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Username: Givenup

Date posted: 2y ago

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Can intrusive thoughts make past actions feel like ongoing guilt and fear?

POCD and real events OCD story

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭 It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts… I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am… Part 2. I am awake in the late night as I type all of this out.. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the past masturbation to loli hentai and other explicit comics / fanfics with adult and really young cartoon characters couple of times unknowingly when I was 12, and 14 and occasionally unknowingly when I was 17-18. (Ex. Marge and Lisa) I had stopped three years ago, and I'm 20 now but I'm getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it and feel triggered by it… I didn't know what the content was in any way at the time or what it represented… and while I avoided most of the content, the videos of them had millions of views, both the videos and the fanfics / comics were on public sites, and some of the creators said they were 18 in some of the videos, so I thought it was safe to watch... I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I'm worthless. I'm a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all….. god help me.…. just recently I was watching hentai for the first time in a while, hoping to find regular stuff with women my age or above and I kept stumbling onto loli again. I got triggered and I left the videos immediately of course, but it's giving me memories back to those moments and it's making me feel like I want to watch when I dont. I skipped it of course. I hate this POCD (if this is even POCD) and I hate myself and you should hate me too… It’s making me feel like I’m not anxious about the real event OCD intrusive thoughts right now and more intrusive thoughts of being in denial because of the lack of anxious feelings… 😞😞😞 I know the real events (especially the real events when I was 13) that trigger my real event OCD were horrible and I regret them horribly… and my POCD and real event OCD is telling me that I’m a P and a m*lestor and making me feel like I’m accepting it… plus my intrusive thoughts are giving me false memories of either events that didn’t happen or my intentions during the event and saying that I’m worse than a p or a chomo… 😭😭😭 I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo or anything like that in any way… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child r*pist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts… I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…

Username: Pure Torture 😭Pure Torture 😭

Date posted: 2y ago

I truly feel people with OCD have the purest hearts because we spend all of our time worried about other’s. We honestly are probably the safest people anyone could leave their child with. I can relate to you and hope you find peace.

Username: McDuckoMcDucko

Date posted: 2y ago

Well said!

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous T When there are real events that have happened your POCD and real events OCD call you a P, a chomo, and a r*pist for, it honestly just hurts me so so much…

Username: Pure Torture 😭Pure Torture 😭

Date posted: 2y ago

@yup_its_ocd Thank you.

Username: Pure Torture 😭Pure Torture 😭

Date posted: 2y ago

@Givenup Trust me I get it. I thought I had something majorly wrong with me. And then I learned more about OCD and the subtypes and realized it wasn’t just me experiencing these thoughts so I remind myself it’s the disorder not who I actually am. I am not currently in therapy and I am not a therapist so I hope what I am saying is not making it worse. Just know you are not alone!!!

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous T Even with real events involved?

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y ago

Honestly whatever you did at the time should be left alone. You were a child. Children aren't supposed to come into contact with pornography yet unfortunately, a lot of them do. It's really heartbreaking because stuff like this can happen when people grow up. It's happen to me as well. It honestly feels like this could be traumatic for people that go through with this. Especially suffers of POCD. I started viewing that stuff when I was only 11, but it didn't become an addiction until I turned 13. That's the average age of exposure according to Fight The New Drug. This seriously can have an effect on some children when they become adults, like it's affecting us and others. Mine started with cartoons from my childhood which included characters that were both around my age and adults. At that time, you just don't understand these things at such a young age. It's very manipulative and it takes advantage of your mind. When you're much older, you know what happened to you, but you blame yourself. That's not what we should be doing. When I got very addicted to the videos, the themed escalated to things I never even knew existed. A bunch of different fetishes, bunch of shocking videos, and videos that were straight up degrading or crossing the line moral wise. The only reason to keep watching is because those are the shocking videos that give you a dopamine hit when watching. See what I mean by this being manipulative? Especially when you're a teenager full of hormones that doesn't understand sex. It's even worse when people take advantage of these kids at any point. These years can be insanely difficult when you have little guidance for these things. I remember seeing a lot of insane content through my addiction and for a long time I've had a lot of guilt and shame for this, but I think I'm slowly learning to let go of it. We were only teenagers. For me personally, high school was a bad time and I used pornography as an escape to get through those times. Eventually, they became a crutch for me to lean onto. Child celebrity crushes I had when I was a kid, adult celebrities, cartoons, hentai, tons and tons of different genres on sites, and sometimes stumbling upon videos of people my age. At the time, when I was still too young, I thought there was nothing wrong with it. Now, I'm extremely disappointed that I thought that way, but I'm trying my best to not beat myself up over it. I'm trying my best to accept that I wasn't perfect, I didn't understand what was going on, didn't understand the problems with that, but now I do. Now you do as well. You're constantly saying you didn't understand what was being seen when you were only 13, and that's fine. Now you do. Just like me, you don't want to be a r**ist, a chomo, or anything like that. OCD is here to make you believe that but it isn't true. I hope this does help. I just want to let you know that this stuff happens to many teenagers these days, which is very unfortunate. Not their faults though. Porn addiction, sexting, etc. What we need to do now is seek help to fix this worrying and this OCD. It isn't helping us, it's the problem. The event itself I wouldn't even say is the issue. I hope you get the help you need. You aren't alone.

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 2y ago

@BigGip09 The porn usage real events and the other horrible real events when I was 13 are two separate events. I had no idea on how horrible the other real events when I was 13 were at the time… I really didn’t…

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y ago

@Givenup They don't matter. You were 13 years old. That's 7 years ago. Your OCD is trying to make it seem like it does though. Think about it, do you ever see anybody get hassled for the behaviors they've done as literal children? None that I know of. So why would you? It's not fair and deep down you probably know it's not fair, so you should give yourself a break and just seek the help you need, which won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

Username: userrrruserrrr

Date posted: 2y ago

this is heartbreaking to read ❤️ you don’t deserve this much suffering

Username: McDuckoMcDucko

Date posted: 2y ago

You really need to see a specialist and try to not do this again. This is a compulsion. Compulsions are done to soothe OCD and will inevitably make OCD worse because OCD ends up needing more and more reassurance no matter how many times you're told you're okay.

Username: McDuckoMcDucko

Date posted: 2y ago

By "this", I mean confess anything.

Username: Pure Torture 😭Pure Torture 😭

Date posted: 2y ago

That is the hardest part in my opinion I’m dealing with a real event and my harm OCD… that is the recurring thought I have everyday that I seek reassurance for. My brain plays tricks on me if the real event was intentional or not. When rationally I 100% know it was not intentional. I am considering seeking therapy it can be hard to cope when 100% of your time and energy is focused on one reoccurring thought and reassurance.

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous T I had no idea how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t…

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 2y ago

@yup_its_ocd But I feel actual guilt for this event… the real events were horrible… my POCD is calling me a P, a chomo, and a r*pist because of these real events when I dont ever want to ever be those things…

Username: Pumpkin Pumpkin

Date posted: 1y ago

The difference in pOCD and p3dos is, people with p3dophilic disorder don't feel guilty for theses thoughts. Before the diagnosis of p3dophilic disorder can even be made they have to rule out pOCD and that'd done by assessing how you react to these thoughts. If you react with panic it's not p3dophilic disorder. Also, morality is learned and children (and people that don't know about OCD yet) might try to act on these thoughts, thinking satisfying them will make the thoughts stop; in short, something you did at 13 that you that you now feel really bad for, doesn't make you a bad person. When I was 13 I watched lots of taboo stuff, because kids don't quite understand the nature or severity of these things quite yet.

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 1y ago

@Pumpkin I panicked all the time at it’s worst… I spent night after night not being able to sleep and calling my mother because I was so anxious and panicking… and now it pops up again time to time… my POCD is telling me that because it’s not happening 24/7 that I’m in denial… and since my HOCD has been more active than my POCD lately, it’s making me think that I’m in denial because of this as well…

Username: GivenupGivenup

Date posted: 1y ago

@Pumpkin It’s making me feel like Im not as anxious of my POCD as I was before… and making me think I’m in denial because of it…

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y ago

I totally get what you're saying about the difference between POCD and actual pedophilia, but there could be times where a sufferer may not react to the thoughts just so they can drive the obsession down. You know, just by treating it as a regular thought among other thoughts. I hope this makes sense. I'm not disagreeing with the point you're making overall

Username: differentlyanonymousdifferentlya...

Date posted: 1y ago

@Pumpkin This makes sense

Username: Givenup

Date posted: 1y ago

Pocd and real events OCD

Username: jharbi

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm scared that I could be a pedo. (Pocd)

So I (16 f) haven't been diagnosed with it but I think I have OCD. Specifically POCD and real event OCD. I did something in 2021 that I regretted then and I regret even more now. I read some fanfiction that involved incest and minors and I hated it. I hated it bc it was disgusting, bc it went against my morals, and bc I read it. I was bored but I still wish I didn't read them. And since April of this year, I have been suffering bc I read them. I'm scared I'm a pedo and I really don't want to be one bc I don't want to do the things they do to kids. I Don't even find kids attractive but I get groinal responses and I'm scared that I actually do. I suffer from intrusive thoughts everyday. Even though this flair up started in April, I've been suffering from it for a couple years. But nowadays I'll be lucky to go a hour without them. I posted a similar post like this on Reddit a month or two ago and all of the comments said I wasn't a pedo and that it was POCD but I'm spiraling. During those months I would be scared I was a pedo and not be scared bc I knew it was ocd back and forth but this time it's different. I'm scared that I'm actually a pedo but I don't want to be. I don't like the thoughts and I don't want to do anything to kids. I know people say that 'if you were a pedo you would like the thoughts." Or "if you were a pedo you would know you are." And that's helped me but now I feel like I could just be in denial. I tried to not let it bother me but my brain tells me that if I don't react, that means I like the thoughts. I have younger cousins and a nephew and I hate being around them bc I'm scared that I'll get attracted to them. I hate when my younger sister hugs me bc I get scared that I'll get attracted. There has been multiple times where I just went in my bathroom and just broke down crying. And I hate crying but I cried more than I usually do. It's gotten to the point where multiple times I felt suicidal and honestly I feel like that now. But I usually got over it and realized it was just OCD but I'm scared that it's not. And I feel like if it was just thoughts then maybe it would've been better but it's the fact that I read those even though I hated it and was disgusted by it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post is too long.

Username: Givenup

Date posted: 38w ago

Pocd and real events ocd

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