I really hate myself

(18+) I really hate myself, like I’ve always hated myself but I’ve gotten to a level where it’s really bad. Do any of you guys have those moments where you’re at work, school, or just out where there are people and think “If only these people knew the monster I am and all the stupid things I’ve done”. It’s this thinking that brings me down a lot. Like I’m always thinking of when I was sending nudes on dating apps last year and all the what ifs that come with it. I always feel horrible, there hasn’t been one minute in the past year since august of 2021 that I haven’t been obsessing and hating myself. It’s been over a year, I feel terrible. I’m about turn 20 in two weeks, this started when I was 18, these are suppose the best years of my life, but they have been the exact opposite. I know we all make mistakes and it’s about moving and learning from them, but idk. I’m just venting, there are good days and moments, but it’s all mostly bad. I really need a therapist, but sadly I don’t have the money or the insurance to afford it, but yeah, just so many regrets.

Username: MagzzzMagzzz

Date posted: 2y ago

Hey not sure if you remember me but you’ve helped me a lot in the past about my real event too. I can’t give reassurance but just know I completely understand. I hate myself too. I wish I could change so much knowing what I know now. But unfortunately there’s nothing we can do to change the past but we can definitely change the future. I feel as though sometimes I deserve to hate myself but that’s what the ocd wants you to think. Stay strong. I hope you feel better soon

Username: OCDHaver OCDHaver

Date posted: 2y ago

@Just Breathe ❤️ Hello yes, I do remember you. It really sucks you know, like when you can give others advice and genuinely mean it and believe it and the other person, but it’s so difficult to do that for ourselves. Thank you for responding

Username: MagzzzMagzzz

Date posted: 2y ago

@OCDHaver I completely understand. I could give my best advice all day but I never take it myself. You’re welcome

Username: MagzzzMagzzz

Date posted: 2y ago

@OCDHaver Hey. I’m really struggling right now and I need help. I’ve talked to you about what has been bothering me before and it’s the same stuff. I don’t know if I’m just having a ocd attack I just know I feel absolutely terrified of the “what ifs” right now in my mind and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been struggling with this for so long you’d think I would be a pro at getting better but it really hits like a ton of bricks sometimes. I’m sorry to bother you but you’re the only one on here that knows everything bothering me and we’ve talked about it before. I have no one I can really talk to about it. I usually talk to my mom but she’s tired of me talking about it so I don’t go to her anymore

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y ago

It sounds like deep down you know that you aren't supposed to be thinking this way. You're obsessing and hating yourself not because that's what you truly think, but because it's OCD. Let's put your scenario into perspective. So, at 18 years old, you've sent a nude to someone on a dating app. Don't you realize how many people have done that, on and off dating apps? TONS. What about yours makes it bad? It just sounds like the doubting disorder is messing with you again. This isn't me trying to make it seem like what you're worrying about simply doesn't matter. I'm mainly trying to get you to understand that you didn't do something that makes you a bad person. You've just done something that sounds against your morals of who you really want to be. That's a much better way to word this, and you should start looking at it like this. But alas, you have OCD, so this is not going to be easy in the slightest. You also shouldn't keep reminding yourself of this over and over because that will be reassurance. You've got to practice letting the thoughts say whatever they want and just move on. You might even get tired of hearing that advice as well. As I'm telling you all of these things, I too have similar situations that I ruminate on almost everyday. I too find myself overthinking at school about the past, my bad habits, my addiction, and negative self talk. I too have sent nudes in the past at an even younger age. I didn't even bat an eye at the time and I haven't looked back on it ever since up until late 2020, where I've started to have obsessive intrusive thoughts almost everyday. The first thing it did back then is tackle something in my past and boom, real event OCD was born. It mixed that with POCD and to this day it's still doing that. I know you can't afford therapy or any kind of counseling at the moment, but I know you can do this instead: Try to keep your thoughts in perspective. Label your thoughts. Check in with yourself throughout the day. Keep away from the activities that don't help you. Change the way you talk about yourself. Saying things like "I really hate myself" is not going to help you man. Try to look into the self compassion route for these things. I hope this helps.

Username: OCDHaver OCDHaver

Date posted: 2y ago

@BigGip09 You’re absolutely right. Today was a real low point, it’s like when all of the bad memories and thoughts come crashing down at you all at once, my head is always so loud. I suppose I know that many people have done it and probably have done a lot worse then I have and that doesn’t make them bad people. And I really like how you put it, that’s against the morals of the person I’m trying to be, I always expect myself to be morally perfect all the time. I’m try to just let the thoughts do as they will and try to improve my self talk and to not let the what ifs commandeer my life, thank you so much man, this helped me a ton

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

ocd tends to really latch onto things that are really important to us. i feel like this can include key aspects of your character, ocd has definitely attacked my sense of character and opinion of self. don’t respond or do anything about these thoughts. they’re not you, they’re your ocd! even if it feels like it is you

Username: OCDHaver OCDHaver

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous I’ll do my best, it feels like a bully that is trying to get a rise out of me, and I suppose the only way to stop a bully is to ignore them and not give them the satisfaction, thank you for responding

Username: Revathi Narayanan Nambiar Revathi Nara...

Date posted: 2y ago

Start loving yourself.You are good.Everyone has goodness in them.

Username: Magzzz

Date posted: 2y ago

How can I ever forgive myself?…

How can I forgive myself for the mistakes I made as a teenager (maybe 15 through 18 or 19 I don’t remember exactly) when at the time I had no bad intentions I just didn’t understand what I was getting into? How can I forgive myself for being so dumb? I should of known. But unfortunately now dealing with real event and other themes trying to find “proof” it’s so exhausting and unsettling especially when the worst case scenario about my self and my past comes up literally every day and I have to fight it with “maybe, maybe not”…when will it ever go away. Do I even deserve for it to go away? No matter who I’ve told whether it was a parent or a therapist they all say the same thing…….let it go……..how am I supposed to do that. I want to do great things in life. I want to make up for all I have done wrong. I want to help people but I can’t even help myself. I hate myself. I don’t even like myself at all. I would go back in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this mental hell. Will I ever be ok again…….

Username: Magzzz

Date posted: 1y ago

18+ please help if you can

I’m so terrified because when I was a teenager I used to have a embarrassing and weird tickling fetish. No idea where it came from but it started around age 15 to maybe 19. I don’t have it anymore and I absolutely regret it 100% because of “self time” being involved. The fetish was the only thing I ever was part of mentally I never ever had any other intentions. Never. I used to go on ifunny and that’s where I would find artwork I guess related to the fetish. I stopped going to ifunny and around age 19 or something I went back and I remember the people in the artwork or whatnot would come across as being younger and I would skip them and try to find more “appropriate” I guess I don’t even know how to explain this but I know it’s something other people may have struggled with as well and I hold a lot of regret and shame even though I had literally no bad intentions whatsoever it was for a stupid fetish but the ocd has attached to it for many years now and it scares me to death what it tries to convince me is real when I pray to God it is not. I feel so terrible for that time I went back to ifunny but I remember I got uncomfortable and got rid of the app. I never had bad intentions and I know that for sure. I just feel so incredibly horrible all time time about what I didn’t know when I was younger and I should have. Not long after everything I developed ocd and the worst theme I’ve ever dealt with is POCD and also real event too. My self esteem is shot. There’s nothing that makes me feel alive anymore because I absolutely cannot stand myself. I’ve wanted to give up countless times. I have so much fear all the time. I’m going on vacation this weekend with my family and I feel like I don’t deserve to go or have fun. My birthday is next weekend and it’s just another day for me and I tell people not to get me anything because I feel as I don’t deserve it or anything joyful or happy. I don’t know what to do. This is embarrassing to talk about but it’s what I’m dealing with and I hate it with a passion of how stupid I was when I was younger. I’m almost 24. I can’t even move on with my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to 💔

Username: bloominglotus

Date posted: 1y ago

Vent

I got into porn when I was around 14 or 15 I think and it just got very bad for a few years and I have a lot of guilt and worry for the things that I saw and touched myself to. I came across some bad things. I stopped all of that but I can’t get over the guilt from my teenage years. It bothers me all day long and disrupts my sleep now too. It leaks into my dreams. I just woke up from a dream related to that probably because I worry all day. Life is not enjoyable anymore all I do is worry in my head and say affirmations to try to make myself feel better. Right now I’m worried about so many things but specifically I’m worried what if someone I saw in a video was way younger? I remember being on xvideos as a teen and wanting to imagine myself with other people my age and I know I’m worried what if I watched something on there where the people were younger??? I think I remember putting teens in the search bar and it scares me because even though I was a teen myself I feel like that is wrong now and I’m worried about what I may have watched. I’m giving up on myself more everyday. I know I have zero attraction to minors and I know back then as a teenager I was not attracted to anyone anyone not around my age but I worry so much about things I watched and came across. I wish I had never watched porn as a teenager it has ruined my life and it haunts me every day. And also horrible fan fiction stories and other stories people wrote online that haunt me too. I’m worried I can’t ever recover or find help and I feel like I’m going to go to jail or end up k1lling myself one day because I can’t deal with it. I worry when I’m not crying or having too much anxiety I feel like I need to constantly be in distress and I am not allowed to enjoy anything or have anything. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore accept just sit and worry and feel myself I hate myself. I feel ashamed to be around my family and anytime they do anything for me my brain goes “they don’t know they’re hugging a monster” “they don’t know they’re supporting a monster” and I just can’t take it. I want to find joy in life again. I would do anything just to be a normal person and not have had any of this happen and not have these worries. I feel like a mess every day I look so gross and I feel so gross and I feel like nobody can help me. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like it’s too late and like I’ve ruined myself and I just don’t feel good about the future. I feel like I am going to get sent away and that will hurt my family or end myself eventually and that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt my family or anyone. I question how I could have ever been that person and what was wrong with me. I keep thinking back to things that happened before I was a teenager and I’m like does that count as trauma or something? Could this be why?? But also I don’t want to make excuses or feel like I’m pushing the blame onto someone else. I am the only one at fault. I’m sorry I keep writing these long posts I’m just not in a good place mentally. I feel like I am really sick in the head or something and I’m starting to fear maybe I have always been that way. I just want so desperately to be good. I don’t want anything other than to be a normal good healthy minded person and be here to support my family and others. I don’t care about myself succeeding in anything other than getting better, I just want to support my family in succeeding in whatever they want. I don’t want money or anything for myself. I have more than I deserve. I just want to get better. I pray but I don’t feel like I can be forgiven

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