent daily ERP has brought me back. Stay with it. The existential questioning is exhausting, but it's just OCD playing its tricks
I'm glad too :) I wish I'd seen people experiencing something so similar to me when I was at my worst. Even now that I'm doing better, it's still an amazing feeling to know others can understand completely. Best of luck everyone, stay strong you're one day closer to getting better
You have no idea how much I get this. I’m so sorry to hear someone else is going through this though. It’s one of the biggest topics in the world. And trying to tackle it while struggling with OCD is near impossible. I’m terrified of these questions about God, reality, possibly everything I ever knew being wrong. I can barely face it, I constantly feel the weight of it though. I hear you. I do the same thing, looking it up.... the only way I get out of the cycle is realizing that my mind will question everything, no matter what conclusion I come to, my mind won’t be satisfied, and I can’t think about these things if I’m completely exhausted. Hope this helps a little.
I think about it nonstop. Know you are not alone.
We had a thread on this app a few weeks ago talking about this, I wish I was able to post a link to it but NOCD doesn't give that option ?
I’m glad I’m not alone in this. I hope we can all find peace of mind soon. We can get through this, as scary as it is. It’s okay not to know the answers, maybe the answer is simply “I don’t know.”
Alissa, when you mention ERP, what I struggle with is feeling like I’m being ignorant or I’m missing something extremely important if I don’t “think or ruminate about it”. But also, I know if I’m so overwhelmed in rumination, it’s easier to think irrationally. It’s terrifying to think I’m missing something important, and I can’t shut it down forever right? Like, what if I need to pay attention to something? How do I know what’s important and what is just OCD? Did u experience this?
When I was at my worst with this I had no idea I had OCD or that this was an OCD theme. It was absolutely frightening. My googling compulsion did me a favor when it led me to an article on OCD
@meg you sound SO much like me. It's comforting honestly. I had the same exact questions (and sometimes still do-- I only started therapy a month ago).
It will feel completely unnatural and wrong at first to disregard these thoughts. But eventually you'll notice they pop into ur head less and less. And you get your life back a little more.... And you think hey, this kinda works
Hahaha thats so funny. It finds its way into the most ridiculous things. Sometimes the smallest things are the most triggering it's weird ? this week my therapist is having me repeat "I'm have the thought that [insert thought here]" and say it over and over again or in a funny voice in my head lol. At first you're like what how would that help and then you realize it actually does.. So weird
One time I thought to myself for a few weeks "whats the point of being happy if there's sadness in the world" and it brought me down. Then I realized you can usually flip these things around just like you said. In my case it was "whats the point of being sad if there's happiness in the world". I was mindblown and so was my OCD lol.
Thank you guys for giving me hope, I’m going to try my best to re-read this thread when I have the urge to google things. I truly appreciate your support, and again im so happy I’m not alone
Hi @alissaa (and I guess everyone else on this thread too). I know this is an old thread so I hope you see this and can provide some feedback. Maybe this warrants a trigger warning about existential ocd, so here’s it is. I know alisaa you said that when the existential ocd quieted down, that your religious beliefs remained. I have been struggling for a long time with existential ocd (I think, or maybe it’s an actual loss of faith). I am questioning everything I have believed about God, about Jesus, about death and what happens when we die—and I want so badly to believe what I once believed because it brought me comfort and meaning. But I’m having such a hard time believing any of it. And I guess in the end, if none of it is real, if God doesn’t exist and the only thing that happens when we die is that we cease to exist, then fine; there’s nothing I can do about that. But I want to believe in God again, or feel like I believe in God, and I want to feel like I believe in the tenets of Christianity because they shape my life and I feel an incredible sense of loss without them. So basically, I can’t (and no one can really) prove whether this stuff is true or not true. But I want to be able to feel the feeling of belief because it brings me comfort. I want to not obsess about this for the rest of my life. I’ve started doing some ERP work around these themes but I’m not sure whether it is doing much. Do you have any tips? I guess I’m looking for encouragement more than anything.
I feel like I have had this also a long time ago but since then went way. My OCD comes in waves of different type of ways. But I think I had what ur going through.
I used to think that am I just a dream or if I am in a coma. Stuff like that
Exactly. Figuring out what I was dealing with was OCD was the pivotal point for me. It takes away so many questions. It's also a little overwhelming in the beginning because you come up with so many little questions about OCD itself (which parts are OCD and which are not?). That phase passes. As far as medication, I personally do not take it. It can help lower anxiety levels in some people, but it does not take away the obsessions or compulsions, only ERP does. For some, medication makes them more able to do ERP work, but don't think that medication will fix it. It won't. Not for OCD as its to do with brain structure, not serotonin levels.
Thank you for the feedback, I’ll definitely be around here. I’ll work on finding a therapist. I really do feel relieved talking about this.
Take a breather.... Do your best to be mindful and focus on the present to the best of your ability for now. You will be okay. You're on your way.
Hi puppychino, they only way out is to do ERP daily for months on end. It may not feel like it is doing anything, and you may have multiple days in a row when it gets worse and you feel like you made zero progress, but just keep showing up for ERP and don't stop. If it takes a year, then so be it, but staying on defense and hoping for it to change never works. Go on offense and write scripts about how God and Jesus aren't real and we're all doomed to nothingness after death. Eventually that horrible dark panicky feeling you get when you read that will be a sarcastic laugh in your head saying "how ridiculous was that when I was so worried about that"
It’s comforting to know that it comes and goes but while it’s here it’s almost unbearable. It’s exhausting but hopefully I will move onto something less distressing soon
@alissaa yes, that makes complete sense to me! I feel so desperate to find a therapist now, and try this ERP or medication. I just hope someone listens to me and believes that I’m struggling with this. I’ve totally seen how when I do take a break and not ruminate, I am able to think more clearly. It always still tries to get me though. It fools me into paying attention to it everytime. Just knowing this. Is HUGE.
Thank you @ap1734. I have started doing some erp work but haven’t been super consistent with it.
Also, I’m glad you are doing better and that there’s a way out for you and hopefully for all of us.
Can anyone here give me tips without possible triggers. I constantly feel disconnected like I’m slowly losing it and get triggered easily.
Hi lulu23! First off, please know in your heart that you will feel better someday. Be strong. Looking back at this post now and my comments give me such insight to how much my life has improved, when I thought there was no chance. You will get better. Trust this. The first step is finding an OCD therapist if you are able to access one. If not, there are SO many OCD workbooks as well as teletherapy. ERP and refusing rumination are key to recovery. Focus on doing things you value. Its all easier said than done, and I’m sure while you’re reading this you’re thinking there’s no way any of this can help. Thats existential OCD for you. What ap1734 wrote above is a great description of what ERP looks like for this.
@alissaa Thank you. I definitely am in the toughest spot I’ve ever been in my life. I hope I can return here in a year and be proud of where I am. Its so hard to live but I’ll never give up.
@lulu23 I couldn’t watch a movie and get through it because the screen and angle was so unrealistic to me. It was horrible. Thank you for this thread I’ll keep coming back to it for sure
@lulu23 I don’t know what angle existential OCD is coming at you with right now (mine went through every phase you could possibly imagine), but one thing I want you to know is that mine attacked religion at one point. It made me have no idea what I believed in. I felt like I could never have a normal relationship with religion ever again. With OCD being a “doubting” disorder, it makes faith difficult - it thinks we need concrete answers. I dont know if religion is apart of your life now or ever has been, but hear me out. Today, a year later, I just prayed to God that he show me someone I can help today on Christmas. Minutes later I got a notification from this app that you had commented. I haven’t used this app in months. I hope I’m able to help.
@lulu23 I understand you! Depersonalization/derealization and even just rumination/over analyzation of these things is miserable. Just know that it passes. Its a stress response. Be strong and know that so many of us on this app have gone through this and come out on the other side and are now living beautiful lives once again. OCD is a bully but you are stronger
@alissaa Thank you so much. So much. It helps, it really does. I struggle praying because of another theme of ocd I have. Its difficult to truly appreciate these words as much as I want to but I know deep down one day I’ll come back and they will mean so much. I’ll keep fighting and hope to come back with good news. Thank you.
@lulu23 I struggled praying and even believing in the religion I had my entire life because OCD casted doubt around it (as well as scrupulosity at one point). It wasnt until recently I was able to come to a place with it where I felt at peace with it. And even now I still have days where it’s harder (as well as my other themes of OCD) because anxiety naturally rises and falls and for us that means OCD as well. But once you learn how to fight back it becomes a whole lot easier my friend. You will look back on what you’re going through now and see it as just a distant memory, knowing it was awful but also seeing it in a different light once you’ve recovered because it teaches you so many things. I’m currently having my existential theme of OCD flare up a bit right now because I haven’t kept up with ERP and going to the gym (two things that really help me) with all the craziness of the holidays. But it doesnt scare me even nearly as much as it used to. I know once I get back to my routine I’ll be myself again. Its mostly just some of the old things I would do, questioning reality wondering how we got here/if everything is even real and all of the other thought loops that can suck you into. I dont allow myself to ruminate about it for long and stop mysef when i notice it. One day you’ll be able to live your life normally while having these questions coexist in your mind while being unanswered (even though it feels like you just HAVE TO KNOW). I still feel that, but I know that the year of rumination I did on these questions just got me nowhere. Try talking back to your OCD and agreeing with whatever it tries to scare you with. For example “yeah OCD, you’re right, maybe nothing is real!!” and then continuing on to agree with whatever your OCD’s worst case scenario fear is. And then tell it that you’re not going to do anything to try to change that and accept the anxiety that comes along with it. It will feel counter productive at first and wrong. Also, picture a stop sign or a wrong direction sign in my head when I noticed myself dwelling on questions about reality/the universe and then refocusing on something productive like a funny tv show or any other thing you value doing. There are so many things that help and by practicing them daily you retrain your brain to stop sending out danger signals/thoughts surrounding these subjects so much. Its teaching the brain to not be afraid of it and bring it to your attention so much. You are not alone and I fully believe in your ability to recover from OCD. I didn’t think it was possible, and you might not either right now, but just know it is. Sending love your way ❤️
Hello everyone! (Existential Obsessions) I have struggled with anxiety since I was a young boy. I remember worrying when I was younger that I was inadvertently trying to harm my mother, even though I love my mother more than anyone in the world. It’s shifted more times than I can count, from worrying about poisoning or contamination to thinking that I had heart disease. It’s all the same animal just shape shifting into whatever I fear most at the given time. Currently, (trigger warning) I am constantly obsessed with the fear of developing some sort of delusion or schizophrenia. I am 25 years old (I know that it would’ve probably developed by now) and have no schizophrenia in my gene pool. But I am constantly checking my thoughts to see if they sound delusional or if I am hallucinating my reality. This of course if extremely frustrating for someone with OCD because there is never going to be any definitive proof that I am not going mad. It has caused me extreme discomfort over the past few months and has brought me to extreme states of panic. I was wondering if any of you deal with existential OCD or fears of losing touch with reality. Of course, some days this seems laughable and others I can almost taste the insanity. On paper, everything in my life is going amazingly but in truth I can’t seem to enjoy any of it because I have these nightmarish intrusions of everything falling apart around me. Is this a common symptom? P.S I already run a few miles a day, meditate, do yoga and am working on strengthening my CBT. Any other suggestions?
I can’t tell if this is existential OCD or if something else is going on, but I’ve been having a serious existential crisis-type episode for the past week. Starting with the realization of my own mortality and an impending sense of doom, hopelessness, pointlessness, and despair, which led me down a path of spirituality (mix of Buddhist and Hindu beliefs). That’s in the realm of “normal” for me, and I was feeling amazing afterwards, I felt like everything finally made sense, like I was at peace with the world, nature, and my soul. But then the intrusive thoughts started(about when I realized technically anything is possible in this seemingly endless universe). At first they were about this whole world being fake, that everyone was in on it except for me, that I was being tested to see if I had learned enough/been a good enough person in this life. Soon realized that this wasn’t logical, since I was going off the idea that nothing was real, but if no one was real they wouldn’t be able to lie to me. Then it transitioned into pure solipsism, which terrified me to the very depths of my soul, at which point I felt suicidal (basically “if nothing is real what’s the point?” Kind of thinking) but after a couple of days of ruminating, I realized the flaws in this logic, as well, and was comfortable in the idea that this was false. Which brings me to now. It’s sort of a mixture of the two, I now have an intrusive thought that there’s some force that created this world to test me, but that no one is “real”, that they have the appearance of being conscious like me, but are being controlled by an outside force, that they’re like robots with the appearance of having a soul, but are just programmed to seem that way, that I’ll not be able to see them again when I die and return to the pool of consciousness since they never existed in the first place. I know in my rational mind this isn’t true, but it just keeps pounding in my head that it’s possible, so I can never assume it isn’t the truth, and it’s making me feel so hopeless. What’s the point if everything is a lie? I feel like my world is crumbling beneath my feet, like I’m drowning. The worst part was that I was fine this morning, but was triggered by an existential question I saw posed online, and wound up back here. I’m terrified that I’m going insane.
Hey everyone, this is my first post here and I just have to get stuff off my chest. It started so randomly and so recently. I (21 m) came to accept my morality and my death at a fairly young age following watching 'UP' and my grandfather passed away. But a youtube video talking about a character struggle with their death as part of a character arc, that one line made my mind fall into a rabbit hole on death, what is death, what's after death, what's life, it's meaning, is there a God, what am I doing with my life, what do I want to do? And is it worthwhile? I felt like I like was slowly disconnecting from reality and that nothing was worth it. My interest like guitar, combat sports, pro wrestling and video games didn't bring me comfort. I've even have trouble eating, just two bites of a chicken sandwich felt like 30 bites. I've just keep thinking about my life and my inevitable death and I couldn't focus on anything else. I think it's because I feel like I'm at a war with my mind, people say life is to short and at the same time to not rush it. I am a Christian and I do believe in an after life of peace but I question what's real and what's not and I don't ever feel happy. Is anyone else going through what I'm feel I really need help.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond