Hi everyone, I think I’ve struggled with OCD since I was a child but it’s seriously effecting my life now. I think I have what you would call Philosophical/ Existential OCD. I can’t stop questioning my reality, the truth of reality and the universe, enlightenment, Christianity, solipsism, god, myself, my own existence. It never ends. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I think I have Pure O, but I also compulsively google my questions and search through the answers for hours until I feel calm. The peace lasts all of 5 minutes and then I’m googling another question. It’s so stupid because I know the meaning of life isn’t found on the internet but I can’t handle it all on my own in my head.

It's awful. I used to be so comfortable with my religion, until Existential OCD made me question it's existence, which then led to religious scrupulosity too. Existential ocd is awful because you can find questions in EVERYTHING. Even brushing my teeth can bring on an existential question - it goes something like this: what's the point of brushing my teeth? Health. Whats the point of health? To be alive and have a good life. But why? What's life? Who even am I? Is there an afterlife? What if all of this isn't even real? What if I'm not real? What if the people on this forum saying they have the same obsessions aren't actually real? And so on and so on and so on. It was never ending for me 24 hours a day with constant compulsions (googling, rumination). ERP has helped with this tremendously because I don't allow myself to ruminate like this (takes practice of course) which helps me to break the cycle of adding to the unanswerable questions. It still gets to me sometimes but not nearly like before. If I allowed myself to it would though. Its so weird because you feel like you sound depressed even though you're most likely not. The "what's the point/meaning" thing is the worst and depressing

Yep exactly Katie! Exactly what ERP is about. For those who are still deep in this (where their mind involuntarily throws these thoughts at them everywhere they look) the biggest thing that helped me was completely disregarding any thought pertaining to the subject. "Distract and dismiss"

@meg615 yes I absolutely did. You described it so well. When I first heard about ERP I thought "well that's stupid, they're just being naive, I HAVE to figure it out". I still think this sometimes. But ERP gives me my freedom back to enjoy my life. When I'm stuck in a rumination cycle (which seems to just happen sometimes) I still think like this. Until I step back and realize I'm falling into OCD's trap again. My therapist always reminds me that if no one else has figured it out, I'm not going to either. I also realized there was no answer that would ever satisfy me. Even if somehow someone figured out the "answer" and had complete proof of it, it wouldn't satisfy my OCD. I remind myself that I'm up against my OCD, not the questions. Also I said the same thing to my therapist -- I can't shut it down forever! I have to figure out my religion! What religion am I?! Wrong. When OCD calmed down and my anxiety lowered, my religion was there and it was the same as before OCD took ahold of me. It still tries to pick at it sometimes, but your true self/beliefs are still there. I also obsessed over what's OCD and what isn't. I let go of this question the same way as any other OCD question. When I did, it didn't seem as complicated. Only rumination makes it seem complicated. I hope this makes sense - it's hard to describe all of it in text

You guys aren't alone! This got really bad for me at one point, and I became extremely obsessed with "enlightenment." The anxiety got so bad that I experienced dp/dr which perpetuated the idea that my self was dissolving into nothingness. It was the darkest months of my life, but persistent daily ERP has brought me back. Stay with it. The existential questioning is exhausting, but it's just OCD playing its tricks

I'm glad too :) I wish I'd seen people experiencing something so similar to me when I was at my worst. Even now that I'm doing better, it's still an amazing feeling to know others can understand completely. Best of luck everyone, stay strong you're one day closer to getting better

You have no idea how much I get this. I’m so sorry to hear someone else is going through this though. It’s one of the biggest topics in the world. And trying to tackle it while struggling with OCD is near impossible. I’m terrified of these questions about God, reality, possibly everything I ever knew being wrong. I can barely face it, I constantly feel the weight of it though. I hear you. I do the same thing, looking it up.... the only way I get out of the cycle is realizing that my mind will question everything, no matter what conclusion I come to, my mind won’t be satisfied, and I can’t think about these things if I’m completely exhausted. Hope this helps a little.

I think about it nonstop. Know you are not alone.

We had a thread on this app a few weeks ago talking about this, I wish I was able to post a link to it but NOCD doesn't give that option ?

I’m glad I’m not alone in this. I hope we can all find peace of mind soon. We can get through this, as scary as it is. It’s okay not to know the answers, maybe the answer is simply “I don’t know.”

Alissa, when you mention ERP, what I struggle with is feeling like I’m being ignorant or I’m missing something extremely important if I don’t “think or ruminate about it”. But also, I know if I’m so overwhelmed in rumination, it’s easier to think irrationally. It’s terrifying to think I’m missing something important, and I can’t shut it down forever right? Like, what if I need to pay attention to something? How do I know what’s important and what is just OCD? Did u experience this?

When I was at my worst with this I had no idea I had OCD or that this was an OCD theme. It was absolutely frightening. My googling compulsion did me a favor when it led me to an article on OCD

@meg you sound SO much like me. It's comforting honestly. I had the same exact questions (and sometimes still do-- I only started therapy a month ago).

It will feel completely unnatural and wrong at first to disregard these thoughts. But eventually you'll notice they pop into ur head less and less. And you get your life back a little more.... And you think hey, this kinda works

Hahaha thats so funny. It finds its way into the most ridiculous things. Sometimes the smallest things are the most triggering it's weird ? this week my therapist is having me repeat "I'm have the thought that [insert thought here]" and say it over and over again or in a funny voice in my head lol. At first you're like what how would that help and then you realize it actually does.. So weird

One time I thought to myself for a few weeks "whats the point of being happy if there's sadness in the world" and it brought me down. Then I realized you can usually flip these things around just like you said. In my case it was "whats the point of being sad if there's happiness in the world". I was mindblown and so was my OCD lol.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, I’m going to try my best to re-read this thread when I have the urge to google things. I truly appreciate your support, and again im so happy I’m not alone

Hi @alissaa (and I guess everyone else on this thread too). I know this is an old thread so I hope you see this and can provide some feedback. Maybe this warrants a trigger warning about existential ocd, so here’s it is. I know alisaa you said that when the existential ocd quieted down, that your religious beliefs remained. I have been struggling for a long time with existential ocd (I think, or maybe it’s an actual loss of faith). I am questioning everything I have believed about God, about Jesus, about death and what happens when we die—and I want so badly to believe what I once believed because it brought me comfort and meaning. But I’m having such a hard time believing any of it. And I guess in the end, if none of it is real, if God doesn’t exist and the only thing that happens when we die is that we cease to exist, then fine; there’s nothing I can do about that. But I want to believe in God again, or feel like I believe in God, and I want to feel like I believe in the tenets of Christianity because they shape my life and I feel an incredible sense of loss without them. So basically, I can’t (and no one can really) prove whether this stuff is true or not true. But I want to be able to feel the feeling of belief because it brings me comfort. I want to not obsess about this for the rest of my life. I’ve started doing some ERP work around these themes but I’m not sure whether it is doing much. Do you have any tips? I guess I’m looking for encouragement more than anything.

I feel like I have had this also a long time ago but since then went way. My OCD comes in waves of different type of ways. But I think I had what ur going through.

I used to think that am I just a dream or if I am in a coma. Stuff like that

Exactly. Figuring out what I was dealing with was OCD was the pivotal point for me. It takes away so many questions. It's also a little overwhelming in the beginning because you come up with so many little questions about OCD itself (which parts are OCD and which are not?). That phase passes. As far as medication, I personally do not take it. It can help lower anxiety levels in some people, but it does not take away the obsessions or compulsions, only ERP does. For some, medication makes them more able to do ERP work, but don't think that medication will fix it. It won't. Not for OCD as its to do with brain structure, not serotonin levels.

Thank you for the feedback, I’ll definitely be around here. I’ll work on finding a therapist. I really do feel relieved talking about this.

Take a breather.... Do your best to be mindful and focus on the present to the best of your ability for now. You will be okay. You're on your way.

Hi puppychino, they only way out is to do ERP daily for months on end. It may not feel like it is doing anything, and you may have multiple days in a row when it gets worse and you feel like you made zero progress, but just keep showing up for ERP and don't stop. If it takes a year, then so be it, but staying on defense and hoping for it to change never works. Go on offense and write scripts about how God and Jesus aren't real and we're all doomed to nothingness after death. Eventually that horrible dark panicky feeling you get when you read that will be a sarcastic laugh in your head saying "how ridiculous was that when I was so worried about that"

It’s comforting to know that it comes and goes but while it’s here it’s almost unbearable. It’s exhausting but hopefully I will move onto something less distressing soon

@alissaa yes, that makes complete sense to me! I feel so desperate to find a therapist now, and try this ERP or medication. I just hope someone listens to me and believes that I’m struggling with this. I’ve totally seen how when I do take a break and not ruminate, I am able to think more clearly. It always still tries to get me though. It fools me into paying attention to it everytime. Just knowing this. Is HUGE.

Thank you @ap1734. I have started doing some erp work but haven’t been super consistent with it.

Also, I’m glad you are doing better and that there’s a way out for you and hopefully for all of us.

Can anyone here give me tips without possible triggers. I constantly feel disconnected like I’m slowly losing it and get triggered easily.