I feel terrible and guilty writing this. I find my boyfriend’s best friend really physically attractive, maybe more attractive than my boyfriend. It’s giving me a serious case of “the grass is greener elsewhere” feelings. I find my boyfriend more emotionally attractive though. There’s a lot of “icks” with the other guy but I can’t get past his good looks. My boyfriend and I have similar values and he’d be a great life partner. The other guy, I’m pretty sure, would be emotionally unavailable in a relationship as he’s not looking for anything serious which feels familiar to me as in the past I only fell in love with emotionally unavailable men. My boyfriend isn’t the most conventionally attractive guy, he’s average but sometimes I think he’s really attractive and he does turn me on. I’ve experienced ROCD thoughts since the beginning (am I in love, do I find him attractive enough?). Last weekend was amazing, we’d spent two weeks not seeing each other because we were both away and coming back together felt like the honeymoon phase again. I was so in love and told him I loved him whilst looking him in the eyes and I didn’t doubt my feelings at all. We talked about getting engaged and I was whole heartedly in it. His best friend has become another focus of my anxious thoughts but there’s some truth behind it which makes me more worried and more convinced I shouldn’t be in this relationship. It feels unfair on him but I want him to be my forever. Please don’t be harsh if you comment, it’s taken a lot to type this out and get it off my chest

Relationship OCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 3y

It sounds like OCD is trying to play tricks on you and your current boyfriend's relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding someone else good looking while in a relationship. Of course, if you're acting on that and taking it seriously, that's an issue, which doesn't sound like what you're doing. I think a person being attracted to someone is something they can't help. Everyone is wired differently. One person that may not be attractive to someone does it for another person. Another thing. You don't want to try and prove your feelings to your boyfriend as proof or confirmation of what OCD is saying. You know how OCD is: It's just gonna make you doubt regardless. Catch the thoughts that don't help you, label them, and move on. Continue being happy with your boyfriend. I hope this helps

CaptainKierk...

Date posted: 3y

I have a lot of thoughts on this sort of thing (monogamy is a very dear value of mine and cheating obsessions and fear of losing attraction to my gf are themes of mine). Here are my two cents: “Conventionally attractive” is not something you have to recognize. Attraction is subjective. Sometimes we like the “security” of conventionally attractive features, because it seems tried and true, because society tells us it is what’s real. It is a construct, meaning it is epistemologically objective, meaning you can identify just what makes someone conventionally attractive. But a construct also means it is ontologically subjective— it only exists if we recognize it. Instead of staying in that comfort zone of conditioning ourselves to like what is conventionally attractive, why not dive into the deep end— the definition of attractive that is authentic to you? Why can’t you decide your boyfriend is your definition of attractive — even physically? Since it’s subjective, who can say you’re wrong? Of course this involves some fear— what if I never overcome my conditioned desire for x feature? what if i never overcome my conditioned distaste for y feature? Even when you don’t actually find anyone else attractive, these fears can still show up. The tools we have to deal with OCD are well suited to deal with these fears too. One important step to this is addressing how we look at people other than our partner. We see someone and they get a response from our brain, but what do we do in response? Something that hurts my attraction to my gf is to savor the image, to try and trap it in my head, like a chipmunk storing acorns in its cheeks for later. Or the OCD response, which is to anxiously compare my gf to see if she “measures up” or if my response is as immediate. But the response that gives life to my relationship is to do nothing to appreciate or suppress it— just let it fly away, never keeping it for my private appreciation, never comparing it to my partner. Because we have chosen to make a sharp division between our partner and everyone else. We have designated them as the person to whom we are monogamously committed. As such, they are in a different category altogether. How can you compare apples and oranges? It is when we dilute our faculties to savor and to create exalting narratives by using these on others that we begin to place our partner on the same plane as everyone else, subject to arbitrary standards similar to those we use to shop for dead objects. It is a sacrifice. It may mean giving up things we might hold dear, like porn, celebrity crushes, prior sexual partners, etc. But imo what we lose in those fantasies of the unobtainable is more than made up for in the life we actually live. Hope this helps.

Tillyyyx

Date posted: 3y

@CaptainKierkegaard I really love this response ! Everything you said resonated with me I think you have summed it up perfectly , vey intelligently written too

KEliz

Date posted: 3y

Yes of course you are sometimes going to find other people attractive EVEN when you are dating someone you love very much. It’s human nature. I’ve been struggling with something similar in my relationship. I’ll see someone attractive and go, oh no.. what if they are a better fit for me? Or I’ll have a good conversation with someone and think… oh no what if I would be more compatible with this person instead? The most helpful thing to do (in my experience) is to do the following: 1) realize these kinds of concerns/ obsession (i.e. worrying if finding someone attractive or fun to talk to etc. means you shouldn’t be with your partner) is an OCD thought, 2) ask yourself - do you know for 100% certain who your best partner is? (If the answer is no.. then there is no reason to try and solve something you don’t know because there is NO way to find this answer with 100% certainty). 3) have faith in your future self and know that you chose to commit to your partner today. The only thing you need to handle right now is what is in front of you. Your ocd/ fear is trying to get you to think that if you worry about these things now and ruminate/ analyze these concerns.. it will save you from your fear materializing. But really ocd makes things very unclear and not enjoyable. Try and return to the present with yourself and your partner :)

EM77

Date posted: 3y

Thank you everyone for your really thought out and detailed responses, they’re really appreciated! I would never cheat on him, I love and respect him too much to do that to such a wonderful soul. I want to build a future with him so I will treat this like any OCD thought and take on some of the advice you’ve all given. Thank you so much again

Mariabae

Date posted: 25w

please read

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth

30scd

Date posted: 20w

ROCD/Feelings

I need advice. I’ve had OCD in different forms since I was eight. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. He has always been subtly anxious and jealous. He would say things like, “I find everyone but you ugly” or “I could never find anyone else attractive.” That stressed me out morally, especially since it’s our first relationship and I, of course, want to be good enough for him. It started around the three-month mark of our relationship. Now to the problem: When I see someone who is attractive or cute, it already begins. I start thinking—or rather, I don’t just think, I feel. I genuinely and naturally feel these emotions, like I find that person attractive, like I like them, like I want them. I even feel infatuated, like I want to be with them, spend time with them, be their partner, even sexual scenarios or feelings like I love them. These emotions feel so natural and real that I can’t tell the difference. With one person, I’ve had these feelings for over a year. But I only know most of these people by sight. It could be that I’ve fallen in love with the idea of them. That’s a big issue for me. It completely goes against my moral values. I don’t want this. For me, it would be terrible to have a crush on someone else, to like someone else, or to fall in love with another person. Or worse, to love someone else. Because I do love my partner, and I want a future with him. And I know the relationship wouldn’t survive if my fears came true. Even if he always tells me, ‘No, I wouldn’t break up with you,’ I couldn’t live with it myself. And the thing is, it’s not even such an unrealistic fear. It’s not like I’m afraid I want to kill someone or that I have feelings like that. No, this topic I’m dealing with involves real people. There are many people who suddenly fall for someone else, who develop a crush or even fall in love with another person. And I can’t reconcile that with myself. A year ago, I saw someone, and it hit me like a shock (I think in a negative way). Yes, he is attractive or cute. But in that moment, I felt so much fear, panic, and adrenaline because I felt and thought that I liked him more than my partner. When that happens, I start testing my feelings again. And of course, I feel exactly what I’m afraid of. I then constantly feel this pressure or burden, along with guilt. When I think about a scenario, or imagine the person, those feelings come immediately—followed by fear, panic, and guilt. Because of that, I avoid certain places, things, or even numbers because I’m afraid of being triggered. By now, I’m convinced these are my true feelings, because I just can’t imagine that OCD could produce such emotions, and for such a long time—sometimes over a year. I simply don’t want this. I just feel awful, like a monster. What should I do?

Mariabae

Date posted: 16w

help

I’m struggling so much and I really need to let this out. Everything I think and feel about my boyfriend and my relationship feels so real. It doesn’t feel like “just thoughts.” It feels like clarity. Like something in me finally accepted the truth I’ve been trying to deny for a long time. I keep thinking things like: • “I don’t like him.” • “I don’t love him.” • “I never did, I just thought I did.” • “I’m only here because I wanted a relationship and he’s a good person.” These thoughts don’t feel intrusive — they feel like truths. And that terrifies me. We’ve been together for a long time and he truly loves me. He supports me. He’s kind. But I keep feeling distant. Like I don’t connect to him. Sometimes I even feel disgust or anxiety when I’m near him, and I hate admitting that because he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t feel warmth when I look at him or think about us. I can’t even imagine a future together — and that used to be all I dreamed about. What hurts even more is that I used to feel more grounded, I used to have hope. Now I feel like everything has collapsed and nothing makes sense. I’m constantly analyzing if I love him or not. I don’t know if it’s ROCD or if I’m just forcing a relationship I don’t want deep down. Sometimes, I tell myself: “I must love him, because I’m suffering so much.” But other times I think: “Maybe I’m just a good person who doesn’t want to hurt someone, and that’s why I stay.” I feel like I’m drowning in guilt, confusion, and fear. I can’t talk to my mom about this anymore because she’s overwhelmed. I don’t know who to talk to without making it worse. Even when I try to be calm, the thoughts are there, or this numbness is there. I don’t know how to sit with these thoughts anymore. They don’t feel like thoughts — they feel like my reality. Please, if anyone relates, I would appreciate hearing from you. This is the darkest I’ve felt. Thank you for reading.

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