I feel terrible and guilty writing this. I find my boyfriend’s best friend really physically attractive, maybe more attractive than my boyfriend. It’s giving me a serious case of “the grass is greener elsewhere” feelings. I find my boyfriend more emotionally attractive though. There’s a lot of “icks” with the other guy but I can’t get past his good looks. My boyfriend and I have similar values and he’d be a great life partner. The other guy, I’m pretty sure, would be emotionally unavailable in a relationship as he’s not looking for anything serious which feels familiar to me as in the past I only fell in love with emotionally unavailable men. My boyfriend isn’t the most conventionally attractive guy, he’s average but sometimes I think he’s really attractive and he does turn me on. I’ve experienced ROCD thoughts since the beginning (am I in love, do I find him attractive enough?). Last weekend was amazing, we’d spent two weeks not seeing each other because we were both away and coming back together felt like the honeymoon phase again. I was so in love and told him I loved him whilst looking him in the eyes and I didn’t doubt my feelings at all. We talked about getting engaged and I was whole heartedly in it. His best friend has become another focus of my anxious thoughts but there’s some truth behind it which makes me more worried and more convinced I shouldn’t be in this relationship. It feels unfair on him but I want him to be my forever. Please don’t be harsh if you comment, it’s taken a lot to type this out and get it off my chest

I need advice. I’ve had OCD in different forms since I was eight. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. He has always been subtly anxious and jealous. He would say things like, “I find everyone but you ugly” or “I could never find anyone else attractive.” That stressed me out morally, especially since it’s our first relationship and I, of course, want to be good enough for him. It started around the three-month mark of our relationship. Now to the problem: When I see someone who is attractive or cute, it already begins. I start thinking—or rather, I don’t just think, I feel. I genuinely and naturally feel these emotions, like I find that person attractive, like I like them, like I want them. I even feel infatuated, like I want to be with them, spend time with them, be their partner, even sexual scenarios or feelings like I love them. These emotions feel so natural and real that I can’t tell the difference. With one person, I’ve had these feelings for over a year. But I only know most of these people by sight. It could be that I’ve fallen in love with the idea of them. That’s a big issue for me. It completely goes against my moral values. I don’t want this. For me, it would be terrible to have a crush on someone else, to like someone else, or to fall in love with another person. Or worse, to love someone else. Because I do love my partner, and I want a future with him. And I know the relationship wouldn’t survive if my fears came true. Even if he always tells me, ‘No, I wouldn’t break up with you,’ I couldn’t live with it myself. And the thing is, it’s not even such an unrealistic fear. It’s not like I’m afraid I want to kill someone or that I have feelings like that. No, this topic I’m dealing with involves real people. There are many people who suddenly fall for someone else, who develop a crush or even fall in love with another person. And I can’t reconcile that with myself. A year ago, I saw someone, and it hit me like a shock (I think in a negative way). Yes, he is attractive or cute. But in that moment, I felt so much fear, panic, and adrenaline because I felt and thought that I liked him more than my partner. When that happens, I start testing my feelings again. And of course, I feel exactly what I’m afraid of. I then constantly feel this pressure or burden, along with guilt. When I think about a scenario, or imagine the person, those feelings come immediately—followed by fear, panic, and guilt. Because of that, I avoid certain places, things, or even numbers because I’m afraid of being triggered. By now, I’m convinced these are my true feelings, because I just can’t imagine that OCD could produce such emotions, and for such a long time—sometimes over a year. I simply don’t want this. I just feel awful, like a monster. What should I do?

I’m struggling so much and I really need to let this out. Everything I think and feel about my boyfriend and my relationship feels so real. It doesn’t feel like “just thoughts.” It feels like clarity. Like something in me finally accepted the truth I’ve been trying to deny for a long time. I keep thinking things like: • “I don’t like him.” • “I don’t love him.” • “I never did, I just thought I did.” • “I’m only here because I wanted a relationship and he’s a good person.” These thoughts don’t feel intrusive — they feel like truths. And that terrifies me. We’ve been together for a long time and he truly loves me. He supports me. He’s kind. But I keep feeling distant. Like I don’t connect to him. Sometimes I even feel disgust or anxiety when I’m near him, and I hate admitting that because he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t feel warmth when I look at him or think about us. I can’t even imagine a future together — and that used to be all I dreamed about. What hurts even more is that I used to feel more grounded, I used to have hope. Now I feel like everything has collapsed and nothing makes sense. I’m constantly analyzing if I love him or not. I don’t know if it’s ROCD or if I’m just forcing a relationship I don’t want deep down. Sometimes, I tell myself: “I must love him, because I’m suffering so much.” But other times I think: “Maybe I’m just a good person who doesn’t want to hurt someone, and that’s why I stay.” I feel like I’m drowning in guilt, confusion, and fear. I can’t talk to my mom about this anymore because she’s overwhelmed. I don’t know who to talk to without making it worse. Even when I try to be calm, the thoughts are there, or this numbness is there. I don’t know how to sit with these thoughts anymore. They don’t feel like thoughts — they feel like my reality. Please, if anyone relates, I would appreciate hearing from you. This is the darkest I’ve felt. Thank you for reading.

Okay. This might be a little long. Basically I’m just wondering if this is really ROCD or if I officially lost feelings for my current boyfriend. BACKGROUND ABOUT ME: I assume this might help whoever reads this, and that may explain my situation. Long story short I have bad anxiety and OCD about intrusive thoughts. I figured out about my anxiety from a therapist after it started to get really bad when I was in middle school. However I figured out about my OCD this year. Before middle school I started to get anxiety from my dad. My parents divorced and he was an emotional abuser and very narcissistic. So since I was little I was always careful on what I did and said. And then another topic is that I had an ex bf who acted close to him. He was very insecure so he was controlling over me and was narcissistic and also emotionally abusive towards me. Always played the victim, etc. So he kind of traumatized me because we fought daily and just the way he treated me. My current bf is a green flag to me. We don’t fight, he is kind, understanding, funny. He checks all my boxes. Me and him were friends for about a year before we considered being together. 2 MONTHS AGO: this is when it started. It was a Sunday and me and him were going to an event at my school. It was for seniors because we were graduating the Sunday coming up. And we hung out the past 2 days and from what I remember things were like they were. Me and him were about to hit 8months the up coming Monday and I did understand that’s the time where the “honeymoon” phase becomes more.. I’ll say realistic? Anyway, we were close to leaving and something in my gut was off. Idk what it was. Idk if I was nervous for the event or something. But I just had a weird feeling. Again I have bad anxiety and OCD so I was scared about all the kids that were there. I don’t know. Anyway we left and when got to about 3 minutes away from our location my bf turns to me in the car and tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he loves me. Then the thought “idk if I love you the same anymore” came in my head. And my gut feeling worsened. It was unnoticeable before but after he said that and I thought what I thought it got so much worse. Like it was sickening for me. I I love you back immediately but that thought.. I didn’t let it go. I couldn’t enjoy the night at all. I tried to act like everything was fine but inside I was suffering. Later that night he took me home. And I couldn’t get rid of that thought in my head. We FaceTimed a bit later like we did almost every night but I couldn’t be on the phone. Every time I looked at him I felt guilty and that thought kept coming back that I lost my love for him. So about 5-10 mins later I told him I was tired, said our goodnights and hung up. I cried. I didn’t like what I was feeling and I didn’t know what it meant. It was hard to fall asleep but once I did I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the thought about my bf. I got up to splash water in my face to cool me off because I was sweating. I got ready for school and I was crying I was confused, worried, I didn’t even know. I cried to my mom later and she didn’t know what to say or do. I cried all day at school and my gut feeling was horrible. I’ve never had it as bad as I did the first few days after this started. PRESENT(2months later): I already typed a lot so I don’t want to make entire book. But now, it’s like the gut feeling is there but tolerable. I still get the thoughts and the gut feeling does worsen a bit when my bf texts me and I see his face in photos and such. Or even think about him. My main concern is that we are supposed to go on a trip together next month and before this happened I was so excited to go with him. And now it’s like “what if I’m not better” “I don’t love him anymore to go with him.” Idk what to do. It’s like a chore for everything, when I text him, hanging out, calling him. Everything. Idk why to do. Idk if it’s because I was reck for the event or because of graduation and needed a reason for my nervousness? Idk. He didn’t do anything, he hasn’t done a single thing but be there for me. As much as I’ve been there for him. I don’t want to lose him. There is more to this story so if you want to ask go for it. I know this is hella long so. But I just want the help. Please let me know!!