I've gotten incredibly far with dealing with my OCD which is a good thing. Especially with my ROCD. But sometimes I still fear my ROCD and feelings. I sometimes get confused about whether I'm still in love like I once was with my bf and if I'm just faking it. But I still get my moments of clarity where I knew it's still my OCD and not actually me. I wish I could completely get out of this little hold it has on me. It's fear.

I struggle with like knowing what’s ocd and what isn’t. Like I think I’m fighting my ocd and I’m doing a good job not giving in, but there are some things where I’m like is this ocd or is this just me not being ocd. Also it’s hard for me when I mess up bc I want to be perfect & everytime I mess up on my ocd, I feel like I’m backtracking & stuck like this. But I’m still doing a lot better it’s just hard bc I know it never fully goes away I just want to get rid of it. But I’m better managing it it’s just tough.

When my soocd and rocd first hit hard, it really shattered my world and the kind of stability I had in life before the constant fear of losing the one I love. When I got my first job, I buried myself in the idea that I was too busy to deal with it anymore, it helped that I started school and got a pet hedgehog as well. But some nights it hits me that this hasn’t gone away at all, I don’t spend night after night or day after day stuck in the same thoughts anymore but I feel so cold inside like I’m not worth anything and like I don’t deserve the love and attraction I think I once felt for my sweet boyfriend. I feel like the fact that I can’t “feel” those feelings for him anymore that I’ve spent so long chasing means I don’t deserve him, I feel like even though the great anxiety has stopped I’m still trying to chase down that love feeling and how it “should” feel instead of just feeling it for what it is. I’m still terrified that if I let go of my walls that I’ll realize I don’t love him and lose him. It’s hurting me bad and making me resort to bad coping mechanisms. I’m starting to seek out validation again and craving that rush of infatuation when in reality the only one I want is my boyfriend. For almost a year and a half I obsessed about sexual attraction, it’s really affected my intimate life. I have self-esteem issues about my body, my “skills”, fear of not liking it enough and false expectations just all cause me to not feel much in my body and it makes me horribly sad. My boyfriend says I need to accept the possibility that the things I fear could be true and that I could be with someone else but it’s so hard because I really don’t want that but the longer I fight it the further away I feel from him. I didn’t think ocd could be this complex and cause such havoc on my life. I kind of miss when I felt extreme anxiety every day and had the same thoughts over and over because at least then it was easier to know it was my mind games at work. Now it just feels like I’m sabotaging myself daily by chasing the feelings of love I want. I don’t want to ruin this otherwise healthy relationship, my boyfriend is my best friend and I still want that. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like a lot of people just have the obsessiveness and I’m here trying to deal with the side effects of the after math and it makes me feel so alone

So I've been struggling with this for more than 1,5 years... My ocd about my relationship began so suddenly. At first it was just anxiety,but later it was about an old friend of mine. I had a huge crush on him before my bf and since I met my bf I didn't feel anything anymore and we just grew apart. Until my ocd thoughts started about the old friend. I keep comparing everything with him until I feel satisfied with the fact it's feels better with my bf than it would with the old friend. I don't want him!!! He wast the person I needed and me and my bf have such a beautiful relationship and I love him so much..the ocd goes and comes but it's always about the old griend and sometimes I begin to doubt the fact it's ocd or it's just meant to be with the old friend?? But I don't want that!!! I am so happy with my bf and I don't want the old friend!!!! I keep revising the same sentences to comfort myself and I can get trapped in the thoughts for minutes! How can I stop this...what if it goes on for more years ugggg....hoping the ocd goes away soon again. Because sometimes the thoughts do go away but now it's back...