- Username
- EM77
- Date posted
- 2y ago
It sounds like OCD is trying to play tricks on you and your current boyfriend's relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding someone else good looking while in a relationship. Of course, if you're acting on that and taking it seriously, that's an issue, which doesn't sound like what you're doing. I think a person being attracted to someone is something they can't help. Everyone is wired differently. One person that may not be attractive to someone does it for another person. Another thing. You don't want to try and prove your feelings to your boyfriend as proof or confirmation of what OCD is saying. You know how OCD is: It's just gonna make you doubt regardless. Catch the thoughts that don't help you, label them, and move on. Continue being happy with your boyfriend. I hope this helps
I have a lot of thoughts on this sort of thing (monogamy is a very dear value of mine and cheating obsessions and fear of losing attraction to my gf are themes of mine). Here are my two cents: “Conventionally attractive” is not something you have to recognize. Attraction is subjective. Sometimes we like the “security” of conventionally attractive features, because it seems tried and true, because society tells us it is what’s real. It is a construct, meaning it is epistemologically objective, meaning you can identify just what makes someone conventionally attractive. But a construct also means it is ontologically subjective— it only exists if we recognize it. Instead of staying in that comfort zone of conditioning ourselves to like what is conventionally attractive, why not dive into the deep end— the definition of attractive that is authentic to you? Why can’t you decide your boyfriend is your definition of attractive — even physically? Since it’s subjective, who can say you’re wrong? Of course this involves some fear— what if I never overcome my conditioned desire for x feature? what if i never overcome my conditioned distaste for y feature? Even when you don’t actually find anyone else attractive, these fears can still show up. The tools we have to deal with OCD are well suited to deal with these fears too. One important step to this is addressing how we look at people other than our partner. We see someone and they get a response from our brain, but what do we do in response? Something that hurts my attraction to my gf is to savor the image, to try and trap it in my head, like a chipmunk storing acorns in its cheeks for later. Or the OCD response, which is to anxiously compare my gf to see if she “measures up” or if my response is as immediate. But the response that gives life to my relationship is to do nothing to appreciate or suppress it— just let it fly away, never keeping it for my private appreciation, never comparing it to my partner. Because we have chosen to make a sharp division between our partner and everyone else. We have designated them as the person to whom we are monogamously committed. As such, they are in a different category altogether. How can you compare apples and oranges? It is when we dilute our faculties to savor and to create exalting narratives by using these on others that we begin to place our partner on the same plane as everyone else, subject to arbitrary standards similar to those we use to shop for dead objects. It is a sacrifice. It may mean giving up things we might hold dear, like porn, celebrity crushes, prior sexual partners, etc. But imo what we lose in those fantasies of the unobtainable is more than made up for in the life we actually live. Hope this helps.
@CaptainKierkegaard I really love this response ! Everything you said resonated with me I think you have summed it up perfectly , vey intelligently written too
Yes of course you are sometimes going to find other people attractive EVEN when you are dating someone you love very much. It’s human nature. I’ve been struggling with something similar in my relationship. I’ll see someone attractive and go, oh no.. what if they are a better fit for me? Or I’ll have a good conversation with someone and think… oh no what if I would be more compatible with this person instead? The most helpful thing to do (in my experience) is to do the following: 1) realize these kinds of concerns/ obsession (i.e. worrying if finding someone attractive or fun to talk to etc. means you shouldn’t be with your partner) is an OCD thought, 2) ask yourself - do you know for 100% certain who your best partner is? (If the answer is no.. then there is no reason to try and solve something you don’t know because there is NO way to find this answer with 100% certainty). 3) have faith in your future self and know that you chose to commit to your partner today. The only thing you need to handle right now is what is in front of you. Your ocd/ fear is trying to get you to think that if you worry about these things now and ruminate/ analyze these concerns.. it will save you from your fear materializing. But really ocd makes things very unclear and not enjoyable. Try and return to the present with yourself and your partner :)
Thank you everyone for your really thought out and detailed responses, they’re really appreciated! I would never cheat on him, I love and respect him too much to do that to such a wonderful soul. I want to build a future with him so I will treat this like any OCD thought and take on some of the advice you’ve all given. Thank you so much again
Hey guys, I’m new here but I’m already loving this supportive app. I have been with my boyfriend who is so sweet and amazing for 4 years now, but about 3 months in I started feeling like I was settling or that something was not right because I did not have the same sparks that I did with previous not so great boyfriends. I would talk with him about my thoughts and feelings and he would talk me down and say spot on things that addressed what I was thinking/feeling without even knowing he was doing so, and things would go back to normal for a while. Every few months I would freak out due to an “inner feeling” and feel disabled in my body and thoughts- heavy anxiety, depression, comparison, nit-picking, constantly googling relationship articles, talking to friends and so on. Every article, friend, and even my therapist at the time would say “maybe he’s just not the one for you and your body is letting you know, or maybe you’re looking for permission to break up with him.” So then I would become obsessive over that thought. Finally, a few months ago I came across the term “ROCD” and it pin pointed all of my thoughts and actions that I’ve been struggling with for 4 years. I didn’t believe it at first, thinking that the ROCD is a new thing for me, but after thinking on past events in my life I figured out that I’ve had always had different forms of OCD, and I actually have experienced ROCD before too. Anyway, all of that to say, today I am experiencing the thoughts again. “Is he attractive enough, or am I attracted to him?” “What if there is someone who could better suit me?” “Could I live with him forever (he’s so great)?” “Sometimes great people in a great relationship just aren’t meant to be. Is that my relationship?” “Am I really in love with him?” Etc... Two weeks ago I literally skipped all of my classes one day because I was googling articles. I’m ashamed of it. Am I alone in this or can someone else relate? Sorry for the super long post! Just wanted to give some background info! Thanks in advance for any help!!!
My therapist said to be that she wasn’t sure if I have ROCD on my call to her yesterday and now I feel really anxious! I love my boyfriend I desperately want things to work out between us but my obsession is I worry that I’m not attracted to him like the spark is missing. The more I get to know him the closer I feel to him and I adore him. No he’s not my usual type and I think In the beginning this held me back getting close to him as I had a very strict idea of what I wanted and I would always discount anyone who fit didn’t fit that type without getting to know them (shallow yes)! But with him I’ve fallen in love with non superficial things but this past idea of ‘type’ is stopping me from being completely vulnerable as I think I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s wrong as it isn’t the person I imagined myself being with in my head. Like if things are going well I tell myself ‘ don’t fool yourself you’re only going to hurt him in the long run cause he’s not your type deep down.’ I worry about what other people will think , like I worry about people making negative comments about him and I hate that I care about that. I’ve always cared what other people think of me too much and now I’ve projected this onto my boyfriend. In the past I’ve never properly loved someone as I always selfishly picked someone who I thought looked good next to me kind of thing , I haven’t had many serious relationships where I’ve shown my true self it’s been all about flirting and proving to myself that I was good enough to be with that person to be honest. With my boyfriend it’s so different we know each other so well we have so much in common and I just need some advice now :(
Hello, I am 20 years old and I believe I’m suffering from ROCD. I’ve had these issues on an off in my 2 year relationship and it’s been a big struggle for me. My boyfriend is the best, kindest soul I know and I just never want to lose him. The story is kind of confusing but bear with me. My childhood crush from when I was a sophomore in high school is still really close friends with my cousin, so I see him a lot. I am always worried and freaking out that I still like this childhood crush, Im constantly checking my feelings, looking things up, and just ruminating all day. It’s been very triggering for me and stressful. I constantly feel like I need to breakup with my boyfriend because “what if i still like him” (my childhood crush). I need opinions on what you guys think I should do. I don’t know if i’m just insecure and scared of losing my boyfriend or if I’m genuinely still having feelings for this past person. I will say I have had a history with sexual orientation ocd so I have had many experiences like this before.
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