- Date posted
- 2y
- Date posted
- 2y
It sounds like OCD is trying to play tricks on you and your current boyfriend's relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding someone else good looking while in a relationship. Of course, if you're acting on that and taking it seriously, that's an issue, which doesn't sound like what you're doing. I think a person being attracted to someone is something they can't help. Everyone is wired differently. One person that may not be attractive to someone does it for another person. Another thing. You don't want to try and prove your feelings to your boyfriend as proof or confirmation of what OCD is saying. You know how OCD is: It's just gonna make you doubt regardless. Catch the thoughts that don't help you, label them, and move on. Continue being happy with your boyfriend. I hope this helps
- Date posted
- 2y
I have a lot of thoughts on this sort of thing (monogamy is a very dear value of mine and cheating obsessions and fear of losing attraction to my gf are themes of mine). Here are my two cents: “Conventionally attractive” is not something you have to recognize. Attraction is subjective. Sometimes we like the “security” of conventionally attractive features, because it seems tried and true, because society tells us it is what’s real. It is a construct, meaning it is epistemologically objective, meaning you can identify just what makes someone conventionally attractive. But a construct also means it is ontologically subjective— it only exists if we recognize it. Instead of staying in that comfort zone of conditioning ourselves to like what is conventionally attractive, why not dive into the deep end— the definition of attractive that is authentic to you? Why can’t you decide your boyfriend is your definition of attractive — even physically? Since it’s subjective, who can say you’re wrong? Of course this involves some fear— what if I never overcome my conditioned desire for x feature? what if i never overcome my conditioned distaste for y feature? Even when you don’t actually find anyone else attractive, these fears can still show up. The tools we have to deal with OCD are well suited to deal with these fears too. One important step to this is addressing how we look at people other than our partner. We see someone and they get a response from our brain, but what do we do in response? Something that hurts my attraction to my gf is to savor the image, to try and trap it in my head, like a chipmunk storing acorns in its cheeks for later. Or the OCD response, which is to anxiously compare my gf to see if she “measures up” or if my response is as immediate. But the response that gives life to my relationship is to do nothing to appreciate or suppress it— just let it fly away, never keeping it for my private appreciation, never comparing it to my partner. Because we have chosen to make a sharp division between our partner and everyone else. We have designated them as the person to whom we are monogamously committed. As such, they are in a different category altogether. How can you compare apples and oranges? It is when we dilute our faculties to savor and to create exalting narratives by using these on others that we begin to place our partner on the same plane as everyone else, subject to arbitrary standards similar to those we use to shop for dead objects. It is a sacrifice. It may mean giving up things we might hold dear, like porn, celebrity crushes, prior sexual partners, etc. But imo what we lose in those fantasies of the unobtainable is more than made up for in the life we actually live. Hope this helps.
- Date posted
- 2y
@CaptainKierkegaard I really love this response ! Everything you said resonated with me I think you have summed it up perfectly , vey intelligently written too
- Date posted
- 2y
Yes of course you are sometimes going to find other people attractive EVEN when you are dating someone you love very much. It’s human nature. I’ve been struggling with something similar in my relationship. I’ll see someone attractive and go, oh no.. what if they are a better fit for me? Or I’ll have a good conversation with someone and think… oh no what if I would be more compatible with this person instead? The most helpful thing to do (in my experience) is to do the following: 1) realize these kinds of concerns/ obsession (i.e. worrying if finding someone attractive or fun to talk to etc. means you shouldn’t be with your partner) is an OCD thought, 2) ask yourself - do you know for 100% certain who your best partner is? (If the answer is no.. then there is no reason to try and solve something you don’t know because there is NO way to find this answer with 100% certainty). 3) have faith in your future self and know that you chose to commit to your partner today. The only thing you need to handle right now is what is in front of you. Your ocd/ fear is trying to get you to think that if you worry about these things now and ruminate/ analyze these concerns.. it will save you from your fear materializing. But really ocd makes things very unclear and not enjoyable. Try and return to the present with yourself and your partner :)
- Date posted
- 2y
Thank you everyone for your really thought out and detailed responses, they’re really appreciated! I would never cheat on him, I love and respect him too much to do that to such a wonderful soul. I want to build a future with him so I will treat this like any OCD thought and take on some of the advice you’ve all given. Thank you so much again
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
For the past 3 months ish I’ve been struggling on and off with this anxiety and fixation over my relationship. To wondering if i still have feelings for an old friend, wondering if i actually love him, wondering if the thoughts are all real and im just trying to cover it up with ocd. It sucks, when im talking to my boyfriend i feel fine. The words i love you and talks about the future come naturally. I can’t imagine myself with anyone but him. But this constant rumination on my relationship is KILLING me and I’m scared it’s going to ruin what i have. It makes me numb and disconnected which therefore makes me believe the thoughts even more. They just feel so real sometimes and it’s so scary like why can i not just enjoy it. We’ve been together for a while so i know there’s periods of like feelings ebb and flowing but this is so much more. It’s just constantly sitting on my chest with anxiety. My compulsions are coming on this app, looking at photos of us and confessing it to him. He’s very understanding and helpful. I love him so much. I just need help / I’m also just starting new meds as well ..
- Date posted
- 21w
I’ve been struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming, and I’m hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this experience. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in ‘what if’ scenarios—where I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, I’m in a relationship that I love, and I don’t want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when I’m upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. I’m constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. He’s just never been the type to daydream, so he doesn’t know if this is something other people experience or if it’s just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?
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- Date posted
- 5d
Does anybody else face both SOOCD and ROCD? I feel like it has been an ongoing cycle since January and now its July. This all started over a “should I kiss her” thought when dropping off a friend at home and ever since then, it is ongoing. My reaction used to be to cry and panic, and now its kinda mellowing out which scares me into thinking it could be real (all because my reaction is not what it used to be). I also have been facing sheer panic anytime I face something related to coming out. For instance, I seen a post on social media the other day about a women who came out after 14 years being with a man, after she rekindled a friendship with an old female friend…My head goes “so it could happen to me”. Or for instance, the other day, my grandma gave me a hoodie to give to my mom, or for me to keep for myself if it fit, and of course when she showed it to me, it had a rainbow heart and rainbow draw strings. This immediately sent me into a stomach turning panic. On the other hand, this is causing me to feel like I need to leave my boyfriend because what if I leave him in future anyway because of my sexuality. What if im saving him? This has all stopped me from feeling anything towards him and our relationship and Im scared on what that means. I know a lot of things read that it can cause a mental shut out of emotions, and a disconnect in the relationship, but it is making me feel nothing anymore and im scared that it means its time to let go. Our relationship has been nothing but perfect for 2 years. We barely argue and if we do, it is over quickly. Hes always opening my door, checking on me, taking me to do things to create memories, etc. I know that the honeymoon phase ends quickly but im having a hard time disassociating the difference between honeymoon phase is over, this is normal, or if I should leave him and because of the SOOCD thing or maybe I really am not straight. Thank you to whoever read all this. Im sorry for it being so long.
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